9.30.2001
creative energy
always fills me up in the fall. Last night I poured out another seven pages of the novel that I'm working on. I have so much of it mapped out because it has a complex plot but the writing always seems to escape me. But in reading a book by Julia Cameron, The Right to Write and in Stephen King's On Writing, a Memoir of the Craft , I am realizing that I have too many excuses not to write. I will do anything, pick the lint off the carpet, indulge the cat in an hour long petting session or surf the web for hours rather than write. And why? What stops me? What scares me about writing the book? Julia Cameron talked about her experience when she first started writing...the fear of not writing something perfect. She would take forever to write a chapter because she would go over it and try to perfect it rather than just plunging forward. Stephen King talks very much about the same thing--he advises not to revise until you are done with the book, then to put it away and go back later. I have realized that that is what I need to do...to just plow through, to keep myself from going back over the pages until I'm a particular way through the story. I have promised myself that I won't rewrite or look back unless I need to find story details that are relevant to what I am writing now, OR to change something in the past writing that is a result of something that I changed in the present.
I am glad that I am mapping out the book on paper though, instead of just writing and seeing where it goes. I think that in the past I have tried to do that and it stops me because I don't know where to take the writing next. This time is different. I know the story and now I just need to tell it. I know that as I go, the writing gets easier, so I need to try and keep up momentum. When my focus is broken, such as it was by my mother calling during last night's writing session (I thought it was the boyfriend and I was going to just say I'd call back or I might not have answered it...I ended up talking to my mom for an hour), I find it hard to move back into that flow. I'm glad I managed to have those 2,500 words or so down on the page before she called. At least I feel like I accomplished something.
The autumn season always inspires enhanced creativity in me. Not sure why...perhaps it is the way the world is changing around me. I love the way the air is different, dressing in fall clothes, seeing the colors change. When the boyfriend was getting ready to leave for work yesterday and I was helping him downstairs with his bike, I realized how much different the light was at 2PM in the afternoon. I could tell the season just by how much different the light was that was in my apartment. Everything was a bit more subdued, quieter, shaded in a more amber tone. I love how that is.
Today I think we're headed to wander flea markets...no clue where and we've no money to spend but its the getting out that will be a good thing.
Tomorrow is our one year anniversary.
12:03 PM | link | up| archives |
9.29.2001
autumn
is finally upon us. The leaves are starting to change, but very slowly here in Boston. I can't wait till next weekend when we head to the Berkshires once again for some true leaf-peeping. The weather has definitely changed though, just in the last week. I'm here in long pants and a sweatshirt and I'm still cold. The wind today has been brisk and strong, rattling all the windows in my house. On my walk today I picked up a bunch of beautiful leaves, which I'll share with you over the next few days.
I've been a bit melancholy though...I think it's the worry about money, the knowing that I'll be heading to work full-time in just a couple of weeks and that the job I'll be heading to is transitory...a full-time temp job in a place that is unknown to me as of yet. I know I'll have the work but parts of me have been worried about the type of work and my gusto to get excited about it. I went for a walk today though and it helped for me to try and put my situation into perspective. I think I'm just scared because my decision to go back to school is, I believe, a right one...but it will mean less money while I'm doing it and it will lead to some additional student loans on top of what already seems insurmountable. I'm so fortunate to have a partner who believes in me and who supports this decision of mine, even when I've been scared to move forward.
So today, walking along the Charles, sitting on my favorite bench, on the Cambridge side of the river, almost directly across from the gleaming gold dome of the Capitol building, I had to put my thoughts into perspective. This upcoming full-time temp work will NOT be my job...it is merely a vehicle to get me to what I really want to do...which is writing, and potentially, in my future, teaching on a collegiate level. I thrive in that academic atmosphere and I know that what ever I do in my future, it has to be in the company of writers and thinkers. It's just difficult...I thought by the time I hit thirty that I would be IN my career, not restarting it. Another thing to keep in mind...life is a constant mystery and it unfolds differently than we might ever expect. Nine months and no marketing job is telling me one huge massive thing (besides the fact that our economy is in the shitter)--that I should be doing something else. Perhaps it isn't for me and if it is, it isn't for me right now at the very least.
I have to move forward with something that I'm passionate about, that I wake up every day, or most days, excited to be doing. Life is just too short for me to be wasting it in a cubicle in a nearly windowless building day after day after day.
Walking observations: The flag along the boat docks near the Science Museum was waving in the wind today...and it just looked so beautiful, blowing above the boats, the red white and blue bright in the autumn sun. Very few people walking or running today, which surprised me because it's so gorgeous, albeit cold, today. All the rowboats at the little rowboat dock (to take you out to the boats moored in the river) had water in them, a few of them were almost entirely submerged. They were taking wedding pictures in the park behind the courthouse...the girls looked so cold in their strapless lime green dresses. You could smell the roasting nuts from the Superior Nut Company...it was the first time I could smell them. I can often smell the candy being made at the nearby Necco plant, but not the roasting nuts. It was such a warm, wonderful smell.
5:33 PM | link | up| archives |
9.28.2001
yesterday
I temped at the same local hospital where I was working in outpatient pysch earlier this summer. This time I was in their high-risk pregnancy ward...scheduling ultrasounds and answering phones. Although the temp work is pretty much mindless, being able to see different places and how people work has been fascinating. I was filing some charts yesterday afternoon and overheard two ultrasound technicians talking about a woman who they discovered had a baby that wasn't alive. The technician felt so awful having to give the woman and her husband the news. The mother was distraught, of course and he was angry, fuming...as the technician said, each grieving in their own ways. I just can't imagine.
I also learned that they pretty much categorize any pregnancy after the age of 35 as potentially being high-risk. I had always thought it was 40 for some reason. It was a funny realization for me...that I only have 5 years till I am in that category. Should my biological clock be ticking faster than it is for me now? I don't have any tremendous urge to have children, although I have to admit that during the last year, for the first time ever, I have actually wondered what it would be like to have a child. Before, I was convinced that I could live my life happily without any. And I still think that I can...but there is that curiousity...that sort of backwards wondering about having a child to nurture. Then the rest of the world crashes in on me and I'm not so sure...our society is such a mess, the thought of worrying about a kid in this modern world...but more so, the feeling that I have barely accomplished any of the things that I had wanted to in my life.
My boyfriend's sister-in-law feels like her life as it was before ended completely when she had her child...that she can no longer travel, that her life is no longer her own at all. I admit that I have that same fear, that same selfish anxiety about giving up my freedoms, about losing my dreams...dreams that I haven't even begun to realize yet. And money...god my life is so driven by money, about my parents' inadequacies to deal with it...my fear of becoming like them, losing my job, etc. How on earth can I ever afford to have a child? I'm worrying about how to stave off the evil landlady next week when the rent will be five days late.
But then, when I see pictures of my nephews, hear Cameron say my name for the first time over the phone...I feel a terrible sadness that I am not there. Even more so, a jealousy that my sister seems so happy, so transformed by her children. I know that would be lessened if I were closer to them, but it is there, a little bit, nonetheless.
12:59 PM | link | up| archives |
9.26.2001
some decent
linkage. Everyone is pointing to The Onion these days and for good reason. Okay so I'm jumping on the bandwagon here. I had to when I saw the headline "Hijackers Surprised to Find Selves in Hell."
When I was a little girl, I remember how much I loved to get letters. I wrote to my grandparents, I had a pen pal in both Australia and in Idaho (I met that one at one point, I remember). I waited every day for the mail and although 90% of the time there was nothing for me, I still waited. Funny how that's changed. Now I mostly dread going to the mailbox. My correspondence with friends is all by email. And so, in steps Nervousness.org, a brilliant site with the idea of bringing people all over the world together by Land Mail (or snail mail). I've signed up for a couple of the projects...and am thinking of my own project to post. Very cool site. Must see Must see Must see!
Tonight, FINALLY, is the much-awaited Enterprise. 8-10PM Eastern on UPN. Me and the boy are hoping we don't have to tape it because during our foray into geekdom and playing EQ last night, one of our party members (he's from Canada, go figure!) lost his body in a place that is pretty much unrecoverable without the boy's extraordinary powers of corpse summoning. The things we sacrifice for our friends!
11:19 AM | link | up| archives |
9.25.2001
what I really want
to know is what the US would actually do with Bin Laden if someone turned him over? Our legal system would be a farce in this case...you couldn't actually hold him in an American jail without it being suicide bombed by some overzealous patriot. The country would, for the most part, demand his immediate execution...where, how would it be done? Would an international court try him? What would the outcome be? I think, for the most part, that the US has never expected him to be turned over to them...and I wonder if anyone has weighed this issue--what if one of his counterparts actually turned him in for that $25 million that is being offered? What would we, realistically, do with him?
6:31 PM | link | up| archives |
9.24.2001
random
ramblings today on a variety of topics.
First off, go check out one of my favorite blog sites to keep up with The Blitch, and this written piece. Some well-worded food for thought.
My good friend Mike is a financial advisor...and as you can imagine he has particular thoughts about the economy at this time. Excerpted from a note that he sent me: Last week was, frankly, a rout in the worldwide markets. It was twice as bad as I thought it would be and it was equal opportunity (he's a hedge-fund manager) in its devastation. The equity markets worldwide declined by 15% and this exceeded the decline in the week of the crash of 1987. It has only been matched,historically, by 2 other very traumatic times in American history - in 1940 when the Nazis were overrunning Europe and in the Great depression. This additional decline compounded the problems that already existed.Over the last 18 months the S & P 500 Index (a proxy for the market blue chips) is down 37% and the Nasdaq 100 (a proxy for hi-tech) is down a breathtaking 70%...All of the bubble gains have been washed away and been replaced with steep losses which are damaging to the participants financially but more significantly, if history is any guide, they will (negatively)affect the way that these investors "invest" for many years to come. I thought after the debacle of 1968-74 (yes this makes him OLD!) that I would never witness another tragedy of similar magnitude where so many individuals lost so much. I was completely wrong and the damage this bubble has inflicted far outweighs the damage of the Nixon era and, in many ways, will I believe be as influential as the after effects of the terrible markets of the 1930's. Ouch. This is almost like hearing my father's edict--"this could be the beginning to the end..." Lovely. But truthfully, I think the beauty in this excerpt is the part where he says "I was completely wrong..." Amazing...to see him utter, and in writing nonetheless, that little "w" word.
But sadly, the act of terroism on the towers and the impending new war--it's something that most Americans of my generation never dreamed they would experience. The boyfriend's best buddy was talking today when I went to visit them at work--"to Gen X, this war is a TV show...Desert Storm was a TV show..." In a lot of ways he's very very right. The sad truth of the matter is that this time the show was filmed on our own soil, and the thought that our own loved ones will become actors in the show is downright terrifying.
But on a happier note, I found the CD that my friend Joanie and her new husband, Mike, put out for their wedding. I hadn't listened to it yet--it was thrown into my luggage and shuffled around for the last couple of weeks. But when I popped it in today and listened to Fairground Attraction's song "Perfect," I found myself remember the wedding, how the two of them waltzed into the room when that song began playing...it was a gorgeous entrance, a joyous moment in their lives and I can recall it so perfectly that it brings tears to my eyes even so...sentimental soul that I am. It was quite literally, a "perfect" moment. I am SO glad that I was able to attend her wedding, even if it was a ten hour drive to get there. :-)
6:06 PM | link | up| archives |
9.23.2001
need a subject!
i've decided to head back for my Masters in Creative Writing and Literature. The thing is...I have to submit: a critical essay written in the last four years, at least five to seven pages in length, demonstrating the applicant's ability to read and write critically about literary texts.
ACK! It's been 8 years since I graduated from college. God that's amazing just in itself, but true. I haven't written a critical essay in the last 4 years! That means I have to write one now. The length is no big deal, but the subject matter? I haven't the foggiest idea. What book? What author? What genre? Etcetera, etcetera.
Will take me no time at all to whip that together (in addition to my 1200 word essay on why I want to go back to school) but the subject! The subject! It eludes me.
3:45 PM | link | up| archives |
9.22.2001
things that
i just plain ENJOY--in no particular order:
Farscape
cheese and wine
hearing my little nephew laugh, even if it is over the phone, 3k miles away.
writing, writing, writing, and some more writing.
good poetry
cuddling with the boy
playing everquest as my little bard or my enchanter
old Star Trek episodes
chocolate (duh! I'm a girl!)
7:39 PM | link | up| archives |
9.21.2001
beauty
is not the drunk Afghans reportedly boasting to a Boston bartender earlier this week how there will be "bloodshed in Boston" tomorrow--and Ashcroft calling to also make sure that the city is on high alert this weekend. It's enough to prompt the boyfriend to say "Let's leave town tonight...where could we go?" Fucking scary is what this all is.
But there is beauty...a LOT of it at a site I recently discovered...Art History.cc. I even put up my own gallery...of paintings that I enjoyed. You can go check it out, vote for it, blah blah.
Been very prolific lately. Maybe it's the fact that I had nothing to do the last two days. I just got paid $160 for answering about 15 phone calls. Got to love that. But damn...talk about BORING. Thank god they let me read and write. Been working on a poem series...similar to a crown of sonnets but well, they aren't sonnets. There are 12 in this series and I have 10 of them done. I have been on a writing streak...and I'm realizing that I have to keep working on it. I'm not getting any younger.
Oh, joined the staff at Think Attack too...hopefully will keep my brain from numbing if I stop being so prolific.
And *hugs* to Niki. Your thoughts of today echo much that is in my mind.
6:46 PM | link | up| archives |
9.20.2001
the boyfriend
and I went to visit his parents at the Pitt last weekend, as I mentioned previously. We also spent some time at the Big E, where in addition to lots of animals going to the bathroom, I also had my personality test done (similar to one that I had taken at a North End festival with a friend last summer). The results? Well, those of you who know me can be the judge:
CRYSTALK: YOUR PERSONALITY ANALYSIS BY TELEVAC
You handle money wisely but are too conservative at times (HAR!).
You are not content to do things halfway.
You are nervous and restless.
You have a strong will and a determined nature.
You always enjoy the humor in a situation.
You accept responsibility cheerfully and are very dependable.
You are often restless and try to cover too much territory.
You have a very tolerant, loving nature.
You may compromise too much and waver from one view to another.
You are generally helpful to others.
You put the finishing touches on everything you do.
You are sometimes jealous and possessive.
I would say maybe 1/4 of these things are right. I'll let you guess which ones. ;-)
6:24 PM | link | up| archives |
9.19.2001
the end of the world
part of the Ampersand Project
Yesterday afternoon I was on the phone with my mom, talking about this last week's terrorist attacks. I have a cordless phone so I tend to wander around while I talk. Instead of putting away the laundry which was sprawled out over the bed, I decided to look out my front window while I prattled on about who knows what. I forgot what I was talking about though, when I saw a man outside my front window (I'm on the second floor of a three story townhouse) who had stopped to move things around in his backpack. He was black, possibly with some Hispanic mixed in...I bring that up only to point out that he wasn't of Arab descent. He wore a white t-shirt, blue baseball hat, jeans and had a green backpack. He pulled out a couple of sweatshirts from the backpack, put them on the sidewalk, bent over, looked around him...and pulled out a 6" carving knife from the fabric then slid it into the waistband of his pants. He stuffed the sweatshirts back into the backpack, swung it over his shoulder then continued on, down toward the county courthouse, the mall or perhaps the T.
I was shocked. I told my mom about it after he had moved on (I hadn't wanted him to hear me--my window was open) and we talked about it. She was oddly calm as I explained it to her. I was torn with indecision...should I call the cops? It's not illegal to be carrying a knife as far as I know. Perhaps he had it for personal protection? I talked to my mom for another five minutes, then decided that it was just too late to call at that point...who knows where the guy had disappeared to by the time I would have called. Then I felt guilty for not calling.
I was confused. Should I call and add my two cents into the hysteria that is going on in the world around me? What if the guy was just someone that was scared for his own safety and carried it just as an "in case?" But then again, what if he pulled the knife on someone at a convenience store, down an alley, on the T, etc. Here I was in a typical conundrum...should I be the indifferent American that we are all conditioned to be? Should I be a hysterical, concerned American that is scared to death about terrorists striking on my own soil? Should I be a responsible neighbor in my community and alert the police in case of potential danger? In the end I didn't do anything and now I wonder if that was right.
It concerns me that the man had a knife at all. If this had happened before the terrorist attacks on the WTC, how would I have reacted, I wonder? Now there is a sense that the world has changed...there is a state of hyper-awareness that has set in...an ominous, heavy feeling that sits on top of us all.
I've heard it a few times during the last week...perhaps that this is the start of the end of the world. What does that mean? That we'll blow ourselves up? That the skies are going to open up with fiery rain and kill us all...leaving us to the mercy of whatever gods we all worship? People have been predicting the end of the world for thousands of years now...and let me tell you, none of them have been right. This is, instead, a war, and that very much begets change....it IS in a sense, the end of the world, but only as we know it. The American way of life has been disrupted, our psyches have been ingrained with the images of the towers exploding, then collapsing in a slick-as-film sort of way.
So much is different now. I know that I'm not the only person to have been plagued with nightmares this week...dreams ranging from being abandoned by loved ones to army helicopters fighting outside my house. The Red Cross has been overwhelmed by donations from all over the country. Flag companies can't keep up with the demand for Old Glory. Families and old friends are reuniting after years of separation in some cases. I talked to a good friend of mine yesterday who said that she called her brother, who she hasn't spoken to in 15 years and decided to reconcile. Americans all over are signing up for the armed services (even senior citizens are requesting to sign up for the National Guard). Countless others are ready to go if the draft is called. Music performers are cancelling tours and shows nationwide. Business conferences and award ceremonies have been postponed or put on hold. People are more concerned to travel...have cancelled plans for vacations away and are electing to stay within driving distance. Websites and talk radio shows are slathered in discussion about war, about tactics, about the future. People attended church last Sunday in record numbers. Walking down the street, people say hi to me...in Boston! Shocking.
My friend Mike said yesterday that people are now tired...tired and drained...and anxious. The week's events tore through us all in a way that was entirely unexpected. Now we lie in wait, wondering, watching, hoping that our leaders will take the right path. But what the hell is the right path? So we pray some more, we hug our friends and loved ones and we wait and watch.
The old America has come to an end in many ways. Our lives and our way of work will be forever changed. Security tighter, people more cautious, patriotism leaching out of our pores.
11:51 AM | link | up| archives |
9.18.2001
this last weekend i saw
far too many animals defecating or urinating. Went to visit the boy's parents this weekend on the other side of the state. Got out of the car at the Italian restaraunt where we were going to eat and a cat was on the lawn near the car...completely unshamed, squatting and having a hard time. The boy was laughing gleefully...like something out of a Beavis and Butthead cartoon. His mom casually comments on the poor cat's diarrhea (blech). She is hilarious though and we were all laughing...and all amazed at how unabashed the cat was. Usually cats are terribly embarassed to have people watching them.
Then, at the Big E, lots of cows and pigs and chickens and the like. We're walking down the aisle of cows and I notice that one cow's tail was twitching a bit oddly...and the boy and I backed off just as it started to urinate. Ewww. He's cackling like a madman, laughing at my reaction to decide that we should go look at the sheep instead of the cows. I'm sorry...I just prefer the fuzzy sheep, silly goats and the adorable baby piglets than watching some animal doing it's bathroom business. Call me crazy.
On the way to and from the Pitt, on I-90, there were cops everywhere, two to a car, not pulling anyone over. Must have seen at least 20 cars each way.
And flags everywhere...every other house in the Berkshires was flying one. They are on overpasses on the highway, hanging off businesses. It makes everything feel a bit more surreal.
But this morning, my sister called me, with my little nephew who is barely two..."Hi Crystal!" he says to me on the phone for the first time. Oh...now THAT is something to make your heart sing.
12:21 PM | link | up| archives |
damn media hysteria
From Much Music News, the latest result of the way our media manipulates us all. I'm sorry but this goes WAY too far. Who the hell asked this company to "protect" me from potential anti-war sentiments, war depictions, songs that offer solace about war, that might suggest violence in the most obscure ways.
*****Clear Channel Bans Songs From The Radio
Clear Channel is a massive media company in the US that owns 1,170 radio stations all over the world. In light of the events of last week they have pulled The Beatles “A Day In The Life”, Elton John’s “Rocket Man”, Queen’s “Another One Bites The Dust” and U2’s “Sunday Bloody Sunday” from their station’s play list. They are recommending the following songs be pulled as well. Artist Title Drowning Pool "Bodies" Mudvayne "Death Blooms" Megadeth "Dread and the Fugitive" Megadeth "Sweating Bullets" Saliva "Click Click Boom" P.O.D. "Boom" Metallica "Seek and Destroy" Metallica "Harvester or Sorrow" Metallica "Enter Sandman" Metallica "Fade to Black" Nine Inch Nails "Head Like a Hole" Godsmack "Bad Religion" Tool "Intolerance" Soundgarden "Blow Up the Outside World" AC/DC "Shot Down in Flames" AC/DC "Shoot to Thrill" AC/DC "Dirty Deeds" AC/DC "Highway to Hell" AC/DC "Safe in New York City" AC/DC "TNT" AC/DC "Hell's Bells" Black Sabbath "War Pigs" Black Sabbath "Sabbath Bloody Sabbath" Black Sabbath "Suicide Solution" Dio "Holy Diver" Steve Miller "Jet Airliner" Van Halen "Jump" Queen "Another One Bites the Dust" Queen "Killer Queen" Pat Benatar "Hit Me with Your Best Shot" Pat Benatar "Love is a Battlefield" Oingo Boingo "Dead Man's Party" REM “It’s The End Of The World As We Know It” Talking Heads "Burning Down the House" Judas Pries "Some Heads Are Gonna Roll" Pink Floyd "Run Like Hell" Pink Floyd "Mother" Savage Garden "Crash and Burn" Dave Matthews Band "Crash Into Me" Bangles "Walk Like an Egyptian" Pretender "My City Was Gone" Alanis Morissette "Ironic" Barenaked Ladies "Falling for the First Time" Fuel "Bad Day" John Parr "St. Elmo's Fire" Peter Gabriel "When You're Falling" Kansas "Dust in the Wind" Led Zeppelin "Stairway to Heaven" The Beatles "A Day in the Life" The Beatles "Lucy in the Sky with Diamonds" The Beatles "Ticket To Ride" The Beatles "Obla Di, Obla Da" Bob Dylan/Guns N Roses "Knockin' on Heaven's Door" Arthur Brown "Fire" Blue Oyster Cult "Burnin' For You" Paul McCartney and Wings "Live and Let Die" Jimmy Hendrix "Hey Joe" Jackson Brown "Doctor My Eyes" John Mellencamp "Crumbling Down" John Mellencamp "I'm On Fire" U2 "Sunday Bloody Sunday" Boston "Smokin" Billy Joel "Only the Good Die Young" Barry McGuire "Eve of Destruction" Steam "Na Na Na Na Hey Hey" Drifters "On Broadway" Shelly Fabares "Johnny Angel" Los Bravos "Black is Black" Peter and Gordon "I Go To Pieces" Peter and Gordon "A World Without Love" Elvis "(You're the) Devil in Disguise" Zombies "She's Not There" Elton John "Benny & The Jets" Elton John "Daniel" Elton John "Rocket Man" Jerry Lee Lewis "Great Balls of Fire" Santana "Evil Ways" Louis Armstrong "What A Wonderful World" Youngbloods "Get Together" Ad Libs "The Boy from New York City" Peter Paul and Mary "Blowin' in the Wind" Peter Paul and Mary "Leavin' on a Jet Plane" Rolling Stones "Ruby Tuesday" Simon And Garfunkel "Bridge Over Troubled Water" Happenings "See You in Septemeber" Carole King "I Feel the Earth Move" Yager and Evans "In the Year 2525" Norman Greenbaum "Spirit in the Sky" Brooklyn Bridge "Worst That Could Happen" Three Degrees "When Will I See You Again" Cat Stevens "Peace Train" Cat Stevens "Morning Has Broken" Jan and Dean "Dead Man's Curve" Martha & the Vandellas "Nowhere to Run" Martha and the Vandellas/Van Halen "Dancing in the Streets" Hollies "He Ain't Heavy, He's My Brother" San Cooke “Herman Hermits, "Wonder World" Petula Clark "A Sign of the Times" Don McLean "American Pie" J. Frank Wilson "Last Kiss" Buddy Holly and the Crickets "That'll Be the Day" John Lennon "Imagine" Bobby Darin "Mack the Knife" The Clash "Rock the Casbah" Surfaris "Wipeout" Blood Sweat and Tears "And When I Die" Dave Clark Five "Bits and Pieces" Tramps "Disco Inferno" Paper Lace "The Night Chicago Died" Frank Sinatra "New York, New York" Creedence Clearwater Revival "Travelin' Band" The Gap Band "You Dropped a Bomb On Me" Alien Ant Farm "Smooth Criminal" 3 Doors Down "Duck and Run" The Doors "The End" Third Eye Blind "Jumper" Neil Diamond "America" Lenny Kravitz "Fly Away" Tom Petty "Free Fallin'" Bruce Springsteen "I'm On Fire" Bruce Springsteen "Goin' Down" Phil Collins "In the Air Tonight" Alice in Chains "Rooster" Alice in Chains "Sea of Sorrow" Alice in Chains "Down in a Hole" Alice in Chains "Them Bone" Beastie Boys "Sure Shot" Beastie Boys "Sabotage" The Cult "Fire Woman" Everclear "Santa Monica" Filter "Hey Man, Nice Shot" Foo Fighters "Learn to Fly" Korn "Falling Away From Me" Red Hot Chili Peppers "Aeroplane" Red Hot Chili Peppers "Under the Bridge" Smashing Pumpkins "Bullet With Butterfly Wings" System of a Down "Chop Suey!" Skeeter Davis "End of the World" Rickey Nelson "Travelin' Man" Chi-Lites "Have You Seen Her" Animals "We Gotta Get Out of This Place" Fontella Bass "Rescue Me" Mitch Ryder and the Detroit Wheels "Devil with the Blue Dress" James Taylor "Fire and Rain" Edwin Starr/Bruce Springstein "War" Lynyrd Skynyrd "Tuesday's Gone" Limp Bizkit "Break Stuff" Green Day "Brain Stew" Temple of the Dog "Say Hello to Heaven" Sugar Ray “Fly" Local H "Bound for the Floor" Slipknot "Left Behind, Wait and Bleed" Bush "Speed Kills" 311 "Down" Stone Temple Pilots "Big Bang Baby," Dead and Bloated" Soundgarden "Fell on Black Days," Black Hole Sun" Nina "99 Luft Balloons/99 Red Balloons" All Rage Against The Machine songs*****
Who the hell asked this company to "protect" me from potential anti-war sentiments, war depictions, songs that offer solace about war, that might suggest violence in the most obscure ways. My god..."You Dropped a Bomb on Me" is a friggin' metaphor for love, infatuation, for crying out loud. I'm just baffled by some of these choices. Van Halen's Jump? Why? Because it might remind us of how people jumped out of the buildings? This is REACHING. And come on...Burning Down the House? Great Balls of Fire? Bridge over Troubled Water and Spirit in the Sky are songs with RELIGIOUS connotations...people have sang them in church! And why not Dancing in the Streets??? Will that remind us of the pictures of people dancing in Palestine? My god this is just plain IDIOCY.
And Sinatra's New York New York???????????????????????????????? One of the most unifying songs about that city...it should be something played to exemplify the spirit of that amazing town. Shut out by censors who have decided that we need particular protection.
I need to stop. I just get more and more pissed off the more I reread that list.
One thing I am curious about...they don't mention banning cover songs....hey everyone, call up that radio station and ask them to play the Carpenters' version of "Ticket to Ride..."
Will blog about the weekend tomorrow.
12:26 AM | link | up| archives |
9.15.2001
escaping
to a much quieter part of the state for the weekend. Going to hang out with the boy's parents in the Berkshires...the leaves are just barely starting to change. Hopefully less noise from fighter planes on patrol. Back on Monday night.
10:57 AM | link | up| archives |
9.14.2001
amazing
how a war (or threat of one) raises presidential approval ratings. Two weeks ago, he had a mere 55% approval. In the last four days that has gone up to 86% (broadcast on Fox News this evening). His dad was the same way...approval ratings went up drastically during the Persian Gulf War. I'm sorry, but I just don't buy it. Americans are scared and desperate for comfort, for leadership to be strong...they will naturally gravitate to him. As the boy said, at least he has competent people behind him.
It's a sad tragic fact...this takes away all concern we had about the state of the economy, about the fact that the President has spent 1/3 of his term in Texas and on vacation, about his inadequacy as a leader in general.
But, as the boy said tonight, this should be the least of our worries. I'm sorry...but I do worry. Last week he was eschewing Presidential duties to throw out the first ball at youth football games...and now we are putting our faith in him to save the nation from terrorism.
I'm sorry if I'm skeptical about it all. I'm scared shitless to be honest. Scared about the future, about the way the media whips us all into a frenzy and about entering into war. Knowing that we have a sketchy leader at the helm just makes it all worse.
One thing that has really struck me today...hearing the husband (U.S. Solicitor General Theodore Olson) of downed news correspondent Barbara Olson, about her life. How she was someone who lived life to the fullest. When he talks on the news he sounds so calm, so assured...not broken up. His response wasn't indifference, it wasn't even numbness...it was a sense of contentment that they had lived a full life together and appreciated every moment.
Something to aspire to.
10:26 PM | link | up| archives |
i find
that the fear that many people have had for the safety of the nation and for themselves hasn't really hit me yet--at least not until yesterday. I'm talking about the fear that if we go to war that me or my family could be hurt personally. The disaster that happened this last Tuesday affected me profoundly, but not to the extent that I was scared for my immediate family, who has not been in New York. I'm still not as worried about my parents and brother and sister (who are in Boise, ID--I mean, who cares about Idaho?) as I am for myself, for the boy, for his family, for my Boston friends, for my New York friends who are still safe. But yesterday I read something that suddenly hit me, chilled me and now I can't shake the terrible foreboding feeling in my head.
I can't even remember where I saw it (probably CNN), but it was a news item that said that Taliban has sworn to retalitate if US attacks Afghanistan. And then this morning, reading about Bin Laden's promise that his network of thousands in the US have been trained in chemical, biological and nuclear warfare and are ready for martyrdom.
Suddenly that just hit me hard. These attacks on Tuesday were dastardly, they follow no rules of any sort of conventional warfare. They hit a place where thousands of tourists visit every year, where civilians worked, where everyone would feel the pain. Will that be different if they unleash some terrible biological weapon, say, in Seattle, that spreads like wildfire? Or bomb Graceland or Disneyworld? Or drop ANY sort of nuclear weapon? I suddenly feel a terror...if we retaliate and they retaliate...
This is the first war that I have been alive for that could directly affect American soil. That could affect me (the Boston Marriott hotel that was stormed the other day is a mere two miles away...Logan airport is probably 1.5 miles away at most). Sure, they might not have the ability to do the damage that we could to their country...but the thing is, if they have followers that have already directly infiltrated the US...it's a whole different story.
My father lived in Jordan for a short period of time while I was growing up. He says that they see martyrdom as an ultimate end of some kind...and that they will not be humbled by us turning them to "glass" as he says. He believes that it takes humiliation and barbaric methods that we would never undertake such as heads on stakes to show them that they can not withstand the powers that we have. It made me very ill.
I have never been a patriotic person. I have never rallied behind any sort of flag-waving political sort of displays. But in some ways that is different now. I don't see patriotism as backing the government per se, I see it more as supporting the amazing people that we have within this country...the people who are giving their lives searching the rubble, supporting the families who mourn the victims of this tragedy, and in coming together in a unity that says that we believe in the power of the people upon which the fabric of this country has been woven. I am reading story after story of the way that the country has come together to help our fallen and I find that I do have some hope in humanity that I didn't have before.
On the other hand, I read and hear the terrible anger that people have, the harsh words and demand for action that in many ways bring us to the same level that the terrorists are at themselves. It fills me with a sickening fear...this clamor for war. I understand it...and in many ways I do back it. I find that I am torn...I want the bastards who did this to die...but I fear for the lives that will be lost...innocents caught in the crossfire. I am terrified that those innocents could end up being someone I know.
I find that I have a creeping terror that is weighing on me in a way that I have never had in my entire lifetime.
Ten PM EST tonight. Light a candle and pray for justice and ultimately, peace.
12:57 PM | link | up| archives |
9.13.2001
added
new comments system! Huge thanks to Aaron for taking the time to help me out with the implementation. Finally! You can rant and rave at me once more.
On a more scary note...I'm hearing about how they have detained individuals trying to board planes in New York with fake IDs, knives, open airline tickets and flying licenses. My first thought is one of horror. My second is one of--my god what IDIOTS. Can they really be that oblivious to all the news that they didn't realize that there were many new rules in place and that we would be ultra-alert at the airports? I mean, they clearly knew when the planes were going to fly so they must not be totally out of it. Still, I have to sing many praises to the divine power that graced them with such stupidity.
10:41 PM | link | up| archives |
apples
are yummy when I make them into muffins. Mmmm.
Attempting to implement a comments system into the site. Having some cgi problems (mostly I think because of the confusing way my host has it all set up--or well, maybe my ineptitude, hehe) but hopefully Aaron at Knurdle.com will help me figure it out.
Which reminds me of a kid that I went to school with in 1st-6th grade named Noral. He was fat and annoying and he was in all my classes and the teachers always sat me next to him. We all called him Nerdle. Hehe.
Observed on my walk: Children playing at the playground near my house. Flowers blooming everywhere. Many American flags hanging from windows and off houses in my neighborhood. One yellow flag with a big red heart framed by blue stars hung next to an American one...with the name of Mary and a birthdate and date of death--this last Tuesday.
Hilary Clinton is on TV now talking to Peter Jennings. Smart woman. I have always admired her. She has such presence, such a cool countenance. I'm so terribly disappointed in Bush and the way he is handling things. Does he have the ability to deal with this effectively? He's proven himself to be, for the most part, a bonehead, and all of a sudden our country has faced the worst disaster in its history and we have him as head dog. He has said so little compared to numerous state leaders and Giuliani. Yeah yeah sure, Bush has his hands full...but part of a President's job is to ease the public's fears, to encourage and to raise hopes and set expectations. He has done none of that. On the other hand, Giuliani has been amazing...always giving the public information, comforting families of the victims, rallying the entire city. I never really liked him much but I have to say...he has been exemplary in handling the situation. And umm...where is the Vice President in all this?
The leaves are starting to change. Might have an interview next week...cross your fingers.
8:23 PM | link | up| archives |
9.12.2001
still reeling
everything has changed. It's an indescribable feeling. Last night and today the boy and I have been glued to the news reports...desperate to know more and horrified at finding out that additional information. I had bad dreams last night...kept seeing the pictures from the news over and over in my head...they incorporated themselves very much into my psyche. I'm just grateful I don't remember much. But the two of us have been connecting in an unspoken way...I can feel it, the gratefulness that we are both together and alive and that our little travails are suddenly just that...little in comparison to the horror that continues to unfold.
The World Trade Center buildings were something that I just hadn't managed to visit yet in New York. I had saved them and the Statue of Liberty for a later visit. And now, when I go there again, it will be a memorial that I will see. I imagine something with black walls and thousands upon thousands of names.
The boy and I rarely watch TV in bed but we did last night, in silence, till very late and this morning, early on when we awoke, we turned it on to see if anything had occurred during the night. We listened this morning to talk radio...I couldn't take it and turned it to something more factual. Listening to the things people were saying about it all was making me more angry and sick to my stomach. Talk radio always seems to manage to find the stupidest people on the planet to make comments...and half the time the announcers tick me off with their inconsiderate treatment of the people they are talking to.
I think many of us feel helpless right now. Donate blood or go to these places to make donations:
Amazon's Red Cross Disaster Relief Fund
Paypal's Red Cross Disaster Relief Fund
New stories from friends rolling in. The boy's sister-in-law has a brother whose kids and wife were in very close vicinity to the building.When the school evacuated, they basically just sent the kids out of the building and told them to "go North." Apparently one of the kids is pretty messed up at the moment...he saw people jumping out of one of the towers. The family is all safe but it took them till 1AM to connect with each other and make their way home. My best friend (we worked out our miscommunication) has a client who was brought from California yesterday with their specially trained search dogs...they are searching the debris even now.
Boston.com has these headlines as the latest news: LATEST NEWS: Channel 5 is reporting that the bombing of the USS Cole off the coast of Yemen last October was planned by a terrorist cell based in Springfield. In another development in the NYC attack, officials say they have gotten five names of possible suspects out of material found in a car seized at Logan Airport. Two of the men are brothers; one is a pilot. The airport is closed indefinitely; more than 2,000 cars must be towed before it can open.
Another ex-coworker was talking about all the International flights diverted to Canada: "On the US stations there has been little coverage of this, but INS has effectively sealed the borders to/from the US, for obvious reasons. There is essentially no inbound (and presumably outbound) traffic at all. Curious as to where international flights went that were in the air when the chaos began? All air traffic bound for the US was diverted to Canada (several planes were on fumes when landing). The net of this is airports that normally get several dozen flights a day were seeing several dozen flights an hour (747 size no less), but the RCMP needed to process all these people & cargo. Normal processing of a 747 takes about an hour to an hour and a half, and these airports aren't equipped to handle the volume. People may be stranded on planes for days (Halifax currently has 20+ 747s waiting for processing). There is limited lodging in many cities so once cleared the stranded people are bussed over to arenas and schools. They can't stay in Canada so that means the planes are also stranded (ie. can't go back to say England if owned by Virgin). Net net, anyone planning any international travel in the next few weeks should expect significant delays, and if you were expecting international visitors, they're in Canada someplace and may not be able to call you. This also applies to parcel traffic so if you're expecting any UPS/FedEx items from overseas, don't hold your breath, they too are in Canada, and putting them on a truck probably isn't an option."
Now I'm seeing on Fox that they think a student at Embry-Riddle (flight school with a 757 motion simulators) in Florida is a suspect. They are linking Boston cabbies with connections to baggage handlers at the airport.
Saddest of all is the price gouging by greedy gas station owners...some prices have jacked up to over $5 and $6 in some locations although Exxon and BP are reassuring us that supply will not be hampered.
I believe that war is nearly inevitable now.
12:57 PM | link | up| archives |
9.11.2001
wandering around
the web and I find that other blogs just don't have anything to say. Blog after blog...and the posts are something like : "I don't know what to say," "I'm sick to my stomach," "Give blood," and that is about the extent of what people seem to be able to manage.
I think we all WANT to say something but nothing can convey the shock, the horror, the terrible overwhelming sadness. I haven't cried today...not until they started listing off NAMES of the people that died in one of the Boston hijackings...and where they were from. I just felt this terrible darkness inside me then...such sorrow. And the stories we keep hearing...one dear friend was in the WTC area this morning and was trapped in a nearby convenience store for awhile helping people come in from the wreckage.
And everyone is riveted...riveted...to the TVs and the radios. That's how I heard this morning. On the way to my temp job at a local college bookstore...in the car. The boy says "Put the radio in" and I do...and we listened for the next few miles till I arrived...and we were both in shock. I didn't see any pictures till 2:30 or so...I'm glad for that. I couldn't have continued working I don't think. I would have been in such a state. We could listen to the radio at work a bit...but no pictures, thankfully. It was emotional enough without the visual images.
And now I'm just sitting here, like everyone else, wanting to say something more...but there isn't any way for words to convey what I feel.
I just thank my divine power that my family and my friends are alive and well and in my life.
11:43 PM | link | up| archives |
i find that i
don't know what to say in the face of today's events. The more news I hear, the more sickened I get. The news just gets worse and worse. The details become more horrific all the time.
My dear friend Jack lives in New York and he took these pictures this morning. I'm so grateful that he is alive and well.
Just too numb and shocked to write much more.
3:22 PM | link | up| archives |
9.10.2001
sore
in my feet from standing all day, temping on a register. I remember now why I hated working retail. Sore in my head because I am seeing old patterns of frustration with myself or situations manifesting outwardly in really negative ways--behaviors that I would employ when I was married to get my way...unconsciously popping up now when I am feeling panicky about something...and basically it's not good. I am fortunate to have someone really patient in my life.
I am just feeling bruised and tender all over...like a peach that's been left in Niki's purse or perhaps more like one that has been dropped hard on a floor and is rolling down a huge hill at breakneck speed. Where will it all crash into a thousand fleshy pieces?
I was telling my friend Josh the other day....my world right now is full of massive ups and downs...now these aren't the symptoms of manic-depression...but merely polar experiences in my life. My relationship with the boy is on this heavenly plane of some sort...while my self-esteem in relation to my career has plummeted to near depths (I was a Director of Marketing at my last company...today I was a cashier at a college bookstore...a few weeks ago I was stuffing envelopes, last week and the week before I was at a desk answering phones). I'm either feeling really up or very very down.
The boy and I have been talking a lot about being disillusioned...not with each other, but with the way our lives are unfolding around us a bit. I am lost as to what to do with my life right now--corporate life seems so flat and empty to me (and no one seems to want to hire me anyway); he is lost about what to do in his--does he really want to be a teacher? Both of us are struggling with our artistic natures seeming to be on the back burner for us both (I'm trying hard to write SOMETHING every day, be it here, my journal or on my book, but that is only a recent effort...last two weeks or so). Niki talked about what it takes to find a passion in life...it is that constant that weighs on my mind. And that's what sucks most of all...I am passionate about my writing and the boy is passionate about his art...and neither of those things are going to pay the $1500 rent for us (got to love Boston's lack of rent control). I too envy those people that have managed to find a way to do what they love most in life and be able to make a living from it.
Something that I have decided drives me CRAZY: those new little purses with the short shoulder straps...they are EVERYWHERE and they are annoying. At the college I was at today, all the girls looked exactly alike.
5:38 PM | link | up| archives |
9.8.2001
things that are good for the soul
~having a loyal sweet kitty
~getting a card from my best girlfriend who thinks that I'm mad at her and I've thought all along she was the one mad at me and the realization of how stupid it is and that neither of us are mad at the other at all.
~chocolate
~finding out that Josh actually can play very "cool" tunes...and he can sing!
~walks on the Charles on a bright sunny day, alone with my thoughts.
~watching Dennis Miller late night cuddled on the couch with a glass of wine and a cozy boy
~reading 100 Love Sonnets by Pablo Neruda
~reading anything by Pablo Neruda
~chocolate
things that are bad for the soul
~there are SEVEN MILLION people without work in the US. Thanks dear ol Bushey. Feds are ready to tap into the Social Security surplus as well...got to love our government
~men who can't get the clue that I AM NOT INTERESTED. You would think that after nearly 3 years of ignoring emails the guy would get the hint? Amazing.
~realizing that your once best friendship has now been reduced to something that seems akin to apathy on the part of your friend.
~cat hair in your eye
11:28 AM | link | up| archives |
9.7.2001
deluge
when it rains in my world, it fucking pours. Something that should be really cool (my car being paid off) has turned into a panic attack because they suddenly want a large sum now that my loan has matured. $750 of a large sum to be exact, sigh. And the woman who called in the first place was a stark raving bitch...she called on my cell phone and I kept telling her that I was at my temp job as a receptionist and couldn't talk...I kept asking for a phone number to call back and she just kept ignoring me, asking where the car was at the moment, etc., not even giving me a chance to work something out with her. Finally when I told her that I was going to hang up and would prefer not to without the phone number, she blurted it out. I was in amazement. I was VERY polite the entire time and she acted like I was some delinquent that was trying to weasel my way out of the situation, sigh sigh. I kept asking for the number so I could call back...hullo! Thankfully the next woman that I talked to was very receptive and while she couldn't do much for payment arrangements, she managed to squeeze out an extra week for me to figure out which orifice I'll miraculously discover money in.
Yes, I AM bitching. Writing helps me get it out so that I don't completely crumble inside. I'm working at this lavish PR firm at the moment...which just makes it worse for me because my marketing background makes me a shoe-in for a place like this and yet they hardly give me a second glance. I'm just the blonde temp at the front desk. grrr.
But I'm downtown in my old haunt, two blocks from my old apartment on Newbury Street. I miss being down here. There is so much energy going on...so many people to watch. So many memories of hanging out down here. It was a happy time of my life. Going for a walk today and ordering steamed rice and potstickers made me feel a lot better. I spent a summer down here...but it's long gone now, just the dying remembrance lingering in the back of my head.
On a brighter note, visiting with my friend Josh tonight. He's cooking me dinner and going to demonstrate his skills as a bard. He's taking up the guitar and combine that with his kooky sense of humor and I think it will be a much needed evening of good times and laughter for me.
3:20 PM | link | up| archives |
9.6.2001
baffled
Sometimes I just sit in front of my blog and stare. What in the hell should I write? Should I rant and whine and complain about still not working, only 4 weeks of unemployment left, money becoming extra tight, being scared shitless about my future, blah blah blah. No one wants to hear that crap, not even me. And I don't want company in that misery...I want to be hauled out of it. I don't want to drag anyone down with it.
Should I write about being so madly in love that it shocks even me? I finally feel like I understand something about the nature of love and relationships that I never have in the past...and this being out of work and dependent on someone in a way that terrifies me has made me even more aware of the value of my amazing relationship with the boy. I'm not talking about the money, btw. I'm talking about the power of his belief in me...and more importanly...in US. I could go on and on about it...but writing about love is a curious thing...sometimes it can be too mushy for reading, it can be sappy sickly sweet and I don't want to gross anyone out with the details of my squishy heart. Plus I don't want to embarass him to death. Suffice to say that at least part of my life is kickass...being with him.
Should I write about my attempt to get back on track with my health? Lost two pounds this week...even being out of town at a wedding and eating well every day that I was out. That's what hours of walking round Niagara Falls will do for you. AND avoiding processed foods and the temptation of stopping at fast food places on the roadtrip. I'm still marvelling that I haven't eaten in a fast food place for over a year. Wow. Blah blah...don't want to write about all that.
Yesterday I temped at City Hall. I was really upset that the inside of the building is rather drab and depressing and seemingly half-finished. The architecture of the building is so bizarre and different...I had hoped that the interior would be something to gawk at as well. Instead it was weird concrete, exposed wires (in a very unattractive way...not something cool and industrial). It was just plain depressing and sterile. Very much like the workings of government I suppose. How ironic. The mayor also hates voicemail. He wants people to be able to reach a live voice, which I commend. On the other hand, what a pain in the ass it is to have the secretary answering all the calls for you. I can't believe that they aren't at least given the option to have the secretary forward to the voicemail.
And why is it that when I am temping that the really creepy geeky men are the ones that hit on me? I mean, I like to be flattered as much as the next woman, but come on! My friend Neil is right. In most cases, I am a freak magnet. I manage to attract weirdos to me like flies. Sigh.
My kitty missed me. He is following me everywhere, very needy. I think he's scared I'll leave again.
Thinking of going back to school maybe. I forgot to put an egg in my raspberry bread pudding today and I'll have to start it over. Frenchie downstairs has the worst smokers cough. My landlady is a anal retentive clueless old bat. I'm homesick. I hate temping. I can't wait for Enterprise.
4:28 PM | link | up| archives |
9.4.2001
she's back!
And a bit tired but good. The trip went well. The boyfriend has decided that he likes driving my car and so he drove the entire 1400 miles and I got to hang out in the passenger sit and change the CDs and do the navigation. Was only ten hours to Pittsburgh...no clue how slow Joanie drives! We made it there in record time, had a really nice dinner with Nicole at the Church Brew Works. Saw Heidi and Eddy in the morning and we wandered around doing touristy things like the Monongahela Incline. Heidi, blissfully, had ice cream on hand as we were walking up to the trains. We discovered what a revolutionary first aid item that ice cream can be! :-)
The wedding was gorgeous. I bawled like a baby when Joanie came down the aisle. She was radiant and the whole evening went very well. The church she had it in was gorgeous...and it was a Presbyterian ceremony so it felt familiar. It was the first time in a long time that I had heard the Lord's prayer said in the way that I had learned as a child (forgiving debtors instead of trespassers). The reception was beautiful as well. They had a very tasty dinner with a soup that I can't wait for Joanie to come back from Belize to tell me what it was. We couldn't figure out if it was fish or chicken...but it was yummmmy. Both Joanie and Mike were so happy. They looked to be having such a wonderful time. It was such a wonderfully fulfilling thing to see them married and deliriously happy.
The boyfriend and I got up early and headed up the road to Niagara Falls. Stopped at the duty-free for champagne and wine and then headed to the hotel...the Marriott Fallsview on the Canadian side. WOW. The view was amazing. The bed was extraordinarly cozy and the whirlpool bath much needed after a full weekend. I can't wait to get my pictures developed and see how the pics of the view from the room turned out. Did some of the touristy things...it was like a circus there, but a very fun one. Went to the Ripley's Believe it or Not Museum, The Haunted House (which did get me screaming) and the Criminals Hall of Fame Wax Museum (wonderfully cheesy). Best of all though was theJourney Behind the Falls, which left us both soaking wet. We didn't have enough time there though. :( We want to go back sometime and spend a few days at Niagara and then a few days in Toronto.
Oh, Neil, I waved at a very dilapidated looking (at least the parts we saw from the highway heading toward the Peace Bridge) Buffalo, for you!
Stopped over last night and visited with the boyfriend's parents, something I find that I always look forward to. His mom is great...and she cooks up a marvelous feast. Mmmmm yum.
And so I am home again, with an angry kitty and with bags to unpack and my little messy life swirling back around me once more. Didja miss me?
4:46 PM | link | up| archives |
