4.29.2001
let's talk about the weather
I'm serious! The weather, is, without a doubt, the most universal conversation topic that we have. Weather.com is one of the most viewed Internet sites in the entire world with something insane like 7 million users visiting a day. The weather affects our moods, our travel times, our outdoor and sometimes, indoor, activities. It dictates what we will wear and how we plan our days. When there isn't anything else to talk about, we bring up the weather. Then again, even when there is a lot to talk about, we bring up the weather. No matter where you are in the world, you can tell me what the weather is like in your neck of the woods. While it is sunny and gorgeous and butt cold 47 degrees here (beautiful but chilly for the baseball game that Joanie and I are seeing today ~Boston Men's baseball league...going to see the Boston Cubs play Cambridge), it could be snowing in Canada, blistering hot in Texas or hailing some remote part of China.
Some people have never seen snow. Some rarely see rain. When I lived in Southern CA, it rained maybe twice during the summer I was there...and it wasn't what I would call rain...it was more of a mist that occurred...but even that cause pileups on the freeway and caused Disneyland to contemplate closing for the day. When it snows in Seattle, the city has no idea what to do. The city's 16 or so snowplows are suddenly overloaded trying to clean up the town.
We are fascinated by weather. We watch, mystified, as we see reports of floods, of lightning strikes, of hurricanes and snowstorms in other parts of the country. Over and over we feel the awe of nature and day after day it continues to affect and fascinate us.
I've got this great little application installed on my desktop called Weatherbug (word to the wise, when you install it, don't install the annoying shopping app called Gator...just install the weatherbug). It's a small program that keeps the temperature in my area on my task bar, alerts me to weather warnings and gives me a full forecast for the day and the week. I find that I really depend on it, much as some people depend on calling the weather service to get their report or turning on the morning news so that they can find out what to wear that day.
Today it's a spring sweater and a jacket and a baseball hat for a now defunct dot.com. Sunglasses so I can see the ball fly out far into the bright sun. Jeans because it's still too cold for shorts. And a smile because there isn't a single cloud in the sky.
8:57 AM | link | up| archives |
4.25.2001
picture this
Me, in the kitchen with the blender, making a watery mixture for clafouti, a berry cake. I stop, slice up the yummy strawberries and place them carefully in the bottom of the pie plate and layer them with huge blackberries. I then proceed to start the blender, not realizing that I have taken off the lid already. Batter sprays everywhere, all over the counter but mostly dousing the coffeemaker in sloppy mess, sigh.
I am a clutz...but it was entertaining at the least. Times when you wish you could blunder alone, eh?
7:31 PM | link | up| archives |
4.24.2001
she's right
This coming from Paulette, who rightly scolded me for my post from a few days ago (thanks, I needed it *grin*) and thought it was worth posting here. My dear friend Michael, who I may meet for coffee today, could stand to read this, as well.
Happy Belated Nicole...I'll be calling you tonight to chat and commiserate on the woes and delights of turning 30 yesterday! :-)
THE AWAKENING
A time comes in your life when you finally get it.......when, in the midst of all your fears and insanity, you stop dead in your tracks and somewhere the voice inside your head cries out - ENOUGH!
Enough fighting and crying or struggling to hold on. And, like a child quieting down after a blind tantrum, your sobs begin to subside, you shudder once or twice, you blink back your tears and begin to look at the world through new eyes. This is your awakening.
You come to terms with the fact that you are neither Prince Charming or Cinderella and that in the real world there aren't always fairy tale endings (or beginnings for that matter) and that any guarantee of "happily ever after" must begin with you and in the process, a sense of serenity is born of acceptance.
You awaken to the fact that you are not perfect and that not everyone will always love, appreciate or approve of who or what you are ... and that's OK. They are entitled to their own views and opinions. And you learn the importance of loving and championing yourself...and in the process a sense of new found confidence is born of self-approval.
You stop complaining and blaming other people for the things they did to you (or didn't do for you) and you learn that the only thing you can really count on is the unexpected. You learn that people don't always say what they mean or mean what they say and that not everyone will always be there for you.
So, you learn to stand on your own and to take care of yourself and in the process, a sense of safety and security is born of self-reliance.
You stop judging and pointing fingers and you begin to accept people as they are and to overlook their shortcomings and human frailties.. and in the process a sense of peace and contentment is born of forgiveness.
You realize that much of the way you view yourself, and the world around you, is as a result of all the messages and opinions that have been ingrained into your psyche. And you begin to sift through all the junk you've been fed about how you should behave, how you should look, how much you should weigh, what you should wear, what you should do for a living, how much money you should
make, what you should drive, how and where you should live, whom you should marry, the importance of who you love, and what you owe your family, and friends. You learn to open up to new worlds and different points of view. And you begin reassessing and redefining who you are and what you really stand for.
You learn the difference between wanting and needing, and you begin to discard the doctrines and values you've outgrown, or should never have bought into to begin with and in the process, you learn to go with your instincts.
You learn that it is truly in giving that we receive. And that there is power and glory in creating and contributing, and you stop maneuvering through life merely as a "consumer" looking for your next fix. You learn that principles such as honesty and integrity are not the outdated ideals of a bygone era but the mortar that holds together the foundation upon which you must build a life.
You learn that you don't know everything, it's not your job to save the world and that you can't teach a pig to sing. You learn to distinguish between guilt and responsibility and the importance of setting boundaries and learning to say NO.
You learn that the only cross to bear is the one you choose to carry and that martyrs get burned at the stake.
Then you learn about love: How to love, how much to give in love, when to stop giving, and when to walk away. You learn to look at relationships as they really are and not as you would have them be. You stop trying to control people, situations and outcomes. And you learn that alone does not mean lonely. You also stop working so hard at putting your feelings aside, smoothing things over and ignoring your needs. You come to the realization that you deserve to be treated with love, kindness, sensitivity and respect and you won't settle for less.
You learn that being tired fuels doubt, fear, and uncertainty and so you take more time to rest. And, just as food fuels the body, laughter fuels our soul. So you take more time to laugh and to play. You learn that, for the most part, you get in life what you believe you deserve... and that much of life truly is a self-fulfilling prophecy.
You learn that anything worth achieving is worth working for and that wishing for something to happen is different than working toward making it happen. More importantly, you learn that in order to achieve success you need direction, discipline and perseverance. You also learn that no one can do it all alone... and that it's OK to risk asking for help.
You learn the only thing you must truly fear is the greatest robber baron of all: FEAR itself. You learn to step right into and through your fears because you know that whatever happens, you can handle it and to give in to fear is to give away the right to live life on your own terms. And you learn to fight for your life and not to squander it living under a cloud of impending doom.
You learn that life isn't always fair, you don't always get what you think you deserve and that sometimes bad things happen to unsuspecting, good people. On these occasions you learn not to personalize things. You learn that God isn't punishing you or failing to answer your prayers. It's just life happening.
And you learn to deal with evil in its most primal state - the ego. You learn that negative feelings such as anger, envy and resentment must be understood and redirected or they will suffocate the life out of you and poison the universe that surrounds you.
You learn to admit when you are wrong and to build bridges instead of walls. You learn to be thankful and to take comfort in many of the simple things we take for granted, things that millions of people upon the earth can only dream about: a full refrigerator, clean running water, a soft warm bed, a long hot shower....and real friends.
Slowly, you begin to take responsibility for yourself by yourself and you make yourself a promise to never betray yourself and to never, ever settle for less than your heart's desire. And you hang a wind chime outside your window so you can listen to the wind. And you make it a point to keep smiling, to keep trusting, and to stay open to every wonderful possibility.
Finally, with courage in your heart and faith by your side you take a stand, you take a deep breath, and you begin to design the life you want to live as best you can.
~ Author Unknown
11:31 AM | link | up| archives |
4.22.2001
apology
Wow. I have been in a serious serious funk. I have been moving through my life in a strange sort of oblivion, just getting through day by day apparently. Last night, while out for the first time in awhile, I realized something while, funny enough, in the bathroom at the Good Life where we stopped in to watch the jazz. I forgot Michael's birthday. One of my closest friends and it just slipped out of my head and went away. And I didn't forget it by a few days...I forgot it by a MONTH AND A HALF. I feel so very awful, not even a happy birthday out of my mouth for him. He was amazingly gracious about it, never once mentioning it, never even alluding to it, and being extra supportive during a frustrating time for me. Thank you for that and please know that under other circumstances, I would normally never forget. Happy Happy belated birthday my dear friend.
I felt so terrible that I had dreams last night that I forgot three other people's birthdays as well. I woke up wracking my brains to see who has one coming upNiki has one this week (ack! which day?), my friend Stephanie and my friend Anne...probably all within a day of each other. Sigh. My poor poor brain is falling apart, clearly.
9:55 AM | link | up| archives |
4.21.2001
blogvoices
in commenting on one of niki's posts, I discovered that blogvoices is no longer showing comment counts on the discussion links. So funny enough, I have to go back through all my blogs and see who has commented. No wonder no discussions have emerged, sigh. I was hoping I could switch over to dotcomments but my server doesn't support PHP, sigh. Not showing number of comments makes the feature half useless in my opinion.
1:35 PM | link | up| archives |
my family
drives me crazy, but at the same time I really miss them. I fought with my mother last weekend, for an hour or so, in tears (with neighbors overhearing I'm sure), because she and my father are both, still--after a year, unsure how to handle me being divorced. It wasn't a shock to them, I had been talking about needing to leave the relationship for nearly two years prior to my finally deciding to go. They just really liked my ex, I think, and they felt that we could have "worked it out" as they have worked out their huge differences over the last 35 years. I was exasperated...why do they have such a hard time with me moving on in my life? Why does my leaving a very unhappy marriage and starting over disappoint them so much? Sure, I don't have a job, but in my personal life, I am completely and truly happy, fulfilled and feeling good about me and my future in a way that I haven't been in years...or perhaps, ever. When I try to share this happiness with them they become sort of cold, quiet. Neither of them know what to say or do. It makes me pull away and not want to talk with them at all.
And then I end up feeling disconnected, sad. I want to call but that stubborn streak in me won't let me. I have been reaching out, trying to share my life and they are the ones pulling away. My mother tells me that since I have moved to the East coast, she feels like she has "lost" me. Nevermind the fact that I see her just as much now as when I did when I lived much closer in Seattle. I certainly write and talk on the phone with them a hell of a lot more than I did then. I had saved money last year to bring both of them here to visit but my father went and used up all his vacation so I didn't bother. Sigh. So exasperating.
The only thing that really makes me feel very very sad about living here is that I really regret not being able to see my sister and my little two year old nephew and her expected son (in June). I find myself yearning to see them grow up and being so far away is hard. I hear the love in my father's voice when he talks about his grandson and how excited little Cameron is to see him and I find myself a little jealous. I want him to run to me that way I suppose. And no, its not my own internal clock ticking...I still find myself very unsure about having children. I love kids, but I don't know if I want them to be my own or not. In some ways the fantasy of having a child is fun, but then I think about the stifling responsibility...the losing my life in ways that I feel like I am not ready for.
I went with my friend to his brother's for Easter dinner last weekend. They have a little child who is about 9 months old or so. His wife was talking about their travels to Europe rather wistfully...and made reference to the fact that she won't ever go again. She felt that when she had the child that her life was in so many ways over...and they waited till she was 40ish to even have the baby because she wanted to be ready for that stage in her life. She said it in such a way that she really believed it, that her life as she knew it was gone. Don't get me wrong, she is happy with her beautiful boy and her husband and the cute house, but she really felt her life is different and that she had to give up so much of herself.
And that...is what I am so afraid of. I look at my life and wonder what have I accomplished? I have so desperately, my whole life, wanted to travel to Europe and I have never gone. I am jobless in the center of a career that I find myself often unsure about. I'm divorced at 30. I have no savings. I want to make something of myself and I don't know how soon that will be...and the thought of having a child and settling, scares me. I'm not talking about settling down...I'm talking about giving up bits of myself that I don't want to give up. I did that for seven years of my marriage, where I compromised so much of myself that I lost sight of myself.
So I wonder then, maybe my parents DO have so much to be disappointed in me for. Yeah yeah that is crazy, I suppose, but then again, Misty has had the babies that they so much want...the grandchildren they used to hope for from me in my marriage. I haven't even managed to accomplish the career...instead I'm hanging by the skin of my teeth to the bi-weekly unemployment check. I haven't traveled, I haven't got a whole log book that shouts to the world "I have done things of importance in my life!" They feel like I failed in my marriage, and while I know that is definitely not the truth, it shows in how they are to me. Very disheartening Mom and Dad, thanks.
My mom says that I have to do what I need in my life that I feel is right for me even if they don't agree. Which I do and have always done, but their blatant disappointment is hard for me to ignore.
Tonight though, I am going to Dali, the restaraunt where I fell in love over a bowl of garlic soup, surprisingly enough.
1:15 PM | link | up| archives |
4.17.2001
sad news
Joey Ramone passed away Easter sunday from complications of lymphoma. Very sad...one of the fathers of punk music, he really shaped the memories of many of my generation. One summer in particular during the early 80s was filled with driving around in my friends' baby blue volkswagen bug, shouting the lyrics to Rock and Roll High School, Sheena was a Punk Rocker, and I Wanna Be Sedated. I saw them way back in 1996, finally, probably one of the last shows they played, at Bumbershoot in Seattle. I went with my oldest friend, Stephanie, who surprised me in that she wanted to go see them...she never seemed like the type that would like them (really straight laced, liking Whitney Houston type of music), but she did.
Its funny how that makes me feel old. I was walking through Harvard Yard yesterday and saw a flyer for an 80s dance. I realized that its been EIGHT years since I graduated from college. I'm going to be 30 this year. I've been married and divorced. My sister is having her second child this summer. And now, the father of punk rock, of most of the music that shaped my growing up, has passed on. It feels so strange. I thought I would be at a particular place in my life by now, settled, I suppose, with a career path that was strong and steady...and well, I guess that I have had all that and then its just been turned upside down for a bit.
Its not entirely unsettled though. Just the job stuff. Which will, hopefully turn itself around. Any marketing manager jobs out there...give me a holler. Not interested in sales or biz dev, but thanks to those of you who have sent those types of opportunities in my direction. I don't want the hassle of dealing with commissions and quotas and territories and all that jazz. Just give me a product or a business to promote and I'll kick some butt.
Even though I am nearly 30 and my body is falling apart. ;-)
12:50 PM | link | up| archives |
4.13.2001
swirling
around in my brain is a lot of stuff. Just stuff. Like:
1. Thanks Michael for filing the extension on my taxes for me and for helping my friend today on his taxes.
2. Kozmo is dead!!!! The site has been down for two days, rumors on FuckedCompany abound and now, the dilemma...should I keep my rented copy of The Virgin Suicides or should I turn it in? And what on EARTH will I do without them? Actually walk to the store??
3. Thanks to Waferbaby, I found that Hitchhikers Guide to the Galaxy, one of my favorite high school games, can now be played on the Net. Woohooo! Check it out. God I played this for hours. Just like in the early 80s when I discovered Zork. I bought the Zork anniversary collection a year ago or so...all five of the Zork games, but my favorite are still the oldest interactive fiction versions. I found out you can download Zork I if you go here.
4. Should I change my site or not change my site? If I change my site, it would mean a massive overhaul...because I would be using part of it as a portfolio in my jobhunt. It will also mean that I have to go back through my site and do a big censoring...removing bits about my political and sexual views, my rants about the job market, etc. I am loathe to do that, yet I am faced with a dilemma of going 2.5 months and no job. With the help of an old EZ colleague I've revamped my resume, for hopefully better results. Posting of the new version commences next week.
5. I'm re-reading Lord of the Rings...in great anticipation of the movie coming out at Christmas time.
6. Saddened by the lack of colored Easter eggs, marshmallow bunnies and the like in my mundane little moneyless life. I wish I was able to see my nephew on his first real Easter...he's old enough now to hunt for eggs. Unsure about Easter plans. My mom is convinced that my not going to church will lead me on the straight path to somewhere hot. I won't tell her that painting eggs and easter lilies are all part of pagan rituals that the Catholic church absorbed to convert the unbelievers hundreds of years ago.
7. Feeling antsy about not writing anything in a long while. Its eating at me.
8. Neck problems...soreness, reminiscent of my car accident nearly 6 years ago now.
9. Almost over my cold. I lost my voice last week. Its nice not having to call in sick for work...the extra sleep I get is so good for me when I am so under the weather.
10. I am mentally kicking myself for not writing Greg in China...to find out how he is or isn't affected by things going on there. To see what his perspective is and how the Chinese feel about America. He says the government supresses information to the people and that they are experts in rallying them against Americans.
11. I feel sort of lost. What do I want in my life? What sort of career do I really want? Where do I want to be in ten years? Why do I feel so stopped, so out of sorts. I want to find balance. My personal relationships are what is holding me together in so many ways--that is the area of my life in which I feel complete, whole, assured. In times of great uncertainty, it is good, I think to be in love. It really does conquer all.
4:28 PM | link | up| archives |
4.11.2001
lemon
So booze was made today. Limoncello (or Lemoncello), a lemon flavored vodka liquer. Actually, it wasn't made today, it was finished today. The concoction was sitting quietly, fermenting in my pantry for the last few months. Today, it came out of the closet and was strained to perfection. Several bottles are in the pantry now and one, in the freezer, for consumption soon. I've never made booze before. My grandmother always had a bottle of Everclear in her closet (for those of you who don't live in Montana, where it is still legal, it is 190 proof grain alcohol) to make Kahlua...she had a recipe and she just never got around to doing it. I should ask my grandfather for the bottle, which I'm sure is still there, to make it for her. For years she talked about making it and she never did, sigh. She passed away last spring and as I mentioned, I am confident that bottle is still there in her closet.
It wasn't my idea to make the booze...me think of making booze? I'm a lush, but I'm far too lazy for that. So the recipe was found and the lemons were bought and my pantry has been the home of a big tea jar of lemons soaking in vodka for the last few months. The smell when we pulled it out today was magnificent....sweet lemons, reminiscent of summer and popsicles and childhood. I can't wait to taste it, later, when it is cold...
7:17 PM | link | up| archives |
4.10.2001
once again, I DO NOT SPEAK PORTUGUESE
but the letters still pour in from that stupid award that I won from that Brazilian Webcam site months ago. A few days ago it was a cheesy poem on a awful fishy backdrop that I couldn't read. Today something from someone named "Nuno" that writes me yet more unfathomable words.
I don't understand. Does it LOOK like my site has anything to do with me speaking a foreign language and wanting to meet foreign men? NO. I don't want to meet men through my site. If I did, I would create some wild personal ad and plaster it on my front page. But there is no need for that. I have a man, I am content and I am telling you all , once more, that if I cannot read the letter you send me, I will TRASH it.
7:36 PM | link | up| archives |
4.6.2001
some more forgotten
English.
hurple: 1. To shrug up the neck and creep along the streets with a shivering sensation of cold, as an ill-clad person may do on a winter's morning. ~ C. Clough Robinson's Dialect of Leeds, 1862 2. To stick up the back, as cattle under a hedge in cold weather. ~ William Marshall's Cleveland Glossary, 1788.
4:16 PM | link | up| archives |
4.4.2001
watching our simian leader today
all tight lipped and moronic looking...talking about the relations with China, which scare me because one of my bestest friends is over there living now...
made me laugh all the more when my friend sent me this joke:
George W. was having difficulty sleeping in the White House and one night as he tossed and turned, the ghost of George Washington appeared to him. Welcoming the chance to communicate with the Father of our Country, W asked him. "President Washington, what is the best thing I can do to help the nation?"
Washington's ghost thought for a while and then answered, "Set an honest and honorable example, just as I did."
W. continued to toss and turn and a couple hours later, the ghost of Thomas Jefferson appeared to him and W. asked the same question.
The ghost of Jefferson replied, "Cut taxes and reduce the size of the government," W. thought that this was great advice and rolled over and tried to get to sleep, but still couldn't doze off.
Finally, about 3 a.m. the ghost of Abraham Lincoln appeared and W. asked him what he could best do to help the nation.
The tall, bearded form replied, "Go see a play."
1:11 AM | link | up| archives |
4.3.2001
just when
I think it can't get worse...I get sick! Rapidly sick, over the course of a few hours. Last night around 7pm, I could feel my glands starting to swell. By 8pm my throat was scratchy. By 11pm it was on fire. I could barely breathe all night long. Still sore today and the antehistimines have helped but still...what is up with that? I did have a massive headache all afternoon yesterday but I attributed it to stress, not illness. I was wrong.
So now, I'm thinking that the gargling with warm salt water might help, much as I hate to resort to that foul mixture. I think I'll make soup tonight for dinner...hopefully I will be able to taste it.
Funny how cats and dogs don't get sick very much. I mean, not like we humans. When I got my little Romeo, he had a cold. Cats don't eat or drink water when they are ill because they can't smell at all. I remember taking an eyedropper and giving my little kitty water because it was the only way to drink. He finally got better and for the last seven years he's been happy and healthy. Me? I have endured countless colds, flus and the like since that time.
My tonsils feel like baseballs, sigh. I was one of those kids that were first opted NOT to have them taken out. So I have them, intact, to plague me everytime I get sick.
Okay. I'll stop now, this whining. I'm such a pitiful mess these days, huh?
1:38 PM | link | up| archives |
4.2.2001
might be mushy
but it made me feel better. Been down and feeling crappy lately and needed a boost. My aunt sent me this today. Maybe not all of it is true, but perhaps it is.
Facts of Life
1. At least 5 people in this world, love you so much they would die for you.
2. At least 15 people in this world love you, in some way.
3. The one main reason anyone would ever hate you, is because they want to be just like you.
4. A smile from you, can bring happiness to anyone, even if they don't like you.
5. Every night, SOMEONE thinks about you before they go to sleep.
6. You mean the world to someone.
7. Without you, someone may not be living.
8. You are special and unique, in your own way.
9. Someone that you don't know even exists, loves you.
10. When you make the biggest mistake ever, something good comes from it.
11. When you think the world has turned it's back on you, take a look, you most likely turned your back on the world.
12. When you think you have no chance at getting what you want, you probably won't get it, but if you believe in yourself, you probably sooner or later will get it.
13. Always remember complements you received, forget about the rude remarks.
14. Always tell someone how you feel about them, you will feel much better when they know.
15. If you have a great friend, take the time to let them know that they are great.
6:50 PM | link | up| archives |
