7.31.2000
driving
good things: new cd player in the car
an hour's worth of alone thinking time
scenery (better in the fall)
bad things: stupid people driving
stupid people driving
stupid people driving
stupid people driving
stupid people driving in the rain
stupid people driving in the rain in my way
being scared to answer my cell phone while driving with stupid people on the road in the rain.
3:22 PM | link | up| archives |
7.30.2000
vivid
I did the dishes. I despise the dishes. I'm not sure why...it is rather cathartic, but I hate the way my hands feel, the weird wrinkly (if I were to have wrinkly skin, I would MUCH prefer it to be the result of a hot tub complete with liberal champagne and strawberries) sensation. Maybe it's the half-eaten food that slides across my skin. Ewww. I'm sicking myself out just thinking about it. I would rather be cleaning the toilet than doing the dishes. Sick and twisted, I know. It is, quite literally, the most loathsome chore I can imagine. I am, however, excellent at drying dishes.
I bought a jar of canned dark morrello cherries when I was at Trader Joes. Oh my god. OH MY GOD. I thought I had died and went to heaven when I opened up that jar. Pure mouth music, truly. It threw me into two disparate places nearly simultaneously.
* Back into the memory of my childhood. My mother used to can cherries when I grew up...from off the tree in our backyard. I grew up in a little town called Nine Mile Falls, WA. We had a big backyard with a huge garden and several fruit trees. We trained our little dog, Cocoa, a brown and white cocker/corgi mix to chase the birds from the cherry tree and from the strawberry patch. Those canned cherries were always so amazing when my mom got them out mid-winter as a treat.
* What an amazing state of sensuality...those cherries...the texture, the flavor, the way they felt on the tongue. I felt like I had the hottub all over again for one brief moment.
I also watched Chasing Amy today. How come I sort of missed that movie? Jay and Bob in Clerks, in this, in Dogma...
10:31 PM | link | up| archives |
It's sprinkling, but not frogs.
I haven't done the dishes. I did go to the grocery mecca of Trader Joes, however. I'm always amazed at that place. I always spend way too much money on food that I would never normally buy. Well hell, at least I'm eating healthy.
I haven't done the self-evaluation of my annual review. I need to do that but the form is so damn long. If I don't do it this week though then I'm going to be waiting a long while...my manager is on vacation for two weeks starting next monday....wooohooo! Not that it matters anymore.
I haven't done any of the rest of the stuff on my midnight list. I do that...I write lists that never seem to get anywhere. Truth be told, I don't want to be doing any of it. I want to be out, having a good time with someone but the transition between living with someone and not living with someone is a slow process. I need to make friends with single people...I need to build that network. God, I know a TON of people but they're married, they've got boyfriends, they have lives that meant I had to PLAN in advance when we got together. There are no spontaneous friends and when I don't plan, my apartment is empty, my cat meowing, my phone line bare. It is a long slow transition.
Lately these days I feel like I'm living some strange episode of Sex and the City...the episode that they cancelled.
At least I'll call my brother...and see if he got the watch that I sent that the UPS guy LEFT ON THE DOORSTEP. Grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr. That will make me VERY unhappy if someone swiped it.
Dammit...just called my brother...I sent it to the WRONG address. FUCK. Not cool. I spent a lot on that watch. He's going to go over to the old house, but since they dropped it on the doorstep they can just lie...dammit.
Thwarted again.
3:33 PM | link | up| archives |
Partly cloudy, 82% chance of rain.
It will sit with me for awhile, I think. Magnolia--finally I managed to see it. It was long, it was artistic, but mostly it was so slick and masterful...I will think about it, turn it over in my head, savor it, realize it. It IS reminiscent of American Beauty...the way that it all splices together, the commentary on what is normal and what is not, the curious mixture of life and death. AB was much more tragic and surreal in ways that Magnolia was not. I keep seeing that word associated with Magnolia...surreal...and yet, I didn't find much of that within the movie at all. Save the frogs, those were situations, that, however bizarre, could happen in life. Hell, my own life is some massive fucking melodrama...much more surreal in retrospect than that movie. What I found within Magnolia is amazing love and pain, forgiveness, and the realization of how people's actions affect others in their lives. Even more so...a tremendous searching and restlessness that each character shared. That I find that I share. Restlessness.
things that I need to doooooooo
*The dishes. ewww.
*Write.
*Change the dates on my automatic bill pays, now that my paycheck is biweekly instead of bimonthly.
*Write.
*My annual review of myself.
*Write.
*Get the supply list for my oil painting class again.
*Write.
*Call my brother for his birthday.
*Write.
*Finish the Witness of Poetry.
*Write.
I am the master of procrastination when it comes to writing, methinks. I can find any other excuse than to do it. Cleaning, writing emails to long lost friends, surfing art sites, organizing my cds. Why? Why is it thus although the tug of my pen, of my fingers, of my mind to write...is strong, so strong that it is like a weird burning in the center of my forehead. It is an anxious sort of waiting...my head, waiting for my body to sit down and write it.
But what the fuck am I supposed to write?
12:10 AM | link | up| archives |
7.29.2000
doomed planet
It is good to have an end to journey toward; but it is the journey that matters, in the end. ~ Ursula K. Le Guin
Teach us to care and not to care
Teach us to sit still. ~T.S. Eliot
No ideas but in things. ~ William Carlos Williams
11:55 AM | link | up| archives |
7.28.2000
Shelley
"The shadow of a starless night, was thrown Over the world in which I moved alone."
Garbage
I'm feeling small
Climbing the walls
I don't let it show
9:36 PM | link | up| archives |
arrgggggggggghhhhhhhhhh
Being chained to technology is something that I am realizing that I often hate. I have had a string of bad luck with mail servers. I think I have had some bad voodoo spell placed on my POP accounts. First it was my cable modem ISP. Then it was work. Then it was my web-based mail program. Even my.yahoo.com is down today (I figured out you can get to your mail if you go through yahoo.com but NOT my.yahoo.com, but still). One gets fixed, the other goes down.
It makes me obssessed with that "send and receive mail" button. How many times have I pushed it this morning? Throughout history, we wait. We used to wait for bards to bring us news of foreign cities, to bring notes from loved ones that are off and afar. Soon mail routes popped up, eventually the Pony Express, then we waited by mailboxes. Soon, by the phones, now, via email. I think it's somewhat worse though, now that we have technology---the waiting is worse, that is. We know that people are accessible from anywhere...via cell, via the Web. We know that it takes five minutes to send a fast note. A lack of response creates a scenario in which the impact is felt faster than it would have been in the past. We are less patient creatures with technology. Our attention span has diminished. We stamp our feet like children, anxious for that quick hit, that next bit of "hee hee."
For my birthday someone gave me a beautiful box of stationery cards. I actually used some of them, but I realized that the only reason I did was because I had a few relatives that didn't have email. I had writer's cramp within a matter of minutes. I look at that box wistfully now, wondering who I could write to.
I love when people send me notes and cards, when I open my mailbox to a stamped envelope or postcard, a letter, a piece of themselves...their writing style, the time it took to share.
Damn email. Dammit.
12:18 PM | link | up| archives |
7.27.2000
smile style
Listening to Garbage in the car on rainy mornings.
Belonging to a rare company with amazing people.
Venti Mocha Valencias.
Duct tape eliminates kitty hairs on black clothing.
Puddles and wet sandals.
Delightful nervous anticipation.
Irving on my computer.
Talking to long lost friends in the deep south.
Pop tarts.
3:05 PM | link | up| archives |
7.26.2000
wisdom
The aim of life is to live, and to live means to be aware, joyously, drunkenly, serenely, divinely aware. ~Henry Miller
Thinking is more interesting than knowing, but less interesting than looking. ~Goethe
If you gaze for long into the abyss, the abyss also gazes into you. ~ Nietzsche
That is happiness:to be dissolved into something complete and great. ~ Willa Cather
10:14 PM | link | up| archives |
it's true
I work for the most amazing company. AMAZING. I am constantly in awe of the integrity of the core of my company. As my new manager tells me my job is on the line, the founders step forward and put their foot down. The people I have worked with for the last year rally around me and uphold the work that I have done, the things I have accomplished. It's the most incredible bit of validation.
Wow. I am just reeling in the heady emotions of today. Wow.
2:44 PM | link | up| archives |
Ooooo
My horrorscope for the day. I guess I should pay attention before I head to that review...
GEMINI
Avoid bad influences and destructive behavior. You could use a mentor with a strong guiding hand. The things that limit you only serve to focus your strength in the areas where it will do the most good.
But HEY...my love meter was a four hearts. I wonder what that means...grin.
8:47 AM | link | up| archives |
Crystal's rule of the phone
*When you want people to call you, they don't.
*When you want people to STOP calling you, they won't.
8:42 AM | link | up| archives |
7.25.2000
itchy and scratchy
I was wrong. My sunburn doesn't hurt now..it ITCHES. Guess the peeling is about to begin. I guess it could be worse. It could be like that time when I was living in Newport Beach (and working at Disney and Virgin simultaneously...what a disparity, let me tell you)...when I got sunburnt so bad that I could run a finger down my arm and watch the water roll out of all my blisters. I have freckles on my shoulders now that weren't there before that. Or the time when I was four and I was with my friend's family and we went to Kewlona, B.C. to Bedrock City (yes, Fred, Wilma, etc.) and I had my hair back in a pony tail and somehow burnt one ear to a complete and utter black crisp.
Okay I'll stop grossing myself and my random friends out--I know one in particular that is probably in convulsions right now in the sheer disgust of it. Chortle.
But I'm itchy!!! Where else can I complain? And it's only on my back where my friend didn't want to get her hands all greasy so she barely put any lotion on. ;-) I feel like I am a bear, rubbing against the corners in my apartment, trying to get the itch to stop. And it's only in the round circle on my back...in the spot where I can't reach with aloe.
Problems with living with only a spoiled cat. I can rub him but he can't help me. And if he could I would be all sticky furry.
9:56 PM | link | up| archives |
the light at the end of my tiny little tunnel
* It's not monday
* I got the hotel room for me and my two girlfriends for when we go to that wedding---FINALLY I got off my butt and did that.
* new job possibilities are smiling on me
* the watch that I bought for my brother's birthday is going to get to him BEFORE my parents give him the watch that THEY bought him for his birthday
* my best friend is back from her month long yoga retreat in Spain
* my sunburn stopped hurting---you can see my tan!!
2:06 PM | link | up| archives |
7.24.2000
i am a bitch!!
Omg...it's official. I am 44% bitch!
which is higher than the worldwide average 38%
Really. According to The Bitch Test.
What is even more startling are the stats of this test!!
How others compare:
2% (same as you)
29% (bitchier than you)
69% (less bitchy than you)
Of the 2,878,642 test takers so far:
53% cheated in a relationship
52% can use a gun
51% forget birthdays
48% been in a catfight
44% blamed a friend for farting
31% gnawed during oral sex
28% wear lots of hairspray
19% stomped on someone with high heels
The bitchiest age group so far is 29 year olds. 29 year olds average 41% bitchy.
Women who like the taste of beer are more likely to cheat on their boyfriends.
Canadian women are more likely to consider themselves successful.
Girls with tattoos like authority less.
Girls who sleep with married men are more likely to forget their friends' birthdays.
~
Great...not only am I in the bitchiest age group, but it is now clear to the world that I don't like authority! Wait...maybe that was already clear to the world.
I like this. Now I have an excuse. ;-)
10:28 PM | link | up| archives |
contemplative
Years ago, I had a friend named Shannon. Shannon and I had a very tumultuous friendship--one of those weird sort of co-dependent unhealthy jealous of each other types of friendships. It ended badly...basically I got fed up. Basically she had been pushing me so hard in hopes that I would get fed up and go. One thing (out of many things, both good and bad) that she left with me was this quote from Gandhi:
All is well with you even though everything seems to go dead wrong, if you are square with yourself.
All is not well with you although everything outwardly may seem to go right, if you are not square with yourself.
It is the one quote that sits with me, rests within me throughout all the years. I try to remember it when things are very out of balance in my life.
8:59 PM | link | up| archives |
7.23.2000
I am covered
in sand. And I am just home and realizing that I have to shower now when I only have seven hours to sleep. I'm sort of partial to sleep.
Sand all over me. Exfoliation at it's natural best.
I am a bit sunburnt.
Note to self: Next time don't buy the $14 beach chair. Buy the $30 beach chair. You GET what you pay for.
Don't get the salad (from the self-touted, New England's most famous salad bar...it was fucking amazing too) when you order the lobster. It makes you FULL.
Hampton beach. One of the great meat markets of America. I'm glad I'm not 15 anymore. I can drink YUMMY sangria (damn that stuff was great) and it's legal. But it was good to giggle at those stupid teenage hardbodies. They look so silly strutting around. Those poor boys. Give them ten years...they'll be fat.
sleep. sleep. sleep. who cares about the damn sand?
11:18 PM | link | up| archives |
7.22.2000
recap
My day today was filled with:
transvestites, a needy kitty, sensual restraint, poetry, confusion and an odd bit of clarification, and then some made-for-TV movie about a man who whose soul falls into a dog. I topped off the day with a trip to the drugstore for candy pink nail polish. Well...perhaps I didn't go for the polish, but it was a great add-on. Being a girl can be great.
I went to get a jug for the sangria I'm going to make to take to the beach with my girlfriends tomorrow. Finally, sun. My vacation on the Cape earlier this week was overshadowed by thick clouds and heavy emotion. Now, my skin seeks golden retribution.
Mmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm sangria.
10:03 PM | link | up| archives |
Simultaneous Sighs
One on the stairs on the way down.
One in the apartment behind.
Life is an adventure and there are some gems along the way. You find them in unusual circumstances and within unlikely people. Good friends are hard to come by. I hang onto them when I can.
6:51 PM | link | up| archives |
links to hold onto
Sensual, sweet sorts of links. Lazy Saturday, can you tell?
Erotica Reader's Association
Venus or Vixen
Femmerotic
Cherrybomb
3:23 PM | link | up| archives |
Wide Open
* An apartment with one room that echoes.
* Being alone and being confused on when that translates or equates to lonely. It does and it doesn't. Sometimes I revel in it. Sometimes I struggle with it.
* My keyboards fall apart every six months.
* The lover kitty is more talkative now than ever.
* No one ever sends me Palm mail.
1:22 AM | link | up| archives |
7.21.2000
Important (?) Things?
Bathing is important. Deodorant is important. Especially before you subject your co-workers to a meeting where you are going to be waving your arms around, standing at the whiteboard and gesticulating wildly. My nose is in turmoil.
The word "idea" does NOT have an R on the end.
You know you have a good friend when they randomly drop by your desk to hand you a book on poetry...one that he says is life-changing and you need to read it. It's a simple slim volume. He teased me of how I will have it read in a half an hour. He's probably right, but the beauty of such books is the savoring slowly to make them last longer. He says he has bought the book nine times and each time ends up giving it to someone who should read it. Oooo I'm excited to dig in now.
2:58 PM | link | up| archives |
Coffee.
I am not quite an addict. Not quite.
I remember the last time I saw my friend Greg before he went off to China to teach English...nearly four years ago now. It was in a charming coffeehouse in Seattle near Greenlake. We sat in the modern art chairs with our big huge steaming white mugs sipping our frothy lattes. How many times had we drank coffee together before? Hundreds of times.
Coffee drinking in Seattle is akin to some sort of worship. Every little latte stand is a sort of mecca...at all hours of the day you can find people milling about, anxious for the taste of that brown liquid love. Coffeeshops are always full of interesting people, conversationalists, book readers, lovers. In New England, Dunkin Donuts is king. It's not the same. You can't sit in a Dunkin Donuts and feel cozy or smart. There IS a sort of person that hangs out in Dunkin Donuts...and I'm not sure I want to know them.
This week has been a triple espresso week. It's the sleepy thing.
9:04 AM | link | up| archives |
I am Sleepy.
And perhaps a bit stupid. But dammit. I got this thing to sort of work and that was the goal. Now my contacts are plastered to my eyes, I'm thirsty as all hell and my cat is annoyed because I've ignored him all night. All for this.
For this.
12:21 AM | link | up| archives |
