10.31.2000
voyeurism
I have a lot of people who are amazed that I have a Web site like I do...where I journal, have a cam, talk a lot about my life and my friends, share my words, etc. "I can't believe how much of yourself you put out there for the entire world to see," they say, almost in those exact words. The thing is, what is on my site is so very little of myself...it's a mere sliver, a glimpse into me and who I am. The site is quite sanitized...there are people in my life that might be adversely affected by the things I might candidly write...that could be hurt or shocked by the words I might say. My parents have this URL for example. I don't want to give my mother a coronary before her time.
There are people who are a lot more "out there" on the web than me. After weeks of faithfully viewing the free webcam (courtesy of a major new influence on my life) on collegecouple.cam, I signed up last night, succumbing to the allure of being a voyeur and contributing to what must be extremely fat pocketbooks of two college kids in Austin, TX. $19.95 a month for a basic membership is pretty damn hefty (a full VIP membership with twelve cams in the house vs. four cams is an ADDITIONAL $19.95). But is it worth it? For a little while, I think there will be some amusement from the membership...and amazement. Last night, the first night of membership, found me and my cohort in crime (who, incidentally, is convincing me to upgrade to VIP) in the chat room, talking it up with Audrey and Nick, the college couple under the microscope. And the amazement? This is a perfectly normal couple...well, in the sense that there is a "norm" for couples. They are just leading their lives and letting the cams capture it...people are paying them a bunch of cash to do this. And yes, while the allure of watching them make love on cam is pretty interesting, it's more interesting because they aren't porn stars really. They are in school, they have friends, they do normal things like make dinner together and get ready in the morning, they cuddle, they fight, they laugh. They are "real" and we are all fascinated by other people, by real people. Fantasy is interesting, but when you see reality, you can connect with it, feel emotion, care about the people involved. That's why movies about true stories tend to do so much better than fictional plots. People want to watch other people feel like they do...or watch and yearn to feel as though the other "real" people do...it gives us hope in our own lives or perspective about what we have...what we aspire to, what we can currently appreciate, and what we take for granted.
And so, the new obsession is a very voyeuristic one, which is funny because at the same time, here on my site, I'm sort of an exhibitionist, sharing a lot of me with unknown people...and yet I am interested in learning just as much about those unknown people as they are in me. Sure...I'm not taking off my clothes for the world, but it is a step out there. I have a girlfriend who feels really uncomfortable if I even mention her at all on the site...even if I don't use her name, but if I gave away any little bit that might allow people to guess who she is. In her eyes, I'm really exposing myself and she is uncomfortable being part of that exposure. I can completely understand and respect that...and it's interesting to me, how people view the Net, how they view their privacy, how shyness creeps in, or where being a voyeur is interesting but not being the exhibtionist. Serious psychology studies should be done on the effect that the Net has on our openness toward the world.
But in the meantime, Audrey and Nick are very interesting and entertaining...go check them out at www.collegecouplecam.com. You can see their free webcam, which, unlike a lot of them, does actually show them on cam during the days. Then, the allure will just plain sucker you in...and you will succumb...just like I did...
12:00 PM | link | up| archives |
10.28.2000
i like to frolic
My downstairs neighbors are kitten sitting and had to go out of town for the weekend. So I'm kitten sitting the cat they were supposed to be sitting. She's an adorable little calico, about six months old, as playful as can be. She can't even really meow yet...just sort of squeak and her little playful grunts are so endearing. She loves to play with my hand, wrapping around it and sinking her claws and teeth into my supple skin. Her teeth never break the surface, but damn those claws are wicked.
Playing is a trait that is only inherent to mammals and birds. Encyclopedia Britannica says this about play: in zoology, behaviour performed in the absence of normal stimuli or behaviour elicited by normal stimuli but not followed to the completion of the ritualized behaviour pattern. Play has been documented only among mammals and birds. Play is common among immature animals, apparently part of the process of learning adult behaviour. Much of the play of kittens and other young predators serves to develop hunting skills. The movements of a kitten following a ball or string prepare the animal for stalking prey; likewise leaping and jumping in play are preparation for springing after a bird in flight.
Adult animals also engage in play. Horses, cattle, and other hooved mammals sometimes run, chase each other, and kick up their heels for no obvious reason. Dogs have postural signals of mock aggression used to entice others into play fighting. In play all the elements of ritualized behaviour may be present, but they do not follow the pattern or sequence necessary to communicate serious intent.
Curious how that is...that animals and humans play...it is a way to feel happiness, excitement, joy, love. Laughter is often an inherent part of play. I have been laughing a lot these last few days and I feel better, both in my body and soul. Laugher therapist Annette Goodheart (now there is an apropos name if I ever heard it) says that the following are reasons to laugh:
~It strengthens your immune system.
~It makes your cheeks sore.
~It actually increases your intellectual performance and boosts information retention.
She lists other reasons at her site, one of which is that you can develop abdominal muscles of steel. I have been laughing a lot lately...sometimes hysterical, almost pee my pants sort of laughter. One of the wonderful side effects is that my upper abdomen muscles are becoming tighter. It is always those very natural sorts of things that bring us the best benefits, right?
As we get older, we don't play in the same way, if at all. You don't find that many adults stomping in puddles, building forts or playing kick the can. We tend to lose ourselves in books or television instead. Then again, perhaps we just morph the way we play...now we have video games, dungeons & dragons, board games, paint ball, scooters (on which adults just look plain ridiculous, imho). We visit comedy clubs and watch movies and sitcoms to make us laugh. We don't laugh with each other in the way that we did as children. When was the last time that you can say you found yourself lost in a mountain of wild giggles? I would dare say that it isn't a daily occurence anymore.
I'm watching reruns of Saturday Night Live on Comedy Central. Not all the skits are funny, but some of them make me chuckle heartily. Still, it was not like watching Monty Python's Holy Grail yesterday at work (sort of a Halloween special). I love that movie...it's delightful in its ridiculousness, in the outrageous fun they make of themselves, of life, history, religion and people. You just can't beat the Black Knight for crazy laughter. Oh wait, maybe you can...the killer rabbit (Run Away!). And, to my wondrous delight...I found this little drinking game as a companion in such crazy hilarity.
4:21 PM | link | up| archives |
10.27.2000
scary
I love to watch people. I think that most people do...even if they don't realize it. We are fascinated by the way people are different from us, or perhaps the same as we are. Riding the subway and the bus is something that I really love...the exchanges between people are definitely some of my most interesting bits of fodder for some of my writing.
It's amazing how many crazy, unaware, vague imbeciles there are in this world. I am in such amazement sometimes at how people can come to the most innane conclusions about life, politics, work and the world. Tonight I sat and listened to an old guy on the bus who was ranting and raving about politics...about Gore and Nader and Bush. I thought he was just extremely misinformed and was just another boring, crusty republican until he started talking about how he used to advise Bush and he wouldn't advise the new president in the same way. He was talking as though he and George Bush had a regular rapport, and how he told Bush what to do on a few very private matters of concern. Then I realized that he was talking to a woman that smelled like "feet" as a friend of mine would say...she had strange, elongated, big lips and she looked like she had been outdoors for a very long time. This was not misinformed...he was bona fide cuckoo.
When I worked at Disneyland all those years ago, we used to say that guests would check their brains in at the gate. And most of them did...as though being in the happiest place on earth gave them license to suddenly turn idiot. I remember one time when I was doing crowd control for one of the attractions and a particular mother decided that it was okay to let her three children climb the nearby trees to see better. When I told her that was dangerous and that she would need to remove her kids from the foliage because we cannot absorb that liability at the park, she became very irate with me. She didn't understand how having her kids in an extremely flimsy tree twenty feet off the ground was unsafe. Duh.
People who work in retail stores get the brunt of the stupid people, I think...or at least they have the most interesting stories. My sister is a manager in the cosmetics department of a major department store, and my father is also a department store manager...both of them have great tales of people wanting to do or saying stupid things. Misty was telling me recently of a woman who tried to return half-used cosmetics to the store five months after purchase. When she refused to take them back, the woman called her a bitch and asked to see a higher manager, which Misty promptly went to get...and of course the woman was turned away. I mean really...how crazy desperate was that woman?
But the best story is one I heard a few days ago. I know a manager at a local liquor store and he has the most hilarious anecdotes about drunken idiots coming in for their vakkka and bud talls. The best story he told me was about a kid who stole some kalhua and shoved it down his pants. When they caught him at the door to the store and told him to fork it over and get out without consequence, the kid denied having the alcohol and bolted out the door, ran down the street and promptly ran SMACK into a huge burly cop, fell down backwards and broke the bottle in his pants...soaking him with both sticky kalhua, glass and blood...but then the kid, stupid as he was, decided to shit his pants as well... The cop was furious and made him sit there until the paddy wagon came because he refused to let the stinky, sticky, shitstained kid into his car. Turns out the kid had a record and this faux pas landed him in jail for a couple years. And to think...if he had just turned over the bottle, he would have had clean pants and been off scott free.
Can you spell I-D-I-0-T?
8:29 PM | link | up| archives |
10.26.2000
retrospect
I'm realizing that I left my last company at a very good time. I ran into a couple of previous clients this morning on my way to my current job and had an interesting conversation about how unhappy they are with their services. I heard through the grapevine about an old co-worker leaving last week (fired? laid off? quit?). I know at least 10 different people there who are actively seeking new positions somewhere else. Just a serious state of unrest at the old haunt. It seems so surreal...I remember when I started, feeling that rush of new challenges, experiencing the excitement of working at a successful startup, of meeting some of the brightest people that I had ever met...and now...those same bright people are on the verge of just walking out. It is wild.
Nothing is really static...it all changes, sometimes for the better but often in companies, especially startups, for the worst. The last three companies I've been in...all startups...have had significant challenges that resulted in a major turnover of talent. All of them were organizations that I was excited to work for but in the end, was jaded to the core.
I wonder if that will ever change for me. I'm so excited now with this new company...they seem so promising, so innovative and excited. They HAVE been around for two years already so that's a great thing. But they'll be growing fast over the next few months...being a part of that is both extremely exciting and at the same time, scary. But isn't that why entrepreneurs do what they do? It's the risk, it's the challenge, it's the pleasure of doing something different, new and with the potential of success. Most entrepreneurs are serial company starters...few of them do it just once, get burned and back off...they start again and again and again.
And here I am again, excited, hopeful and pleased to be with a new extremely bright group of people. I love the idea of trying to help this company make that excitement last both internally and externally.
5:16 PM | link | up| archives |
10.25.2000
halloween safety tips
So a dear friend sent this to me and I found myself nodding and agreeing so I am going to share these important tips with you as well:
OSHA has released the following Halloween safety guidelines:
1. When it appears that you have killed the monster, NEVER check to see if it's really dead.
2. Never read a book of demon summoning aloud, even as a joke.
3. Do not search the basement, especially if the power has gone out.
4. If your children speak to you in Latin or any other language which they should not know, shoot them immediately. It will save you a lot of grief in the long run. However, it will probably take several rounds to kill them, so be prepared. This also applies to kids who speak with somebody else's voice.
5. When you have the benefit of numbers, NEVER pair off and go it alone.
6. As a general rule, don't solve puzzles that open portals to Hell.
7. Never stand in, on, or above a grave, tomb, or crypt. This would apply to any other house of the dead as well.
8. If you're searching for something which caused a loud noise and find out that it's just the cat, GET THE HELL OUT!
9. If appliances start operating by themselves, do not check for short circuits; just get out!
10. Do not take ANYTHING from the dead.
11. If you find a town which looks deserted, there's probably a good reason for it. Don't stop and look around.
12. Don't fool with recombinant DNA technology unless you're sure you know what you're doing.
13. If you're running from the monster, expect to trip or fall down at least twice. Also note that, despite the fact that you are running and the monster is merely shambling along, it's still moving fast enough to catch up with you.
14. If your companions suddenly begin to exhibit uncharacteristic behavior such as hissing, fascination for blood, glowing eyes, increasing hairiness, and so on, kill them immediately.
15. Stay away from certain geographical locations, some of which are listed here: Amityville, Elm Street, Transylvania, Nilbog (you're in trouble if you recognize this one), the Bermuda Triangle, or any small town in Maine.
16. If your car runs out of gas at night on a lonely road, do not go to the nearby deserted looking house to phone for help. If you think that it is strange because you thought you had half of a tank, shoot yourself instead. You are going to die anyway, and most likely be eaten.
17. If you find that your house is built upon a cemetery, now is the time to move in with the in-laws. This applies to houses that had previous inhabitants who went mad or died in some horrible fashion, or had inhabitants who performed satanic practices in your house.
18. When trying to escape from a serial killer, never run UPstairs.
9:47 AM | link | up| archives |
10.24.2000
productivity
I was walking back from the Quincy Market (which, incidentally, was on fire this morning when I walked by...Finagle a Bagel was smoking) after lunch and I passed by a day care that's here in the North End. I was trying to figure out why the lights were turned off when I looked in the window and realized that there were all these little children with blankets and pillows asleep on the floor. Naptime! Do you remember naptime? I remember being in kindergarten and getting milk and cookies and then having to take a twenty-thirty minute nap afterward. I could never take naps when I was young. I was always afraid I was going to miss something.
And yet, when I sat in the little park just down the street to eat my lunch, I felt a pang of jealousy when I saw the businessman stretched out on a nearby parkbench in the sun, his shoes off and on the ground next to his feet. He was quite asleep and enjoying it, I am very sure. I wanted nothing more at that moment than to also be lying in the sun, somewhere preferably soft, with my eyes closed and the breeze just gently nudging me.
I think we Americans should take a tip from the Japanese and start implementing a naptime procedure. Companies should bring in cots and pillows and designate a nice dark office for the sole purpose of taking short dozes during the day. I know that even 15 minutes of my eyes closed can greatly refresh me and rejuvenate me for the rest of the day ahead.
But alas, we are in the days of longer working hours and a lot less sleep. I feel guilty if I am not in on time and if I don't stay late enough. Taking an hour for lunch is nearly unheard of in my office...not that we can't, just that no one really does. They're all consultants and it's all about time and money and billable hours and the like. Funny how, back in the fifties and sixties, they talked about how the advance of technology would allow us to work less and have more time for leisure and for our families. Rather ironic that since we have all these time saving devices and quick instant gratification devices that we take that time to work more rather than less. When I worked for GE Capital, they had a gift shop in their Stamford, CT office that allowed employees to rent movies and buy clothes...anything to keep the employee working longer. I saw a recent job requisition here at my company that said that client managers are expected to work 50-55 hours a week. I was sort of shocked by that. Most consultants work that anyway, but mostly of their own volition (hey, lots of geeky engineers in consulting companies, right?), not because a company expected or required that.
No wonder there is a movement to convince American companies that we, like our European counterparts, need four to six weeks of vacation a year. Did you know that the entire country of Denmark went on strike a year or so ago because five weeks of vacation wasn't enough? The strike was short-lived and quickly settled, giving up extra vacation to the workers. Of course it was short-lived, these were workers such as butchers, breadmakers, gas station attendents, market owners, and other service providers who refused to give up that precious personal time. The country literally couldn't function without them. American companies think they are being so generous when they offer three weeks of vacation to employees. But it does work. One of my oldest friends works at Pitney Bowes in Spokane, WA and has been there for nearly ten years. She has earned nearly 8 weeks of vacation and the thought of losing that time keeps her chained there although she is starting to hate the job and finds it less and less challenging as time goes on.
And we think we're so advanced.
2:59 PM | link | up| archives |
10.23.2000
tired
With a bottle of yummy cider in me that only made me sleepy. With warm fuzzy flannel pajamas on. With a half-cleaned pit of an apartment with rugs that still need vacuumed, sheets that still need changed and clothes that still need washed. And grumpy because Napster is going so slow and timing out on me. And a bit chilly because the heat hasn't kicked in yet. Sad that I haven't talked to Michael in weeks. Concerned about what part of the planet Greg might be in that he hasn't written. Also a little cranky because I haven't been writing like I should be. Dammit...it's only Monday, isn't it?
10:37 PM | link | up| archives |
10.22.2000
penguins
I saw a myriad of penguins today...both the furry birdie kind and the funny French (or were they Russian? chortle...it was sometimes hard to tell) nuns at the aquarium. They had the best damn hats though...oops damn was probably not the word to use to describe them. They were great though...the kind that the flying nun wore, the ones with the wings and the flaps.
And the cuttlefish...they are these strange squidlike creatures that look like they are wearing skirts. And the walnut jellies...these brilliant electric almost jellyfish. They were so beautiful, fragile and graceful.
And I got to see some wicked cool sculpture by a man who does amazing things with his hands.
The wedding was nice, great to see everyone as usual. The bride was radiant, the music suitably cheesy and Jack and I did a great rendition of a Grease medley...the sad thing was that I was entirely sober.
8:38 PM | link | up| archives |
10.21.2000
black velvet
and 73 degrees. at least it's sleeveless...webcam pic is up if you want to see top of the dress....I have a satin drape to wear with it. Oooo I love velvet. It's so sexy, so soft and slinky.
And I'm driving...so no imbibing. Pout. Why did they have to have the wedding in Concord?
2:17 PM | link | up| archives |
10.20.2000
going to the chapel
but NOT getting married...
My friend Heidi is tying the knot tomorrow with her sweet fiance, Brian. I'm driving Joanie and her boyfriend, and I have a feeling that I'm housing Jack for the evening. Soooo...lots going on.
I'm not really partial to weddings. Lots of bad memories for me but I also just hate how the weddings have turned into something that new families get to war over. Sooo much stress to start out a life together. At least the new parents don't get to take the bride and groom up to bed afterward anymore...and check the sheets in the morning for signs of a lost virginity. I suppose we traded one bit of barbarism for another. Now it's about money, it's about which tradition and which family gets their way. It's not always about the joining of two people in love.
But I do love to get dressed up and I have a new long velvet black gown to wear. Of course it is going to be 73 degrees tomorrow, but c'est la vie. It is an evening wedding and it is October. There is something sort of magical about dolling oneself up for an event. People just don't dress up very much anymore. Or if they do...grin...they're not inviting me.
8:52 PM | link | up| archives |
10.18.2000
slowwwwww
I am often told that I'm a pretty girl with a beautiful face and gorgeous eyes. Then again, I know that at least one or two dates have dropped me flat on my face upon meeting me and realizing that the voloptuous figure wasn't quite what they anticipated. Did I ever try to pass myself off as a Kate Moss? Do my pictures look that way? Those shallow men...it's their loss...and to be truthful, my gain...I might never have met some of the other people who have appreciated me and my body.
One of those people is someone that I've been spending quite a bit of time with these days and although my figure finds much appreciation in his eyes, he knows that I've been trying to work on feeling better about myself...becoming healthier. In that, he's been especially supportive and one of the things that he noticed right away is that I eat like there is never going to be food in front of me again...I devour my food...not really savoring in the way that I could and should. We set a goal for me to finish my food after he does...sounds a bit funny perhaps, but it does help me...I enjoy my food more, and have a better idea of when I am full.
And so I discovered a bit of synchronicity when I was reading Utne and there is an article about the Slow Food international movement. The movement started in Italy and now has members from all over the world...according to their site, the idea behind Slow Food is thus:
Slow Food is aimed at food and wine enthusiasts, those who do not want to lose the myriad of tastes in traditional foodstuffs from around the world, and those who share the snail's wise slowness.
The idea of savoring your food is the center of this movement and they are aimed at preserving the joyfulness of eating foods, avoiding preserved foods, fast food and to savor the food and drink we put into our bodies. The movement is gaining popularity and it's no wonder why. My friend doesn't eat preserved foods...he believes in savoring and enjoying...he has been teaching me more about wine and branching me out to new tastes. He's Italian and French and that upbringing really shows through in how he thinks about food and the way we should enjoy it. It's nice to be with someone who hates McDonald's, chain restaraunts, and won't be prone to helping me load up on the junk food at the grocery store. I definitely need good influences like him in my life.
Becoming a Slow Food member is definitely on the agenda...
11:28 PM | link | up| archives |
consumed
Not much posting and writing to the site these days I realize. Been pretty caught up in a few new things...primarily a new job and new romantic inclinations...I haven't completely fallen off the face of the earth. Just fallen into new, exciting sorts of things. My apartment has suffered...at some point I should actually think about cleaning it up...
I'm going to be an aunt again! My father didn't let Misty break the news to me, however, he couldn't contain his excitement. So I called my sister to find out the story. It turns out that it was also her husband's birthday, so wow...what a great present, huh? My best guess is that the baby will show up in April or May...she says she thinks she's a month along now. She's got her fingers crossed for a girl.
Wooooohoooooo!
11:34 AM | link | up| archives |
10.16.2000
first day was great!
Lots to think about. Not on too much overload just yet, but it's great to be back thinking about marketing again. I think I'm going to love this job...it's just me, I own the marketing department which is both scary and exciting at the same time. Big challenges and a lot of exciting opportunity to prove myself all over again. It's going to be great working in the North End. I love the energy that downtown provides...the hustle and bustle, the nearness to the ocean, the excitement of the city during the holiday season, the wonderful old buildings, the history, the wonderful food. I feel wonderfully poetic when I have a good walk to and from work in an interesting setting...the North End and Faneuil Hall areas definitely provide that. And the rain...fall is here. This weekend was a last great hurrah...
5:17 PM | link | up| archives |
10.15.2000
cape delights and more confusion
So if you are ever in West Dennis, stay at the Lighthouse Inn and make sure you get a water view. Wow. Absolutely stunning view, especially with the full moon. There were two wedding receptions taking place there and there was much amusement standing on the balcony drinking champagne and watching the randy, drunken bridesmaids on the deck below. P-town was full of women for the weekend...first time I have been there and barely seen any men at all. I still suck at mini-golf, but then, I knew that would be the case. Pastiche is a delightful restaraunt in Hyannis to eat at. Found more postcards...did lots of driving...learned about the stars...bunny watched...and lamented lots of flat squirrels on the road.
Things I do not understand:
~ How Massachusetts cops (doesn't matter what town) can get paid a gazillion dollars in overtime for standing around at construction sites but when there is true DANGEROUS and utter chaos at the Bourne Bridge rotary and traffic backed up for well over ten miles, there isn't a single damn cop in site.
~ Signs that say "Police take notice" this is a new england phenomenon...what on earth does a sign like that mean? does that mean that police will notice you doing things? is it a sign asking police to notice what is going on? fucking conundrum.
~ Mullets...you find them on greasy white trash guys and on lesbians...why is that?
~ Why a hotel would give you a king size bed that is actually two full size mattresses put together...leaving a crack down the center of the bed. Grrrrrrrrrr.
~ mini-fucking vans
and now my mind is cloudy and sleepy...
wish me luck tomorrow...first day of work. :)
11:26 PM | link | up| archives |
10.12.2000
accomplished
one hell of a productive little day for me, running errands, taking care of all sorts of things that needed to be done. I had lunch with two excoworkers from my last company and from Bowne and Open Sesame (we cubers tend to follow each other around). It was wonderful catching up with people from work, but wow, the unrest that is going on there. It's interesting...the whole services industry is really upside down right now. Shares of Razorfish, iXL, Viant, Scient are all down. Breakaway recently laid off 9% of their workforce. No wonder my old company is in a panic. They're slashing jobs just like the rest of them.
Last blog you get from me for awhile unless we manage to figure out connecting from the Cape. And Monday...wooohoooo...start the new job. It's so awesome to be walking in to a new, excited company. They sent me a jean shirt today with their logo on it.
Life is good.
4:54 PM | link | up| archives |
ex coworkers
pretty much make up my friendship base here on the East coast...I mean, since I didn't grow up here, there aren't as many people that I know through other people just yet, but that's changing.
Last night I hooked up with Keren, someone I worked with at the last company. We had a delightful meal in Charlestown...talking about work and life. It was good to catch up with her before she goes back to New York which is where she mostly lives.
Today is lunch with another close ex-coworker and afterward I'll go back to the old haunt, briefly, to say hi to all those people that I used to really enjoy working with. Sort of the last goodbye before I start work with the new job on Monday. Fourth job since I've been on this coast...seems so surreal that I've been here so long.
10:41 AM | link | up| archives |
10.11.2000
i'm so money
but damn, I wish I could FEEL better about money. I spent the entire afternoon today pouring over some paperwork that needed to be completed, paperwork that I have been putting off for months now, long after it should have been done. Most people assume that I have held of taking care of it for reasons that simply are not true. The truth of the matter is, there was a significant financial section that needed to be filled out and the entire thought of that was completely and entirely daunting to me. It's not rational, it is purely emotional.
Some of it has to do with my fear and dislike of numbers. I always hated math. I scored well on my ACT and SATs but math was a class that was a terrible struggle for me...the only class that I ever recieved below a B in and the only class that I actually flunked. As I've gotten older, I have really begun to wonder if I fight a little bit of dyslexia when it comes to numbers. I write them down wrong all the time, transposing numbers in ways that mess me up...telephone numbers are the worst. I have to listen to a voicemail three or four times sometimes in order to get the number written down right. I've even given out my own telephone number incorrectly before.
Money is also wrapped up in some serious emotional fear for me. As a teen, I watched my family struggle through some very difficult monetary hardships with my father having to declare bankruptcy on both a personal and business level. Even now, nearly fifteen years later, they are still trying to deal with the IRS who wants the back taxes paid...a huge chunk of money that my parents will probably never be able to come up with in their lifetime. I didn't have any strong role models as far as my money was concerned. My father, who is someone I admire more than anyone, is a visionary, but unfortunately, not the best businessman. He has always looked to make that million in his lifetime...over and over he's tried business deal after deal and each time he's knocked down, he gets right back up. From him I gained resilience but on the flip side of that, I gained a terror of money and how to deal with it. I am terrified of falling into the patterns that he has in his life concerning finances. The sad part about it is that the terror has basically not been a good thing...it's not something that has propelled me into creating habits that will prevent me from following those patterns...rather it's put me into a place of significant procrastination, pushing away and pretending that I am not affected by how I spend or not spend.
It's not a rational sort of thing, I know it isn't. And so many people (mostly men, to be truthful...other women seem to understand the emotional connection in a way that the men I know haven't) have just told me to buckle down, do it, clean up my financial life, and essentially to just quit being a baby about it and just take care of things. God I wish it were that easy. It takes some serious impetus for me to deal with money effectively. Thank god for online bill pay and debit cards...those inventions have literally saved my life, forcing me to not rely on credit, bouncing and floating checks and maneuvering my money around inappropriately. That and I'm fortunate to have a very well paying job that keeps me from really fucking my life up. But still...I make money that actually boots me out of the typical middle class range and yet I still live paycheck to paycheck...I have never really saved anything during my life...another result of poor money role models. I don't even remember having a piggy bank growing up to be honest...or if I did, it was merely to collect change. It wasn't a means to grow my money.
As I grow older the way I deal with money changes slowly over time and through the understanding of good people who can talk and walk me through things and who can calm me when I get really neurotic about it...when I start to completely freak out and feel crazy about money. I have a friend tells me that I'm one of the least neurotic people he knows...he hasn't seen me when I'm in panic mode about something so stupid like figuring out when I've been stretched too thin. It's pretty fucking neurotic. ;-)
The best bit of advice that anyone ever gave me a few years back and that in its simplicity has always calmed me a bit: It's just money...there will always be more. So simple it's silly and yet, it's the logic of it that somehow got to me when I most needed it and since that time, I've been a tiny bit calmer when in panic mode...a tiny bit...
5:30 PM | link | up| archives |
international stalkers
So my cam has been added into the ali!webcam! site. Now, I can't read a thing when I go there because it's all in Portuguese, but hey, now people in Brazil can check my pretty mug out.
9:17 AM | link | up| archives |
10.10.2000
child psychology
One of the several things that I need to do in the next two days is to write an essay about a negative environmental experience during my early childhood or teenage years. This isn't an easy task, I'm finding. It has to be place specific and in thinking back, I can't find too many negative experiences that were that effected by setting. I mean, there must be a few...certainly, but the thinking of what they are is rather difficult. I'm dealing with the ages of 10-15 and that time of my life was a relatively happy one. The only one that sort of comes to mind is the move from Spokane to Boise and the frustration and fear of starting at a new high school without knowing anyone. I had grown up with the same kids from first to ninth grade and then suddenly, as a sophomore, I was thrust into a very strange, scary new environment.
Were there other places or instances of my memory in which a negative experience took place during that span of childhood? I am not sure. I think it's pretty amazing and wonderful that I can look back at my childhood and see, over and over, how happy it was. In fact, it was the moving to Boise that disrupted my family life completely. And so, any imbalances I must have as an adult most surely came as a result of my tumultous teen and college years. So perhaps it is good that I start there. I'll be writing over the next day or so...look for the post in my me/historical section soon.
On the unrelated if-I-write-this-down-maybe-I'll-accomplish-it sort of note...I've got a few good tasks ahead of me this week, which includes filing some important paperwork, finally; reorganizing my CD collection; writing that essay; finalizing this weekend's Cape Cod plans; not fighting with Michael; scheduling and reading up on all the recent incoming information that came to me today before I start my new job on Monday. Wow...to start work again after such a hiatus...I find that I am both excited and dreading it. What a conundrum.
9:21 PM | link | up| archives |
rant
Things that are absolutely fucking nutty:
*the fact that I got ELEVEN catalogs in the mail today...dead serious. Everything from Eddie Bauer to the Pottery Barn to the Chicago Museum of Art...now how the hell I got on THAT mailing list is beyond me.
*that it apparently snowed for a minute up in Woburn today. I mean, I knew it was damn cold, but WOW.
*that suddenly in the last three days I am getting really literate, interesting, fascinating, long, rambly, random emails from several men I don't know reading my site. I read these letters and am boggled at what on earth is assumed or expected of me. I suppose that I set myself up for it...but it just kills me all the same. So this is the story for all you hopefuls: I am not looking for a boyfriend. I am not looking for a date.. So that's that. It is fascinating to me though...everyone assumes I put "so much" of myself up here on the Net. Those of you who know me know that is hardly the case...this winding twisting wordy thing that I put forth each day is just a small bit of me...a means for me to keep myself writing and to keep in touch with the world around me...of which I love to do, but not from the standpoint of seeing what sort of new relationships I can get into.
Referrer logs are an amazing thing...I mean, to see who stalks me on the everyday regular basis...pageviews...the hours spent on the site. Wow. I had no clue my life was THAT exciting.
5:36 PM | link | up| archives |
10.9.2000
top five
I just watched High Fidelity. It makes me feel like I should be coming up with a top five list of some sort...and so, I'll give you my top five all time songs....but know that these can change from mood to mood and moment to moment. This is the top five for now:
Peter Murphy ~ Marlene Deitrich's Favorite Poem
Dead Can Dance ~ Saltarello
The Cure ~ Just Like Heaven
Ravel ~ Pavane
Violent Femmes ~ Add It Up
Someday I'll give you my top five songs to make love to...chuckle.
I really enjoyed the movie...mostly it reminded me how much of an effect music has had on my life. From the time I was very young, I used to listen to my Dad's albums...he had things like Johnny Horton, Tijuana Brass, The Beatles and all sorts of great fifties and sixties music. As we got older it turned to Captain and Tennille, ABBA, the Steve Miller Band and other 70s favorites. I think my mom still has many of the eight tracks in the garage...I'm hoping to confiscate them from her someday. I remember having an eight track in the car and we would take our tapes and play them, making mom click the button for the next track if it was a song we didn't like so much.
By the time I was eight I knew all the popular songs on the radio. Stephanie and I used to have contests to see who could name them first...my favorite song when I was about that age was Ring my Bells. Love that disco! As I got older, it became an obsession with Duran Duran and other new wave bands...the Smiths, the Cure, Housemartins, Bolshoi, Soft Cell... I had the look and I loved to go to punk concerts with my friends. Do you know the kinds of gigs I'm talking about? The really bad loud noisy kind by bands who would play over and under aged places with names like Vampire Lezbos (Oh my...I discovered that they are STILL around...wow. I used to go see them in Spokane of all places) and the sort. I loved going to those...dressing all in black, being the batcaves we were, moshing to music we couldn't even begin to understand the lyrics to and going home smelling like a mixture of smoke and booze. Except I was a little angel in high school...didn't turn to a lush till I reached college. In college I was digging the radio scene...I lived it, breathed it, was the goddess of good old KWRS from 89-93. I met so many great bands during my time there and then when I went on to work at Virgin Records. For nearly six years I never bought a record (yep, still working off vinyl back then) or CD, always got my concert tickets and backstage passes for free and found my life rich with music in so many ways.
I've mellowed a bit with my old age...just a bit. Branched out more than anything, I think. I love classical music in a way that I never used to and I can find that a lot of new age and ambiant music are excellent writing companions. Even today, I would much rather have the stereo going than the TV. And with my 200 CD changer, I find that I am always surprised by something I haven't heard in awhile...then again, I have far too many CDs for that changer...and I'm in the midst of a reorganization project.
In the movie, Cusack's character has several monologues and in one, he talks about the art of creating a compilation tape for someone...funny, but now most people wouldn't be making tapes, but instead burning CDs. I always get an itch to do that from time to time...to throw a bunch of music together and share it with someone that I think might like it. I have a few of Donnie's great discotech tapes lying around somewhere. I have tapes that I made for old boyfriends and took back when it all ended...or tapes that boyfriends made me and that I didn't have the heart to chuck in the trash. Music, like poetry, can be intensely personal and moving. It expresses feelings, mood and desire. It can demonstrate heartache, anger, angst and sadness. It is, by its very nature, mood altering...it makes you want to dance, sing, create, get mentally lost. It carries with it memory or has the power to create memory.
Perhaps I was a bard in my former life. My love of music and poetry definitely go hand in hand...and while my alto voice is best used in a loud group, I am shaken and stirred by the lyrics, by the melody and by the way music enchants my spirit.
9:50 PM | link | up| archives |
sniff sniff
Looks like you will get to read Diane Ackerman's Natural History of the Senses with me rather vicariously. I find that I am fascinated by the things she writes. The book is full of interesting factoids and it jogs memory and creates contemplation within me. I'm still reading about the sense of smell (yeah yeah I'm reading slow these days...call me rather preoccupied). Smell is a fascinating thing...amazing how much it affects us and the way we work within the world. They have done rather interesting studies on pheremones that show that the reason women begin to cycle together when they live or work closely is correlated with a pheremone found in sweat. Other effects happen as well...men that are with a woman for a long enough period of time will find that their facial hair will begin to grow faster than it did before. Women who do not grow up around men (for example in boarding school) will reach puberty at a later date. Some pretty impactful things that our sense of smell affects.
Smell is a powerful sense. Yesterday, walking to my house after getting out of my friend's car, we tried to identify the smells in the air. "It smells like cheese, can you smell that?" I didn't. "Or garlic maybe," he went on. Then I realized I could smell bread. "It's the pizza place down the street," I confirmed. What I found fascinating was that he could pick out the very distinct smell of the cheese...even before the garlic or the bread. I have a great sense of smell but wouldn't have pulled out the smell of the cheese. We talk about smell a lot without even thinking about it...yesterday when leaving the B-Side diner you could get a whiff of the sewer and next thing you knew we were wise cracking away. Same when we crossed over a bridge coming back from Hampton Beach last week and it smelled oddly like manure. Then yesterday when we were walking around in Rockport, there was the most delightful smell of wood burning mixed with the fresh smell of fried clams. It was a delightful, warming smell...one that felt comfortable and sensual at the same time. We talked about those smells as well, reveling in how they made us feel to breathe them in.
Did you know that your sense of smell is heightened at higher altitudes and also right before a storm. Ackerman tells us that party-goers don't need to put on as much perfume if they are heading out into an evening upon which a storm will arrive because moisture heightens our sense of smell and because the barometric pressure affects the way that fluids spread through the air faster. Tell that to your grandma next time she is tempted to cake on the fragrance.
11:03 AM | link | up| archives |
10.8.2000
killer bunnies
The day found me in Rockport, with my friend pointing out a funky shop that led me to a rack of really wild postcards, mostly by the same German artist, Michael Sowa. They're all a bit surreal, as in the one here, with the crazed giant easter bunny type going after the man and girl that took its egg. It's hard to tell from the cards but it looks like they are done in oil. He paints a lot of animals doing human sorts of things. The other picture you see here is what I think is one of his more famous ones...the pic is a bit small here but basically it's a bunch of vegetable people. The pickles in the jar car is my favorite part.
Tomorrow starts the first day of the last week before the new job starts up. One last week of celebrated bliss. I sort of have always been a believer in a bit of destiny, fate or what have you. There are too many things that occur in my life that are far too strange or full of synchronicity to be chance. Losing my job the way I did is one example...it led to a lot of time off for me that I think I really needed in a way...it also led to an exciting new job opportunity that will be more challenging and more lucrative than staying in the old company. And it's rather funny that I tried to get my new company to let me start early...I wanted to start on the 9th but they told me that they couldn't get organized that early...and that starting on the 16th made the most sense. And funny enough, that time off has turned out to be incredibly important to me, invaluable in a way that I could not have anticipated. It has afforded me an opportunity to experience some new excitement and happiness that was entirely unexpected and leaves me feeling rather blithe and bonny ...hey nonny, nonny.
And so I find myself rambling, as always. It is a writing night, I think, for me. A bit of poesy is waiting for me to pen. I have inspiration...a sudden muse that leaves my thoughts whirling and wild...in a very very good way.
9:47 PM | link | up| archives |
10.7.2000
hiatus
is now over...having the site down sucked sucked sucked. But everything looks to finally be in order, including mail. Whew.
High recommend to go see Bjork's Dancer in the Dark if it comes to your town. Wow. It was rather slow moving at first and the camera angles take a bit to get used to but talk about a powerful movie. Very powerful. Catherine Deneuve and David Morse are also in the film. It was a musical, but how could you not have a movie with Bjork and not incorporate some of her extremely passionate and moving lyrics? The way they incorporated music into film was smooth and fluid...the characters didn't just suddenly burst out into song...it was put very much into the context of Selma's thoughts and feelings at a given time. I left the movie shaken, moved and oddly satiated. It's no wonder Bjork grabbed some awards. She wasn't even cute in this movie...and as my friend said, "how can Bjork not be cute? that's what she's all about?" And SelmaSongs is, of course, another bit of brilliance on her part...but go see the movie, you appreciate the music all that much more.
And my father was in an accident yesterday. I talked to my mom for ten minutes before she finally mentioned it. He was in a truck with a friend on their way up hunting when the guy just drove straight off the road over a big enbankment. My dad smashed his head and cracked the glass in the back window...enough so that he was pulling chunks of glass out of his head even after the hospital had examined him and let him go. He decided to head back up into the hills to go hunting. *Add this to the list of things: I do not understand.
Oh, and my fellow cubers and old friends from Bowne Internet (now Immersant) in Boston will get a huge chuckle out of something I found in my referrer logs...someone was searching Google for "Bowne Sucks" and came up with my site. Chortle. It's SO true.
11:00 AM | link | up| archives |
10.5.2000
hours of web amusement
at howfreshisthisfreshguy.com. My faves thus far are the mullet-headed guy and the guy with the removeable gold teeth caps for sale...what do you think, should I pick up a pair of diamond fangs?
8:42 PM | link | up| archives |
October...And the trees are stripped bare...Of all they wear...What do I care?...October...And kingdoms rise and kingdoms fall...But You go on...And on. ~U2
According to the latest issue of Health Magazine, the average woman spends $29 on Halloween every year while the average man spends $43. I thought that a bit curious...what are the men spending the cashola on? Elaborate costumes? Beer? Candy? Didn't quite say. I do know that Halloween is one of my most favorite holidays. I love the atmosphere of the weeks that surround the holiday...the air seems to be charged with a particular energy and it all seems to center around that last day of the month. I love Halloween...dressing up, the candy, carving pumpkins, candles, scary movies and stories. I make the most adorable and mischievious devil every year.
It also means that fall is definitely here. The day was dreary today, cold and rainy, but mostly it was the darkness that was striking. Coming back from Hampton Beach yesterday, my friend and I realized that it was getting dark around 5:00...the summer finally gone. The beach itself was a clear indicator of it...and true, we were there in the middle of the week during the day but it was eerie how closed up the strip was. Only a couple shops were open and we satiated ourselves on old video games before going to watch the surfers trying to catch the waves. They looked so cold out there although the wetsuits surely helped. Still, surfing requires you to be barefoot and having chilly toes must not be so fun. They were the only real visitors to the beach...their cars lined the road and elderly residents on their walks would stop to watch over the sea wall. The town was mostly closed...even the McDonald's had been boarded up! And the leaves...such amazing beauty. Not being from the East, I find that I adore leaf peeping. The rich colors, the vibrant hues...it's amazing to me to see trees like that. I'm used to evergreens and seeing full forests of hardwoods makes my eyes deliriously dizzy.
Tomorrow's task is (the dishes!) to get out all my winter clothes and to start to put away my summer ones. There is a ritual in doing this...I have been putting it off for quite a while now, but it is time to admit that there is no real turning back. It won't get much past 70 degrees on any given day for the rest of the year and now I can break out the fall attire. Fall is definitely my favorite season. I love to wear warm sweaters again, to begin wearing lush fabrics once more. I like drinking hot apple cider and pumpkin pie...mmm.
Fall is a season of change...but mostly for me, of new beginnings. Good things always happen to me in the fall. New job, new friends, new experiences, new hopes. I look back at the year and see that I have grown exponentially...I know that I'm going to look back at the year 2000 and see that in the midst of so much seemingly frustrating things...my grandmother dying, meanie boss, divorce, losing my job, to name a few....that there is so much more good things that have come out of it all. I feel so strong, so excited about life. I feel vibrant just as those reds and yellows shine on the trees. It's a damn good feeling.
And the Exorcist! I saw it at the Fenway on Tuesday night. I realized that I hadn't really seen the movie as I thought I had...I had only seen the main exorcism scene, but nothing leading up to it or after. I was on the edge of my seat for a lot of it. The sound has been remastered and it was brilliant. Funny enough, the thing that scared me most in the movie was a damn ringing telephone. And it reminded me yet again of how fucking amazing Mike Oldfield is at making music.
And niki, have you ever had beer from the New Glarus Brewing Co? They're from the backwoods of Wisconsin just like you...go try their Wisconsin Belgian Red. WOW. Probably the best beer I've had. Oooo and seeing that I want to pick up a couple more bottles, that means I have an excuse to go back in and flirt with that attractive liquor store guy. He'll probably think I'm a total massive lush...oh wait, I am.
7:58 PM | link | up| archives |
10.4.2000
don't hurt me
It must be awful cold surfing off Hampton Beach in October. I am MUCH better at Millipede than Centipede...and old people radio can send me into laughing hysterics.
8:19 PM | link | up| archives |
10.3.2000
wisdom
"Each friend represents a world in us, a world possibly not born until they arrive, and it is only by this meeting that a new world is born." ~Anais Nin
6:16 PM | link | up| archives |
the senses
how does anger manifest itself? smell, taste, touch, hearing, seeing? I think that in my case it was rather vocally, when I discovered that AFTER cancelling the transfer of my domain host to Interland because of their shitty service that the transfer had already been processed at Network Solutions. Grrrr. They are apparently rectifying the matter but in the meantime, I'm in a mad dash to copy all my site files in the event that the transfer takes place...if you come back and crystallyn.com is down, that would be why.
But besides that, I find that the last few days have me revelling in the the various senses. I have been, as you might remember, been reading Diane Ackerman's Natural History of the Senses. I feel rather hyper aware these days. My cat, as all cats do, loves to lie in the little patches of sun that appear when I open up all the windows. This morning, I found him curled up on my futon which does not lie in the sun. However, when I was petting him, I realized that I could smell that he had just been basking. How can I explain how a cat smells after they have been sufficiently toasted in the morning light? It IS indescribeable, but his fur was still warm and the strange stale, nearly metallic smell was a part of him and I knew instantly that he had just deposited himself on the futon only moments before I arrived in the room.
Smell and taste are very connected...which of course you know from colds when you can't do either. Last night I brought home some wine to share with Michael when he came back from the hospital (actually, I was mostly just hoping that the cute guy at the liquor store would notice me...but then he looked at me funny and wrinkled his nose at the bottle of wine I picked out...white zin is a rather guilty secret of mine, chuckle...NOT the way to impress a slight wine snob, trust me. But hey, maybe he might want to liberate me?). I opened the bottle--it was a brand that I had never heard of before--and shared the libations with Michael. I took one sip and wanted to toss the wine...but I took a sip from Michael's to make sure it wasn't that the glass I was drinking from still had soap on it or something of the like. Nope...crappy wine. Michael was annoyed, "Hey that's MY wine!" When I explained, he laughed. He can only smell the most pungent smells and as a result, his palate is very affected. He can't really taste the wine much at all, much less tell if one wine was different than another. No wonder he's the only one that will drink white zinfandel with me.
I am very much connecting with my sensual side these days. The idea of touch is always appealing to me. At the Fogg this weekend, I wanted to touch the paintings, as always. The Van Gogh below is thick with paint...the colors assault the eyes and I wanted to run my fingertips along the surface but to do so would be near sacrilege. I thought it was interesting how my sculptor friend always notices people's hands...what a tactile profession, touching while creating. It's no wonder he admires hands so much. I recall that another artist friend of mine was the same way...someone I knew awhile back but cannot entirely recall...is it you Donnie? Noticing the hands visually is interesting...for them hands are their tools, they are the vehicles of creation and in that, they become more interesting and important.
I was reading today that Gemini's main trait is that of responsiveness. Being responsive to touch and sensory input is very true of me. It's why I love hot hot showers, curling up with my cat and stroking his beautiful fur, the feel of particular fabrics...I love soft materials. I think it's also why I love kissing.
I was telling my friend about this recently...Jack staying here actually sort of reminded me of it. This last spring, I went to visit Jack and ended up going out with him and the cast of his latest musical after the play was done. While out at drinks, I ended up talking with a sweet, extremely flamboyant gay man and somehow the subject turned to kissing and how much we both love to kiss. With enough alcohol in both of us, somehow we decided to kiss each other (for the purpose of definition...french kissing), just for the sheer pleasure of kissing. It was interesting...it was the only time I have ever kissed anyone without an emotional or sexual attraction attached to the act. It was a wonderful exercise...to kiss for the sake of feeling those sensations, lips on lips, tongue on tongue. I could just physically feel the pleasure of the act rather than feel what it was like to also be romantically or sexually connected to someone.
That leads to taste. Eating at Dali for the first time the other night was amazing. Tapas is always a wonderful delight for the tastebuds...being able to try a variety of foods. The starter was garlic soup...wow! I never knew there was such a thing. It was incredibly tasty. I would love to have the recipe for it...having the warm comfort of such a sensual broth on a winter day would be a great thing. I tried frog legs for the first time as well. They come arranged on the plate looking like minature chicken legs, delicately baked and herbed. I don't think I can describe the taste very well. It was sweeter than chicken with a very delicate texture. I found that I really enjoyed them, although I did have a rather guilty feeling about eating kermit for my dinner.
Sound is always a part of everything I do. I'm constantly aware of multiple conversations in restaurants, aware of how voices and music affect me positively and negatively, and aware of a myriad of background noises be it the trucks outside or the telephone ringing in the apartment downstairs. I have always been struck by how a voice can consume me. It might be a throwback from my radio days, but I'm unsure. I have always been extremely aural...the right voice can create a lot of pleasure within me. I love to hear how people sound their words, place their accents, the way that they breathe as they speak.
Do you remember who taught you how to whistle? I wish I did.
Tonight will be an assault on my visual and aural sensibilities...the Exorcist. The site itself is an interesting treat...visually interesting with the wild wicked fonts, aurally haunting with the voices that greet your ears..."It burns..." Don't go to this site unless it's dark, with the sound way up.
2:46 PM | link | up| archives |
10.2.2000
wild green
New posting to my autobio area. Have my environmental autobiography class tonight. After that, Michael rolls around for another night while his daughter is in the hospital. I find that if I crash now I have half an hour for a nap...
4:12 PM | link | up| archives |
things that rock
Van Gogh, especially this one in the Fogg Museum at Harvard. ~ sangria ~ when lauren calls to tell me she had a fabulous date this weekend and we can chatter away just like we did as giddy school girls when we were 16 ~ sunny gorgeous days ~ sleeping in and being languid ~ that i live near a sign that says Fresh Killed Chickens (wonder if they would do roosters?) ~ toscanini ice cream~ a ring that looks like a cherry ~ sexy jesus woodcuts ~ learning how they accidentally(mistakenly?) discovered white zinfandel ~ being able to type 90wpm ~ Poi Dog Pondering ~ having frog legs for the first time!! does NOT taste like chicken...
1:53 PM | link | up| archives |
10.1.2000
why my cat eats lint
why my mail server hates me
men
the power of procrastination
how families can drive you crazy even if they live 3,000 miles away
why massachusetts bans liquor sales on sunday EXCEPT during the holiest season of the year...Xmas
men
gay men trolling in chat rooms to hook up
why my webcam freezes a LOT
people that fall off the face of the earth
wrinkles
barnyard animals in the city limits
why some people don't understand that sometimes no means no
the cost of airline tickets
how fax machines work
men
why Kozmo is still in business (but I would die if they weren't!)
why the old star trek shows are still better than the new ones
how Keanu Reeves can still have an acting career
10:09 AM | link | up| archives |
