12.31.2001
out with the old
year.
This year was a very very sucky year. Amazingly so, to tell the truth. Crap that happened, in no particular order:
1. Dubyah
2. Lost my job in February
3. Forced into temping at a fraction of my previous salary
4. Struggle with money throughout the year.
5. Couldn't afford to go home and visit my family and meet my new baby nephew.
6. Lost a very good friend, A., because of some stupid stupid decision that I made nearly two years ago and she discovered the truth of earlier this year. I am still kicking myself for ruining that friendship over some stupid guy that really was not worth it. Saddened because she won't even hear my apology and the worst part is that I have only myself to blame. If I were her I wouldn't listen to my apology either. :(
7. Can't afford to replace my contacts and am stuck wearing my glasses until then.
8. Finishing out the last two weeks of the year sick as a dog.
9. Submitted hundreds of resumes to no avail.
10. Fits and starts on my writing but not a lot of substance, save the Anniversary poems I wrote for Joe.
11. Not entirely accepted to school--didn't prepare my application well enough and I am in on a provisionary status. Massive blow to my self-esteem.
12. 9/11 and everything that resulted out of it and continues to result from it.
13. Landlady raised the rent $300 a month.
14. Turned 30.
Have to point out the good things as well, of course.
1. My first full year with Joe, the first man in my life who makes SENSE, who I am continually thankful and grateful for and to whom my devotion grows deeper every day.
2. My divorce was final and I got my maiden name back--and it was relatively painless.
3. My sister had another baby boy, Nicholas.
4. Her other child, Cameron, said my name, perfectly (tough for a 2 year old!) on the phone to me.
5. I consolidated some of my debt and got rid of all my credit cards (cept my bank card).
6. Paid off (with Joe's help) my car.
7. Have an easy temp job that seems fairly steady and enables me to scrape by.
8. Discovered yoga and while not practicing it now am anxious to start again.
9. Got to see my dear friend Joanie get married (and while there, got to see Niki!)
10. Had countless wonderful meals with Joe, both at home and out.
11. Joe moved in. :)
12. Had another successful holiday party.
13. My kitty loves Joe as much or more than he does me.
14. Saw Niagara Falls for the first time.
15. Was laid off from a stressful job with a boss TEN times worse than the meanie Event Zero boss that I had last year...if that is possible.
Out with the old...and tomorrow...in with the new. And Greg, my dear friend in China, turns 31. I hope he is celebrating in style.
2:31 PM | link | up| archives |
12.30.2001
angry
at the economy, at the fact that I am working a temp job and have no health insurance. I've been sick for eleven days straight...it just morphs into something new each day. Last three nights have been the terrible awful coughing that decongestants and cough syrup and nyquil don't do anything for. I finally got up last night and went to sleep on the couch so poor Joe could have some peace. He's such a trooper, so good to me during all this. I would give anything to be able to sleep eight hours without interruption. Under normal circumstances I would have gone to the doctor a week ago, but have just hoped this would all go away. I AM getting better, slowly...the symptoms aren't as severe as they were a week ago...mostly now terribly annoying so I don't sleep and my voice sounds different every day.
This year was not a good year for me really...and I suppose its fitting that it ends on a bad note, with me, sick and unable to taste the champagne.
11:42 AM | link | up| archives |
12.28.2001
please
take a look at this and go sign the petition. If you are a home computer user that has downloaded MP3 files, burned your own CDs, shared DvDs, etc, which is 98% of you....then it is in your best interests to look into stopping Big Brother at its finest---in government policeware.
1:49 PM | link | up| archives |
12.27.2001
post christmas
weariness has set in. We're back but I'm still sick, eight days later, but the symptoms have lessened and dwindled into an irritating dry cough that keeps me awake at night. And I'm tired, god so tired, but I can't afford to be out of work anymore. I probably should have gone to the doctor last week, but it has slowly been working its way out of my system. If I could have only gotten a good rest last night, sigh. The bump behind my ear is pretty much gone though and that's a great relief. Still have a tinge of that tiny metallic taste of blood when I cough and that is worrisome. Not seeing any though and so that's good.
Christmas in the Berkshires was wonderful. Joe's family is so much fun and the trips to visit are always relaxing. Seeing Joe's nephew, Clement, is always a treat. He's SO adorable and he is such a bright, happy child. Met many of Joe's aunts and uncles, which was fun. While it didn't snow while we were there, there was some snow on the ground so it set a great mood for the whole holiday.
Right now though I'm just looking forward to Saturday morning and sleeping in.
9:53 AM | link | up| archives |
12.22.2001
leaving tomorrow
for the Pitt, as Joe calls it, or Pittsfield, where his parents are. Spending the holiday with them and with his brother and his wife and their little son, Clement, who is very adorable. I'm hoping that by tomorrow I'll be at least up to 70% healthy...I'm not really there yet. Still fighting the terrible cold. Opened presents with Joe tonight, mostly gifts from my sister and my parents. My mom sent me cookies that make me homesick. Joe got me tickets to the American Rep's Othello in two weeks, which I'm very excited for. My sister sent me tons of cosmetics...helps that she is the manager of the cosmetics section of a major department store. I have literally hundreds of dollars worth of perfume, makeup and face and body products that she sent. I am terribly spoiled that way. My parents sent me pajamas and a gift certificate to my favorite store, which I desperately need at this point...I haven't bought clothes for myself in over a year.
And of course, Joe knows that one of the really wonderful things that he can always get me are boxes from this place. Men, take heed! This is the ultimate in great girlfriend gifts. :)
Blogging again after Wednesday. Merry Christmas!!!
8:10 PM | link | up| archives |
12.21.2001
i am
more sick than yesterday. In the very gross stages of being sick at this point. Phlegm, blood in the snots...I'll stop now and let you imagine.
Hoping that I get better so I don't have to head to the emergency room for antibiotics. I hate those things. Hate. Hate. Hate.
9:59 AM | link | up| archives |
12.20.2001
there are many
disgusting things about being sick. The way your head compacts, the snots coagulate and do icky things inside your head and nose, the way your chest feels when it's full of phlegm, the scratchy feeling in your throat. Being sick is something so icky and miserable and I am in the thick of it. Staying home today, which I, as a temp, cannot literally afford to do, but without health insurance, I can't risk pushing my body further. Sigh. Please tell me the job market will turn around...not having health insurance is very stressful to me.
Like about the bump that I found behind my ear. Suddenly there, hard and jutting, with no pain. I discovered it the day before my bloody nose. After looking all over at health sites, Gray's anatomy, we finally deduced that it is a gland, swollen, and now that my cold/flu thing has hit me full blast, the little bump is going down again. But it freaked me, and Joe out. And me with no insurance to go ask the doctor if I have a tumor or something terrible. One of my coworkers at the place where I am temping told me that I have "pooritis". She's a temp too so she knows the symptoms--hypochondria attacks due to lack of insurance. Smile, I wish that this cold was just me being paranoid. But no, I have to sleep on my side, with my mouth open, in order to have the right drainage to get a few winks of shut-eye.
I hate sleeping with my mouth open.
I was telling Joe last night before we went to sleep about my cousin Rhett, who is a few months younger than me. In the summers when we were young my mom would take us kids to stay with our Aunt Colleen and her three kids, Tracy, Marnie and Rhett. Rhett and I were best buds and we spent countless hours teasing my younger siblings, going to the arcade, the drugstore to get penny candy and playing with all his Star Wars figures outside in the gutter in front of his house. When we would stay over, I would sleep with Tracy, my sister with Marnie and my brother with Rhett. One of the things that Rhett used to gross us out with was his pillow, which he loved and which he affectionately nicknamed slobber, because he used to sleep with his mouth open and drool at night. The pillow, when taken out of the pillow case was covered in little brown drool circles. I'm talking ALL over the pillow. It was disgusting. He was so proud of it, just like a little boy that likes to gross out his cousins would be.
10:43 AM | link | up| archives |
12.18.2001
in case
you feel, like I have lately, that you need a reason to bang your head against the wall, this would be it.
This, I'm sure, applies to some people more than others.
Ancarett has a link to a geography test on her site...I went and well, I felt like I came out without having to press the idiot button. I was proud of my 68.8% score...that thing was HARD. On the whole I'm slightly above the average person when it comes to geography so I can live with that. I know most major countries and can keep up with the news when I watch it, so I'm not a total moron when it comes to maps of the world. Except that I somehow missed when they changed the name of Bombay to Mumbai. duh.
9:32 AM | link | up| archives |
12.17.2001
this morning
I woke up with a nose full of blood. My left nostril, no clue why...I noticed it first when I looked in the mirror. Took me ten minutes to clear it all out. At work now and went to blow my nose again and the blood is back. Not a nosebleed or anything, just blood in the mucus. ewww gross ick. Slept fairly fitfully as well, dreaming that someone rang our doorbell at 2AM and that it was a man with a feeding tube coming out of his mouth wandering around the house. Freaky. Very freaky.
But on a MUCH better note, the party was fabulous. It was really wonderful to see everyone. We only had one cat casualty, poor Carol, who could barely breathe after about an hour. At one point she got up from the couch and Romeo went over and immediately took her spot. He is awfully snooty when he wants to be. But he enjoyed all the attention.
We had three youngsters there, which livened it up a little bit. Grace, who is about 2 1/2, Clement, Joe's nephew who is about 18 mos, and David, Dmitry's son, who is about 14 mos or so. Kids are so amazing. They all loved Romeo and they also loved this big plush purple dinosaur that Joe has. Grace's mom, Chris, taught her daughter to call her Dad by his first name, Bill. Absolutely a riot! Makes me homesick actually...to see my sister and my little nephews.
Joe made clam chowder, which turned out great. The lasagna was devoured and I have pesto for lunch today. Mmm. And shockingly, cleanup only took us about 20 minutes. It was just a really great party and we went to bed feeling very warm and content. It finally feels like Christmas is nearly here.
9:19 AM | link | up| archives |
12.15.2001
so far
so good today. Great party last night at Joanies!! Saw many of the cubers (see Me/Superstars section)--Heidi, Paulette, Eddy and Dmitry and his wife and adorable little 1 yr old son. Last night, I slept like a rock, this morning had wonderful morning cuddles, yummy breakfast, sweet kitty purring, a long letter from Greg--oh how I miss him. The Internet is such an amazing thing...how even though we are thousands of miles away from each other (he's in China), we are still so connected and know what is going on in each others lives, how we are feeling, our fears and hopes.
Today is cleaning...loads of it. Going to head off to the store in a few minutes to buy a few more essentials for the party. Joe is going to start cooking--we hope to get most of the cooking and preparation done today so that tomorrow we can just pop everything in the oven and set things out. Feeding 22 people tomorrow! We're nuts! I'm looking forward to it though...I love spending time with friends, catching up and relaxing.
10:58 AM | link | up| archives |
12.13.2001
my list
of things I have learned this year, in no particular order:
1. It's only money.
2. The only thing I actually have true control over in life is my body and how I take care of it.
3. Some things in life don't get easier as you get older...they get harder instead.
4. That I like some foods I never would have thought I would like: guacamole, pesto, cheese sandwiches (go figure, when I was little I hated them and I never tried them again till this year) and others. I am trying things that I would never have even tried in the past.
5. Sometimes when we think we are safe in this world, we really aren't.
6. Americans are the kings of bandwagon jumping.
7. Family and friends are very important. I knew this already but I feel it more this year than before.
8. That I should aspire more to be like my father and his amazing resilience in difficult situations.
9. That I am extremely lucky in finding someone who makes as much sense and who brings me as much constant, growing joy in my life as Joe does.
1:24 PM | link | up| archives |
holiday
uses for duck tape.
9:08 AM | link | up| archives |
12.12.2001
all is not lost
thank god. I talked to the graduate program director and she said that the committee felt that I hadn't put enough preparation into my application...that my essay didn't explain enough about what my intentions were in the program and what I would do with the Masters...that my intentions were more exploratory sounding than concrete. None of the committee liked my writing sample, which was an essay on the evolution of epic fantasy from traditional epics such as Homer, Virgil and the likes. I think in that case it was the subject matter and the short time period I had to work on it, combined with the fact that it had been nearly eight years since I wrote a paper in that style.
So, she is going to approve me to take a spring course as a non-degree seeking student. Normally they require three courses but in my case they will allow one, to prove my worth and dedication (with a B or above). I can use the term paper generated in that class as my writing sample and have the professor write me a recommend into the program...then I can reapply for fall admissions. The only caveat at this point is that there needs to be room in the course for me...so if the classes are all full then I may have a problem. The course would, if I was accepted, be credit toward the full program.
In reality, it was what I was sort of planning in the first place, as my student aid wouldn't have gone through in time so I would have had to pay for one course on my own anyway...and was planning to just take one course in the spring and then go full-time in the fall. So in a way, it would be the same, just a bit more humiliation involved.
Her comments made sense though. Greg warned me that my personal essay was too personal. I was already feeling that the critical essay was weak, and so in this case, intuition was right. All along Joe was telling me I shouldn't worry about getting in, but it turns out I was right to worry...I knew it wasn't all in place in my heart.
But now I have an answer, a path that is harder but hopeful and I know that if I get into that class I'll kick ass and they will most definitely just plain want me.
1:42 PM | link | up| archives |
i thought
i had a plan about my life. I thought that since I can't find a marketing job that I would go back to school. I would write...the only thing that I feel like I am truly good at in my life. Money is tight right now. Going back to school would at least allow me to stave off my student loans, to get back into a company of people that would help my creativity flourish, and would help give me perspective on my life and what I should be doing with it.
I wasn't accepted. I have absolutely no idea how this could have happened. One of my professors even wrote a recommendation telling them that I would be in the top 5% of the class if they took me in. I am in shock. Complete and utter shock.
And now I don't know what to do at all. I feel so amazingly useless right now. The job market doesn't want me. School doesn't want me.
Thank god for Joe. He is my rock. He is the only sense of stability in my life right now. Because of him I know that things are possible...now if I could only figure out what on earth they are.
9:46 AM | link | up| archives |
12.11.2001
when I brushed my teeth
last night, I realized they were red. I had to shower at eleven o'clock last night because Joe pointed out my nose was green. This morning, my fingernails are red, the color staining my cuticles, leaving guilty traces. Dreaming last night I could see the little creatures everywhere, bright yellow, red-eyed, brown bodies, snowflakes, ice crystals. This morning my head hurts as a result. I have a cut on one hand from one of the hoofed ones. Still, I have remorse because I didn't do it all the way I was supposed to. I wasn't painstaking, I was tired and I took short-cuts. I should have paid attention to detail, instead I smothered them, I covered them instead of using the right tools to bring out their highlights. Martha would send me to her broom closet of shame if she knew, or as Joe says, make me go with her to the market to help her find the right cucumber (oh I am terrible! I deserve the blood on my hands!).
Still, I think that little Clement will be delighted on Sunday afternoon at the party when he holds out his little fists and says, "cookie." They turned out pretty cool.
9:38 AM | link | up| archives |
12.10.2001
something difficult for me to remember
One must not let oneself be overwhelmed by sadness. ~Jacqueline Onassis
4:32 PM | link | up| archives |
there are few things
more perfect than looking out the window after trimming the tree, toasting with champagne and cuddling on the couch than seeing the snow falling like crazy, bright and fluffy in the street light. The tree is up, looks gorgeous and is ready for the party next weekend. More ready than I am, at least. Baked much of the weekend and will be baking some more tonight and tomorrow. Tonight baking and decorating the sugar cookies. Tomorrow baking the chocolate crinkles. Mmm.
The mouse is still alive and Romeo is shamed. He seems to know it too and has kept to himself more than usual the last couple of days. We have the "humane" traps, that keep the mouse alive...Joe will take it outside and let it go if the thing ever manages to go into that silly little box. The chances of that happening are much greater than the chances of Romeo catching it, however.
9:45 AM | link | up| archives |
12.8.2001
i always knew
Romeo was a pansy, but it just proves it when Joe tells me this morning we have had a mouse for the last several days and he saw it again this morning. Romeo apparently can't be bothered. Blood on his fur? Never. Well maybe that is for the best. With my luck (which has been crap all year), he would probably leave any carcass on my pillow as an offerring. Joe, bless his heart, thought I would wig out and he set traps out trying to catch it...to no avail. We think he got in the other night when I left the doors open when I had to go to the cellar to reset some breakers that the space heater had tripped. Stupid mouse. His days are numbered.
11:22 AM | link | up| archives |
12.7.2001
there are emergency
vehicles everywhere around the Old Statehouse, one block from the train I just got off at Government Center and across the street from the building I work in. The orange line lets off at the Statehouse. There are at least 10 ambulances, that many cops, 3-4 firetrucks, two hazmat vehicles and three bomb squad trucks. The ambulances have stretchers out and ready to go. My co-worker, Elaine, gets off at that stop. She is always at work before me, except today.
8:59 AM | link | up| archives |
12.5.2001
i saw
Santa today, standing by himself outside the Globe bookstore, probably hotter than hell inside that suit (I didn't even wear a coat outside it was so warm). I'm not sure why he was there...he wasn't working for the Salvation Army, there was no chair or presents. He was just standing on the sidewalk, by himself. He was looking up the street and around him, lonely, wondering why no one was coming to talk to him, I think.
He looked like I feel.Anyway, I went to William's site, Bouillabaisse for the Soul, and he had a link to DM's tests. William, by the way, is lucky enough to have a Time Cube curse placed on him. While there, I discovered that if I were a work of art, I would be Edvard Münch's The Scream. Apparently, I express the subconscious troubles and anxieties of the world. I hold my head and let loose the primal terror of my innermost fears, surrounded by a lurid landscape which reflects my feeble grasp on reality. How fitting. Which work of art would you be? The Art Test
2:10 PM | link | up| archives |
this morning
while walking into the building where I work, an old man was talking to the security guard. He then got on the elevator and told me that the guard didn't believe how old he was--he is 92. I told him that I didn't believe it either (although he DID look nearly that old) and he told me that his mother told him the secret: clean living and ivory soap--and to remember that.
I think that when I am old, I will remember a LOT.
9:40 AM | link | up| archives |
12.4.2001
time
is the coin of your life. It is the only coin you have, and only you can determine how it will be spent. Be careful lest you let other people spend it for you. -Carl Sandburg, poet (1878-1967)
12:16 PM | link | up| archives |
so today
the Everquest Shadows of Luclin comes out and the RPG geek in me will be glad for that. After three years of playing, it will finally be like playing a new game. Joe is picking up copies this morning since he has the day off. We're both geeky like that...our friends laugh at us. But it's cheap entertainment during a time when the cashola is tight. Plus it rocks being able to play side by side.
My new monitor arrived last night, compliments of our dear friends Rainy and Bill in Texas. THANK YOU SO MUCH! It's a nice 17" with gorgeous color. I can't wait to play. Upgraded video card (again thanks to Rainy and Bill), new RAM and new monitor...I should be set. Just wish I had a better processor in that thing.
Bought my Christmas cards yesterday and I'll be getting a move on those. Have part of Joe's present bought...sigh, he's so hard to buy for. He's not a very materialistic person so it's not like he wants much, and he doesn't really need much. I want it to be very personal which makes it harder since I think the next step as far as writing anything for him would be to write a book. For our one year anniversary I wrote him a 12 poem series...took me a month to put together, and well, don't quite have that time now...or the creative energy! I think I know what to get him though...just have to find time to shop when he isn't around!! That's going to be the hard part. I need to hurry and buy all my family presents too...mail is taking SO much more time these days so I can't wait till the last minute.
But happily, this year will be the first Christmas that Joe and I spend together. Last year he went to his family and I went home to mine. We're going to head to his parents in Pittsfield this Christmas and I'll be able to meet more of his family. I'm already looking forward to it. Not being able to see my family during Christmas is hard, but being able to spend it with his family is a great substitute. :)
9:01 AM | link | up| archives |
12.3.2001
on a brighter
note, Joe and I had dinner at Joanie and Mike's on Saturday night. They've been married for three months now and we gave them the opportunity to try out all their new wedding presents! Dinner was great...a yummy artichoke dip, shrimp risotto, and topped off with a simple, but delightful chocolate fondue. MMMM. And they showed us Tivo, which is sooo amazing and I'm rather jealous of. I never manage to catch new Sex In the City shows, new Farscapes, classic movie re-showings, etc. And how many times have I wanted to pause Will & Grace because I have to make a bathroom run? Technology is so amazing.
They're having a party the same weekend we're having our party, so we'll be able to see them a few more times before Christmas. We have a great time getting together with them. Our turn for dinner next month, Joanie? ;-)
I'm going to convince Joanie to check out the Time Cube "debate" in January...she's been "educated VERY stupid" and is working on her Ph.D. at MIT right now. I wish I could be that stupid too!
4:06 PM | link | up| archives |
i have come to the realization
well, besides the fact that I cannot begin to compute a Time Cube, there are other realizations I have recently made.
1. Bombay changed it's name to Mumbai, apparently in 1996. I have been completely and utterly clueless about this.
2. The St. Louis Cardinals moved to Arizona, apparently in 1988. I have been completely and utterly clueless about this, which is excusable since I could care less about football.
3. What I thought was a friendship...a best friendship, is an entirely casual, off-hand, whenever he has the fucking time, sort of friendship, apparently for months now. I have been completely and utterly clueless about this, which leaves me extremely, extremely sad. I don't even have the words for what I feel...which is, as you know, very rare.
1:22 PM | link | up| archives |
