11.29.2001
apparently
I am evil and stupid, as are you. A discovery made, thanks to Scott at Spoonfed, who pointed out to me the incomprehensible nature of Time Cube. I am unfit to say a word about this.
3:39 PM | link | up| archives |
my head
is full of so much stuff that it's hard to find peace in there sometimes. Today I have been thinking of so many things...my friend Payman just lost his job (company closing down...the employees are trying to find last minute angel investors to keep it afloat), the boss at my temp job was massively rude to me today interrupting a phone call I was on to do something for him and it left me angry in a way that I haven't been angry in a long time, it's cloudy and rainy out and it was a cold cold wind this morning, I critiqued a poem for Greg today so my head is also full of poetry, thoughts of Joe (always thoughts of him, blissfully), of the Christmas party we are planning, of going home to do some yoga, of Mike sending me letters full of smirking words of the day, clock watching, frustrated that I gained a pound when I shouldn't have, also having some random deja vu at the moment.
I wish I was better at cataloging my thoughts. Like having a private dictation machine for my head. I could attach it to a little spot behind my ear and it would record the information that would be most relevant to me at a later time. I could then review a little menu of my thoughts for that day and see if I wanted to review them, use them later in my writing, remind me of things that need to be done. A small sample of such a list would look like this.
*Clockwatching (compiled list of all the times I looked at the damn clock today)
*Reminders ( such as to mail that envelope at the mail truck in front of city hall on the way home)
*Daily affirmations (I WILL reach all my goals)
*Mooney, mushy thoughts about Joe
*Things that would be good to eat for dinner tonight
*Worries (ailing grandparents, IRS still wanting my money, will I get into UMass, etc)
*Annoyances (boss, stupid job, aching arm)
*Memories (of friends, family, things that happened in my past)
*Hopes (getting into UMass, being able to finish my projects, future plans)
*Things of a physical nature (aches, trips to the bathroom, papercuts, footpains, etc)
*Random observations (the creepy guy selling newspapers at the subway hasn't been there all week, wind today was extra cold, the way the cheese on my sandwich melted at lunch, conversations, smells, sights, etc)
and so on. It would be fantastic. Then I could keep them in a massive database and search at any given time. The potential for such a system is staggering. And possible, say, in maybe 100 years or so? 200?
2:33 PM | link | up| archives |
11.28.2001
when I was
in junior high and high school, I had a particular affinity for a few different bands. I was a Duranie which appealed to my teenage need to idolize some beautiful guys, but the band that really spoke to me during that time was The Alarm. I was listening to internet radio this morning and their song Strength came on and it was so poignant, even now. It's been a long time since I've heard the Alarm, mostly because all the music I have from them is on vinyl...well well worn vinyl I might add. Their songs held such hope, such fighting power. During times when I was really frustrated with my life their music spoke to me. I held up their songs as personal anthems during a time when my teenage angst seemed near to smothering. It was good to hear that song again...it held the same meaning now that it did then. Reminder to self: add Declaration and Strength to my long list of old favorites to buy on CD.
Oh, and back to the Duran stuff...this VERY cool news I just discovered:
simon & nick announce the next phase of duran duran
As many fans have speculated over recent months, a profound change has occurred at the heart of the band as the story of Duran Duran moves into a new chapter. The trio of Simon Le Bon, Nick Rhodes & Warren Cuccurullo is coming to an end; the upcoming Japanese dates will be their last together after which Warren will be bound for America and a new project with his pre-Duran band, Missing Persons.
Simon & Nick are to be reunited with original band members Roger, Andy and John Taylor for the first time in 15 years.
"It's something we are very much looking forward to. There has always been an incredible chemistry and musical energy when we have got together. We are all very excited about the prospect of seeing what we can create."
An album will be scheduled for release some time in 2002.
Wooohooooo! :-)
11:21 AM | link | up| archives |
11.27.2001
the only good thing
that I ever got from my ex-mother-in-law is a taste of fig pudding one horrible awful Christmas. She conveniently avoided giving me the recipe too. But I found it! It's from an old NY Times Cookbook and I post it here for your gastrointestinal pleasure. And no, you don't taste the carrot and potato. I can't wait to make it!
Steamed Fig Pudding
1 cup dried black figs
1/3 cup finely chopped citron
1/3 cup finely chopped candied lemon peel
1 cup chopped walnuts
1.25 cups sifted flour
1 tsp. salt
1/4 cup shortening
1 tsp. cinnamon
1/2 tsp. cloves
1 cup brown sugar, packed
2 eggs
1 cup grated raw carrot
1 cup grated raw potato
Cover figs with boiling water and let stand for 10-15 minutes. Drain. Clip stems - chop finely. Mix with citron, peel and nuts. Sift flour with soda and salt. Add 1/2 cup to fruit mix and toss to coat. Cream shortening with spices and sugar until fluffy. Beat in eggs one at a time. Add grated veggies - gradually stir in remaining flour, beating until smooth. Mix in fruit and nuts. Fill greased 1 1/2 qt. mold until 2/3 full, and cover with lid or foil. Stand on rack in 1" boiling water in a pot with a tight cover. Steam 2 hours, adding more boiling water as needed. Serve hot.
8:23 PM | link | up| archives |
random
thoughts.
*The Stranglers, "Always the Sun" ~ great song I haven't heard for years.
*I am in love. Deliriously. Content.
*The holidays are here and I'm ready to spread some cheesy cheer. And listen to Christmas songs! (yes, I am terribly sentimental that way)
*I love the smell of the Necco factory when I walk to work in the mornings and afternoons. Some days it's mint, some chocolate, some vanilla...
*I love wearing silky shirts that feel nice next to my skin.
*Especially when that shirt fits better now than it did three weeks ago. ;-)
*Papercuts suck and yes, mine IS infected. Red, raised, icky.
*It was good talking to my grandparents last night, but it saddens me how much they have changed and how much their health, physically and mentally, has declined.
*The week after a short week is always TERRIBLY long.
*www.livingarts.com
*I wish Niki would visit Boston soon.
10:37 AM | link | up| archives |
11.26.2001
motivation
is a funny thing. It waxes and wanes within me like the moon does in the night sky. I go strong for awhile then feel lazy and slothful. I'm noticing a general lack of energy at the moment and that's frustrating for me.
I am realizing that while I was preparing my essay for grad school entry (which I am still waiting to hear about), I was extremely prolific. For the two months prior to the day when all my materials had to be in (Oct. 30), I was a writing fiend. I wrote every day, either in my blog, in my journal or poetry/fiction. I can look at that and realize that in many ways I was procrastinating on writing on my essay. And now, that my goal has been accomplished, I slacked off. I am still writing, but it's sporadic. I have to push myself more, I have to convince myself that I want to write. And I do want to! Still, the actual DOING of it is difficult.
Same with my goal of losing weight and becoming more healthy. I had a Thanksgiving goal, which I accomplished...I was gung-ho before that and now that the hurdle of Thanksgiving is over, I feel my resolve shifting, which isn't so good.
Some of it is boredom...I already want to move on, shift my attention to something new. The thing is, in both of those cases, that's not an option. I was obsessive about each thing and now I'm looking for something new to obsess about but that's the problem...I shouldn't give up those obsessions...I need to renew them and fall back into those good habits, of writing every day, of feeling excited and energized about exercising and eating well. The funny thing about it though is that both of those things are not boring things...they are ever changing, there are always new things to write about, there are always new lowfat recipes to try, new yoga poses. Why am I feeling so unmotivated about it all? Sigh. I hate being so damn flighty about things.
And so, here I am blogging. Tonight more yoga. These are things that make me feel good but perhaps they are not yet a habit. How many days does it take to create a habit? 21? I think in my case it must be 51.
1:07 PM | link | up| archives |
11.25.2001
trying out
a new front page. In the meantime, my monitor is on the fritz...blacked out earlier tonight. And I decided that I really really DESPISE Jar Jar Binks. Makes me really actually hate Episode I. Sucks because I loved the other three. I remember watching Star Wars when I was about 5, at the drive-in, sitting on the hood of the car with my Dad, the rest of the family in the back seat. I loved that movie.
Already dreading my return to the silly temp job tomorrow, sigh. One bad thing about long weekends...you don't want them to end.
7:48 PM | link | up| archives |
11.23.2001
feeling
melancholy today. Frustrated because the laundromat is closed. Lonely...Joe is at work and I'm feeling homesick. The day is so short...sun nearly down at 4PM.
Thanksgiving was good...Joe's nephew, Clem, is so adorable. He's about 17 mos. old and is walking and talking up a storm. Still a little shy about me and Joe, but so cute. Dinner was good...was very rich (homemade Amish creamed corn...made with whole milk, heavy cream and a stick of butter!!!!) and I was stuffed without going back for seconds.
Finished putting the plastic wrap on the living room windows. Cleaned up the kitchen a little bit and I made cookies. Went a bit nutso at the store and bought filet mignon, so we'll have an elegant dinner at home tonight.
Is it that fall is nearly over and winter is nearly here? There is this transitionary period where the weather and temperature can't make up their minds, where the light is all weird and where I feel sort of off-balance. Not sure what the story is for me today. I haven't heard back from UMass yet on if I made it in for grad school, which leaves me in some limbo. Don't have a lot of money for Xmas presents. Got out the lights today and don't even feel like putting them up.
Just wonder what everyone is doing this weekend...Mike is so out of touch these days. Lauren isn't returning my phone calls. My mom is out of town this weekend so I can't even call her. My sister works at a major department store running the cosmetics department so she is swamped this weekend. My dad is working night shifts so he sleeps during the day. My kitty is ignoring me.
I hate feeling out of sorts. I hate feeling lonely, which is rare for me, for the most part. I haven't felt lonely in a long time...but today I sort of do.
4:10 PM | link | up| archives |
11.22.2001
of course there is the obligatory
list of things I am thankful for today. In some semblence of order but not really after the first five or so.
1. Joe and all the wonderful things that come with him (waking up together, amazing homecooked dinners, lots of cuddling, someone level-headed to keep me even, someone smarter than me, someone who is great with his hands, oh the list goes on and on...)
2. Romeo who for some godforsaken reason tried to get us up over and over this morning, starting at 6AM.
3. My family, who is far away and I miss terribly. My parents, brother, sister and my wonderful, adorable nephews.
4. Friends and the memories I have made and the good times I have had with them all. Far too many of you to name, and you are scattered all over the globe, but I am glad that each of you have touched my life.
5. Joe's family, who have really taken me in and accepted me in a way that makes sharing the holidays with them really wonderful.
7. Chocolate. Of course!
8. That I've lost 7lbs in the last 3 weeks (without forgoing chocolate entirely, I might add!)
9. My new video card for my puter, but more importantly, the wonderful friends that sent me the new video card, just because I needed one.
10. That I am writing and creating all the time.
11. That even with my stupid temp job and the boss that talks to my breasts and less 75% of my old salary, we are still able to make ends meet.
12. That my car works.
13. That my health is improving and that I've found an exercise (yoga) that I think I can stick with.
14. That no danger since September 11 has happened in the Boston area.
15. Joe. Yes, again.
12:04 PM | link | up| archives |
11.21.2001
and something sick
and disgusting. Someone found my site by searching for "little girlies wee holes." My site came up because those words are mentioned randomly (and definitely not connected) throughout my blog. I am always amazed at the true perverts on the Net. I'm one of the most open minded persons you will find when it comes to sex and fetishes but there is nothing, nothing that can ever make me understand how people can prey on and fantasize about children. Just makes me ill.
Makes me afraid to have kids of my own. I used to work on a crisis hotline and one of the regular callers was a patient of the mental health center that the hotline was connected with. She was a pedophile...and she used to tell me how she would molest children in public places, sometimes when their parents weren't that far away (on the bus, on the playground). As part of my job, I would listen and would do my best to divert her talk toward more healthy matters but she was fixated, obsessed. It was awful. Even now, nearly 8 years later I remember those calls perfectly.
It leaves me very sad and angry that there are people in the world like this.
11:49 AM | link | up| archives |
the lists
the Xmas wishlist...my family been bugging me for it.
My Amazon Wish List
For the most part, it just demonstrates how utterly boring my temp job is.
11:32 AM | link | up| archives |
11.20.2001
it WAS good!
Harry Potter that is. Joe liked it too. We went last night...met downtown at the theater on the Common and saw the 5:30 show. There wasn't a single kid in the audience which was nice because it was very quiet. I thought that it followed the book fairly well. It was very well cast, especially Snape, Ron and Hagrid. It did leave out many details that make the book extra fabulous, but it would be hard to fit it all in in the space of two hours. Even Joe, who is always skeptical of anything with such hype, such a commericalist center, and a bunch of bandwagon jumping, liked it. I was as well when I first picked up the books but damn...I was so pleasantly surprised. If you haven't read the Harry Potter books yet, just do it. Succumb.
11:54 AM | link | up| archives |
11.19.2001
i have
lots of little things to blog about that no one probably cares about but I'm going to splurt out here anyway because I'm killing time before I leave work.
I have a massive bruise on my thigh. Because I am the clumsiest person I know. I fall over on flat surfaces. This time I ran into the corner of my desk, HARD. The bruise is raised and the size of an egg and black as hell. Ick.
Going to see Harry Potter tonight. So far I have heard it's GREAT for people who haven't read the books and for little kids. For adults who have read the books they are much more skeptical, so I am bracing myself. I loved the books and it will be hard to see them on screen in some ways.
Destroyed a bird nest this weekend. Had to. It was under the air conditioner and between the window sill. They were making a ton of racket in there in the mornings. It's been getting cold though so we took the air conditioner out and sealed up the windows with plastic. Such a great invention. Joe only let me blow dry one window though...he was afraid I would mess it up. I thought it was cute, considering I have lived there for five years now and I did it by myself for the first three years I had been there (didn't do it last year..the heating bill showed it!). *teases Joe mercilessly*
I feel more flexible since doing the yoga. I'm actually sad I won't be able to do it tonight!
And suddenly...CRAP! I realized JUST NOW that we missed JVPs open studios!!! OMG I want to kick myself. How on EARTH did we forget it? Grrrrr. GRRRRR. John if you read this...I am SOOOOOOOOOOOOO sorry. I wanted to go!!!! We were planning on going!!!!! Sigh sigh sigh. Somewhere between Friday when I talked to Joe about it and just now, this very second at 4:15PM Monday, it completely and utterly slipped my mind. Oh man, I feel like the biggest heel in the world. Please write and let us know how it went. Maybe we can come by next weekend if you are around and see it? I really really want to see your paintings. Or during the week I could meet you down in the North End for dinner and stop by...
Sigh. Now I feel awful. sigh sigh sigh sigh sigh sigh.
On a brighter note, I have been fleshing out and world-building my novel...something I've been pretty into lately. Not so much writing yet as I'm realizing that the world in which the plot takes place needs to be defined and grown before I can sink my characters into it. Joined a mail list at otherworlds.net and the advice I have received thus far has been invaluable. I am suddenly surrounded by extremely intelligent, amateur and professional writers...a little intimidating in some ways but very motivating and challenging as well. It's rare to find a good email list to be excited about.
Still feeling awful about JVP.
Joe and I had our picture taken with Santa and Mrs. Claus this weekend at Tags hardware in Porter Square. He was sitting next to the space heaters and well, we needed one and they goaded us into a polaroid. And no, I'm not posting it here but it is funny. Hardware store santas...what will be next?
The Iron Chef on Monday night was humorous...in the sense that I felt like I was watching a WWF show rather than a cooking show. It was essentially pretty ludicrous. And as much as I like Todd English's cooking, his theatrics were way over the top. I find that now instead of thinking he is a fabulous chef, I view him more as a very stuck-on-himself pretty boy. Terry Simon's professional manner as a cook earned my respect a thousand times over. Give me the original Iron Chef show anyday. This one rather sucked. Oh and Shatner has spent more time eating the food than he has thinking about his really terrible wardrobe. Ahh Shatner. You'll never recover your greatness from your Enterprise days.
I still feel like crap about missing the open studios. Stopping now to go write John.
4:42 PM | link | up| archives |
11.17.2001
i'm always
amazed that people manage to find my webcam link but they never manage to notice the DATE on the webcam...they honestly think I am just away from the camera or have it off for the day. It hasn't been on for the last 14 MONTHS. But they send me letters telling me how beautiful my eyes are and that they are sad that I'm not there to wave at them. At some point I should just take the stupid link off...I thought burying it a bit would be enough but I guess not.
Thinking about an overhaul to the site at some point anyway. Designwise that is...we'll see. I'm not really a Web designer so don't expect something fantabulous out of me. Maybe after Thanksgiving.
11:30 AM | link | up| archives |
11.15.2001
i'm hoping that
i have found something exercise related to obsess about. I've been looking at my stairstepper sitting in one corner of my apartment collecting piles of dust. It has become a junk catcher, especially since it's hidden behind a stand up screen. I keep thinking about it but mostly with a sort of guilty loathing. Why on earth didn't I buy a treadmill at the time? I hate the stairstepper...hate it hate it hate it.
The one form of exercise I have always loved...could do literally every day, is hiking. I miss going hiking as much as I used to in past years. I really love the outdoors and the experience of making it to the top. But as any hiker will tell you, as strenuous as it is to get to the top, going down is often much harder.
The bad thing about hiking though is that you just can't do it every day when you live in the heart of the city. Instead, I'm restricted to walking on concrete sidewalks, with smoke from passing trucks, being bumped by passing runners and bikers, and, well, I just don't get into it very much...mostly because I hate walking by myself...would much rather have a partner to hang out with.
I bought a bike last summer. I think I rode it twice. I didn't even get it out of the basement this summer...which I feel terrible about. Part of that is because taking it up and down the stairs really sucks on my neck and back and part of it is because I hate riding in the same crowds that I would walk in. Street riding in Boston for an amateur really sucks.
And so, more out of desperation than anything else really, and at the suggestions of a couple people, I picked up a yoga DVD about a week ago. I wanted something that I could do, at home (can't afford the bloody gym right now) and that wouldn't make Frenchy downstairs wonder about the ruckus upstairs. And what do you know...I really really like it. I don't find it easy...in all reality it's not easy at all. But then again it sort of is...
I'm a somewhat flexible person but I'm definitely not in the shape that I need to be to do the tougher poses. I have never, even as a child, ever been able to touch my toes. I'm unsure that I ever actually will be able to...but I find that it doesn't really matter so much. I will become more flexible as I practice more and I will be shaping my body in a way that I can consciously feel as I practice and each day afterward. I love the meditative qualities of it all, the relaxed way my body and my mind feels afterward. I've found that I'm conscious of things like my posture during the day in ways that I wouldn't be. I'm walking taller because I'm thinking about the fact that I shouldn't be slouching and I feel more connected to how my body feels.
My friend Lauren has been a dancer and choreographer for years now but took up yoga and pilates about 3-4 years ago and she instructs in Hartford, CT (if anyone down there is looking for classes or a private teacher, write me and I'll put you in touch with her). She's been trying to get me to do it for years but I just never thought it would be for me. I've admired how her body has changed over the years though. She's muscular, toned, healthy. Now I wish she lived closer! Or that I had taken her up on her offer to instruct me here and there when she's visited, sigh. Hindsight is always 20/20.
But I practiced five times in the last week (45-50 min at a time) and tonight will make it the sixth...pretty damn good considering that I was only looking for something to do 2-3 times a week!!
VERY good to be obsessing about something like this. :-)
2:38 PM | link | up| archives |
11.14.2001
upon asking my friend
Payman if he is flying to NY for a tradeshow this week...his response:
I am driving. I would drive even if it was in Vegas or LA. I'm not fucking flying now.
"Right now, we appear to be in some kind of Karmic clusterfuck discontinuity folded anomaly in the space fucking time continuum captain. The tricorders are off the charts and I'm fucking driving till further notice Captain. Data Out."
If you know what I mean.
Classic Payman. But yep, I know exactly what he means.
10:17 AM | link | up| archives |
11.13.2001
a little list
of enjoyable things.cuddling first thing in the morning
hot coffee
Christmas lights up in Faneuil Hall
new paperback books
having conversations with the kitty
writing letters back and forth with my mom every day
poetry~writing and reading it
hanging out with Joe while he cooks dinner
looking forward to hanging out with Joe while he cooks dinner
eating Joe's dinner
warm sweaters on cold days
11:14 AM | link | up| archives |
11.12.2001
socializing, stretching and sighing
are swirling around me these days. Spent lots of time with friends this last week, starting with Joanie and Mike (oh and its boucheron, Joanie!) and then a fabulous Saturday afternoon with Paulette and yesterday afternoon at Joe's long-time friend, Carol's new pad, munching on yummmmy food, drinking wine and meeting new people.
I've been holed up for FAR too long. Now that the holidays are nearly here I am anxious to start socializing again. I wish we could have another Xmas party but alas, space is a bit less in the apartment now.
My dear friend Lauren would be proud of me, however. She has been bugging me to take up yoga for a long while (she's a yoga and a pilates instructor) and well, I finally have. Been looking for something I can do in lieu of a gym during the winter months and thought that I would check it out. So, picked up a good DVD that someone had recommended and tried it out. What I love about it is the relaxation, the meditation and the variety involved. It was harder than I thought but good. I can feel it in my neck, my abs and shoulders today. I would love to join a class but my poor temp job salary isn't quite in the place where I can do that, so the at home routine will have to do. Maybe I can get Lauren to come up for a weekend and design a routine for me. :-)
And sighing because I've been moody this week, because of today's plane crash, because I hate my temp job, because my family is far away, because one of Joe's friend's father died of cancer today, because I only have one more hour till I go home.
3:51 PM | link | up| archives |
i wish
Nicole would stop dreaming. Her permalinks aren't working...look for the entries on the 6th and the 7th...I think she might have had another but her archives for October aren't working either. :(
10:12 AM | link | up| archives |
11.11.2001
more foolishness
in my mailbox. Most of this foolishness is from Brazilian men who can barely speak English or can't speak it at all. Once in awhile it's an Italian man but they are a bit more subtle than those men down in South America.
Most of these men do not read my site. They look at my picture and assume that I want to receive an email from them...emails like this that MARESCASAL@aol.com (and yes, feel free to send him email...he apparently wants it) sent me:
hy Im a brazilian man I want look to your possy plese !!!! I like you
First off, I have to commend this man for even ATTEMPTING to write in English. 90% of the emails I get from people in South America are in Portugese. As IF I can read it.
Now in looking at this brief email (all of them are brief...never more than one or two lines), I have to wonder what, first of all, the word "hy" means...it doesn't show up in any English dictionary that I have. I suppose to could be an abbreviation but of what, I'm not sure. And he wants to look TO my possy. Now what could that mean?? He wants to look to this thing...is that the same way you look forward to something? Perhaps if I knew what the word possy meant. Again, it does not show up in my dictionary. Could he have meant posy? He wants to look toward my flower? I am not a gardener, sorry. Or could he have meant posse? I do not have a posse at the moment but I think that perhaps I should get one together to hunt down MARESCASAL and show him how American women respond to letters like this.
But at least he likes me. Some people don't like me and I suppose that it is better to have someone like you than not like you. But then again, I suppose that depends on who the person is.
I am constantly amazed at my Brazilian fan base. I find MUCH humor in the emails. I think that I should have my boyfriend start writing them back. He could explain to them that for a fee we could let men like MARESCASAL look to my possy. I'm unsure if it is the same possy that he has in mind, however.
I think that I will have to start a page of all the fan email I get. I have so much laughter in reading them that I believe I should begin sharing the wealth.
2:23 PM | link | up| archives |
11.9.2001
wild and windy
today. Walking from Government Center to work, I found myself very windswept...nearly pushed forward in one of the little windtunnels created by the buildings downtown. I couldn't even see where I was going, for the most part, my hair in my face, blocking my view. I love that feeling though, the sheer force of nature swirling around me. It's such a positive energy charge that I really connect with. I have always felt an affinity to wind and I love storms that whip the trees around, blow leaves everywhere and make my house rock when I sleep. Yes, yes I know I wouldn't like a tornado probably or a hurricane...it would turn scary at that point, but as those things are a rarity where I live, I don't have to worry about it. I can enjoy the amazing energy that I find myself in on days like this.
While being tossed around in the elements this morning, I was fuming about not being able to find my watch. I hate feeling disconnected from time...not knowing if I am running late for work, how much time it took me to get from one place to another. I was relieved when I finally saw the clock on the Custom House this morning and saw that I was perfectly early for work. Not that it would matter if I was late, mind you, but I just hate being late in general. It's frustrating not knowing where my watch is. I know I must have made a terrible ruckus this morning looking for it while Joe was trying to sleep. It's not anywhere it would normally be though...not on my dresser, the mantel, in front of my computer, on my desk, the nightstand, the coffee table...I'm at a loss. The watch is not even a great watch...it's a Fossil (bought at the Mall of America when I went to Niki's wedding a couple years ago), but the finish on the backside of the watch has rubbed off and has the potential to turn my wrist green. I keep it coated with a layer of clear nail polish and then it's okay and no one knows any different. The watch still looks good and it works fine...but now it's lost! I don't even care about the watch...just the fact that I can't tell time on my own anymore...I'll have to ask strangers the time, look for bank clocks, clocks in public places. Thank god there is a little clock on my computer toolbar (invented, btw, by a former colleague of mine at Event Zero, many many many years ago...sold as a shareware tool until Microsoft realized it was so popular and implemented it in Windows) and a clock on my phone. I would go mad not being able to count the minutes till I'm out of this damn place on a Friday.
I know, I'm a control freak and not knowing the time puts me in a place where I have no control. I should learn to just relax, huh??
10:58 AM | link | up| archives |
11.6.2001
one sort of sad thing
the Sikh at the supermarket who has been there for the last two years has stopped wearing his turban and is now wearing a Star Market cap, all his hair tucked up into it and a cloth covering the back hole on the hat. It's sad that so many uneducated people, who now live in terror, forced this man into doing something that nearly goes against his religious beliefs. Either that, or the grocery store itself asked him to take it off, for fear of frightening away customers.
Oh, and I must have attracted the energy towards myself and left me jinxed...I have been bragging about how I have never been called for jury duty and everyone I know has...(Joe's mom was called twice in the last couple weeks!) and lo! and behold! In my mail today is the summons for a date in January. Go figure.
Still feeling under the weather a bit but now mostly tired more than anything. I think my eye prescription needs to be checked. My contacts are driving me nuts so I've been wearing my glasses lately and they make me sleeeeepy. Thanks for all the well wishes, btw. :-)
9:23 PM | link | up| archives |
11.4.2001
i hate feeling
under the weather, waking up at five AM coughing so hard I can barely breathe. The weather is definitely changing and well, the cold that I have is coming along with it. I hate runny noses, but mostly I hate the coughing. Joe thinks it's cute when I say "I'm fighting a cold." He says I say that a lot, but now it's really apparent and he can't argue because the coughing fits are longer and more frequent.
The cold weather really exacerbates it all. I was diagnosed last winter with cold-induced asthma, have an inhaler (which I can't refill this year due to my lack of medical insurance, sigh) and all. I have coughing fits that happen when I experience a drastic change in temperature...going from warm to cold and vice versa. The fits are so strong that I literally get dizzy because I can't take in enough air to breathe. In extremely cold weather, I have sometimes been afraid that I could pass out. This upcoming week the temperature will be in the 40s, which means lots of coughing ahead for me. Not fun on top of the cold.
But the good news is, in the winter I have lots and lots of tortellini soup, all spicy and hot, with bits of chicken sometimes...the best kind of chicken noodle soup you can have, in my opinion. MMmmmmm.
9:40 PM | link | up| archives |
11.3.2001
i live
four blocks from this.
Police seek van with suspicious cargo
Driver, halted at mall in Cambridge, flees
By Jenny Jiang and Fran Riley, Globe Correspondents, 11/3/2001
After days of preparing for vague threats, police departments across the state last night had a tangible menace to chase: A rented van with a cargo of possible bomb-making materials was stopped at a Cambridge mall and sped away before police arrived.
A security guard stopped a Ryder rental truck with darkened windows as it tried to enter a parking garage at the busy CambridgeSide Galleria at about 6:35 p.m., according to Cambridge police.
Guards opened the rear doors of the van and saw six 55-gallon drums and gasoline cans duct-taped to the walls and floor of the van, officials said. But when the guards started to take a closer look while summoning local police, the driver sped away.
When police arrived, they summoned the FBI, which broadcast an alert to police departments across the state. The FBI asked police to contact its terrorism command post with any confirmed sightings of the van.
''Certainly it's a concern, based on the information provided to us,'' said FBI spokeswoman Gail Marcinkewicz.
The FBI's concerns notwithstanding, one law enforcement official said the van sighting did not fit into any specific threat recently made against Massachusetts targets. The Bay State, the official said, was not mentioned as a target in the renewed alerts that officials in Washington and California had announced in recent days.
But the reports of the van's potentially dangerous cargo had police scanners crackling last night with sightings of rental trucks and cruisers swooping down on any vehicle that fit the description.
The van first aroused suspicion when it pulled into the entrance to the upstairs garage next to the Sears store. The driver and passenger became belligerent and were told to back up out of the entrance to the garage, said Issie Shait, general manager of the mall.
The Galleria was already on heightened alert in the wake of the Sept. 11 terrorist attacks. Mall security since the attacks has had a policy of checking every vehicle with tinted windows, said Frank Pasquarello, Cambridge police spokesman.
The men backed the van into the street and waited a few minutes as instructed by the security guard, but took off before the other security officers arrived at the garage entrance, Shait said.
''The security guard did a great job,'' Shait said. ''He did exactly what he was trained to do.''
The van had a Florida license plate attached, but a law enforcement official and a Ryder employee said that it appeared to be a false plate.
The FBI also received an anonymous phoned bomb threat targeting a New Hampshire mall yesterday, but authorities did not deem the threat credible.
This story ran on page A1 of the Boston Globe on 11/3/2001. © Copyright 2001 Globe Newspaper Company.
Reasons why I want to move out of the city.
12:44 PM | link | up| archives |
11.2.2001
blatantly
stolen from Spoonfed...Shatner and Todd English (of the Boston and Vegas Olive's fame) both on the Iron Chef. What more could you possibly want?
3:16 PM | link | up| archives |
memory
flooded back to me last night when I got Kim's reply. Wow. I had forgotten the circumstances of our falling apart. Basically, the first summer I was home from college, I had ended up sleeping with a guy named Rob (who I think had a fling with Kimberly a few months prior). Now Rob was the second person I had ever slept with (the first being some guy named E.J., in a park bathroom in the dead of winter, after a gig, when Kim drove me and three other people (including EJ) to Bogus Basin to mess around...I only knew his first name and it lasted all of 5 minutes and I was terribly disappointed. I was 18).
I had hoped that Rob would be different, that perhaps he liked me a little bit. My friends Scott and Donnie were out of town and I was housesitting...and so Rob and I ended up there and we messed around. After the deed was done...he turned over and fell asleep...no hugging, no kissing. I was really confused by that. The next few weeks it was like we were just friends but he called all the time and we hung out, leaving me even more confused...suddenly I was his best friend but not a girlfriend? I went off to college and he came up to visit, sleeping on the floor in my dorm (much to the chagrin of my roommate). The thing that was really awful about it was that I was hoping that he actually liked ME and that he was visiting cos he missed me...but that turned out to not be the case. He came up purely in the hopes of meeting other college chicks...and used me, as a friend, as a place to stay and a way to meet other girls to fuck. I was really hurt by his actions, the way he so completely used me. When I visited home for Thanksgiving later that year, my sister told me that Allyson had told her about me sleeping with Rob (she and Allyson were still at school together). I was mortified...my sister would tell my parents, I was sure of it (in the end, I don't think she did, which shocked me). And I was CONVINCED that the only way that Allyson knew about it was because Kim, who was the only person who I had told about it, had told Allyson. I quit talking to both of them right then and there. Allyson was a fairly petty person who always had it out for me for some reason and I am sure that I felt betrayed that Kim would tell her. Well it turns out that Rob had told Allyson directly rather than Kim telling Allyson, but Kim never came to me to tell me that...probably because by then, I was back off to school and it was just easy for me, in my hurt about Rob to push it all away. As a result I also lost touch with Traci, who was such good friends with Kim at the time. And eventually, I just forgot about it all.
I was just so shocked that I had forgotten about it, and of course I remember it all now. My high school years were filled with amazing drama...way more drama than any normal person should ever be exposed to, I think. God I had so much angst back then. There is no amount of money you could ever give me to convince me to relive my high school years. That's part of my fear of having children, I think...because someday they will grow up and have to go through high school and I wouldn't wish that on anyone...and especially on me, having to deal with those kids dealing with the most hateful times of their lives. Now society is so much different...I never had to be AFRAID at school when I was growing up. Sure, there were drugs and alcohol, but there weren't any guns, any knives, any serious violence. I know me...if I had kids I know that I would turn into an overbearing, worrywart parent, just like my mom was...but worse. Trust me, that's scary.
10:48 AM | link | up| archives |
11.1.2001
a blast
from my past greeted me this morning when I checked my email...my high school friend Kimberly wrote me...she had found my site and wrote, 12 years after we last spoke. She surprised me, saying that she felt regretful about the circumstances in which our friendship ended...then I realized how old I was and my god, my memory of it all is just plain gone. Not the memory of our friendship, which is rich and important to me in shaping much of who I was during those years, but the memory of why we grew apart. I still am unsure. What did she do or say? What did we fight about? Did I block it out? Did I just stop caring? Did I leave and go to college and just push it away from me? I am waiting for her return letter and my curiosity is eating at me a little bit. There are people that I clearly remember really hurting me during my high school years, but I don't remember any fight that would have pushed us apart. Then again, there are a lot of friends that I grew apart from...friends that I never expected...maybe it was over the same sort of thing? I mean, why don't I talk to my friend Traci anymore? What happened to that friendship? And Allyson? I find myself in a strange confusion for not remembering...now it's eating at me a bit...I think it must be whatever it is that Kimberly is talking about, sigh, but until I hear back from her I just don't know. I guess I am fortunate...I remember more of the good times with her than any bad times.
I remember other reasons why I am not friends with some people in my past. I mean, there was Kellee in high school, who worshipped me and drove me absolutely crazy with her emotional demands upon me. There is Katie, who I met my first week of moving to Boise and she turned on me quite quickly when I wouldn't give in to her gossip and lies...and because I wouldn't convert to Mormonism. In college, there are people who hurt me...boys that really hurt me, Sean, an alcoholic who nearly raped me one late night before he passed out and I could sneak away. Shannon, who fought with me over a million things in college, who I stood by and forgave every single time and in the end she backed out of my wedding a month before it happened...and when I forgave her AGAIN and thought we had reconciled (nearly a year later), she cowardly stood me up when we arranged to meet. Those are people that I remember hurting me, hurting me in ways that I wish I could figure out, that I have already forgiven and that I just wish I could bring closure to.
There are people that I have just moved away from...the old high school best friend (that Kimberly knew as well) that moved here to Boston not long after I did, but I realized that she hadn't changed much and so I avoided meeting with her. She was someone who always always deliberately hurt me to try to make herself feel better...and now, combined with her tremendous pot habit, I just don't need her in my life as a friend. There is no pain there, just a growing (and me intentionally pushing) apart.
And then there is the one person...the only friend that I have really, honestly fucked over, who I tried to reconcile with and she won't even acknowledge me. That hurts most of all. It is one of the few regrets that I have in my life, that I did something to completely sacrifice our friendship...I lied to her, even though we were both embroiled in a situation that demanded lies to other people all around us. It was the one thing I had never done...lied to a friend over a lover. Well, I lost them both...and the lover I don't miss...he is very selfish and confused and too little of a man to put his life right. The friend, well I miss her a lot, and I have tremendous regrets about what I did but there isn't anything I can do...I tried to talk to her but she won't listen. I think that is the worst of all.
I know what that feels like...to always regret something and wish that you had just not done the thing in the first place, or wish that you had the chance to put it right. When Kimberly wrote me and told me that she had always regretted her actions...I felt both confusion, but also compassion...twelve years is a long time to wonder about someone and wonder if they still hate you and if there is anything that you could have done to fix it. I'll always feel tremendous sadness about my lost friend. I will always wonder if she can ever forgive me...maybe someday she will, but will I ever know when she does?
I've never harbored very much hate for people in my past. I have always, in some ways, been TOO quick to forgive. But I would rather, much rather, be able to do that...to forgive those who have wronged me and move on, than to harbor that sort of negativity within me. Right now there is only one person that I haven't really forgiven yet...my ex-mother-in-law...because of her terrible, horrible treatment of me, of the way she suppresses my ex and runs his life, of the way she lets her family feud around her. Someday I will release those feelings, but I find they are still too close and those wounds are still deep.
Otherwise, I find that life is just far too short to feel that way.
4:22 PM | link | up| archives |
