8.19.2000

in the randomness of things

so in my wanderings, I came across two places that struck me...one came from my referrer logs...this site, which is interesting because the guy, while much younger than I, travelled much the same path as me in a really convoluted way, going from Boise to Seattle to Spokane and back to Seattle (for me it started in Spokane, went to Boise, went back to Spokane and then Seattle). You heading to Boston next Dan? It's the next stop on that path...chuckle.

And then this site, that I found on diarist.net, owned by guy who could live nearly next door to me for all I know. Anyway, check out his site...he's got some killer pictures of Cambridge on there. Plus, although a couple years younger, he has the same birthday (June 5) as me so he automatically falls into a particular coolness category.

Painting happened. I have this big, nearly empty room that needed an easel and so that's where it is. Not being from around here really, I never had been in Pearl in Central Square before. It's an artists heaven..everything you can possibly think of there. And I realized that I felt oddly out of place without any piercings or enough tattoos (*note to self...take picture of tattoo so you can actually show it to people). Then again, if I had been born ten years later, I would probably be pierced and tattooed all over. I was such the little punker chick back in the 80s...parts of me are glad that those things weren't fashionable back then.

And I've been itching to write...the painting does it, I think...makes me feel extremely poetic. I was thinking about poetry and the professor I had ages ago back at Whitworth...Laurie Lamon. And I came across several of her poems. Most of the ones that I could find were in the Atlantic Monthly. She was wonderful to learn from and it's exciting to see her works in print from 3,000 miles and six years away.

* Potato *
* When You Tell Me *
* Pain Thinks of Itself and Privacy *

I am wondering if my memory serves me right and if the poem, "Pain Thinks of Itself" is the one that I remember her writing during my senior year, or perhaps the year after I graduated. She wrote a poem about another one of the professor's loved ones that was dying of AIDS, I believe. Then again, my memory could be pretty shoddy all these years later. Still, her poetry is poignant, a bit haunting and it makes me exceptionally glad that I had the chance to study with her.

7:02 PM | link | up| archives | comments [ ]

sometimes it really sucks

this living alone thing, that is. I want to be out with people and doing things and laughing and exploring but all my friends are: a. out of town b. sick c. have plans with their significant others d. have lives. e. live far away. I just don't have many single friends, sigh. And YES I am lamenting. It's a gorgeous day and I will go out, but it would be infinitely better with engaging company. I'm getting tired of looking at the damn apartment. So maybe it's a Harvard Square day and I'll go see a movie and go get art supplies. Or maybe I should just hole up and write. Or maybe I should go out and write. Or maybe I should go to the MFA and see Van Gogh while he's still there...might give me fuel and technique for my oil painting. Or maybe it's back to Harvard and instead I'll go to the Fogg and then also get art supplies. Sigh. Who knows.

I would have loved to have gone hiking today.

All right. My lament is over. For the time being.

11:53 AM | link | up| archives | comments [ ]

nostalgia

My closest friend, Michael, sent me this picture of him on the beach as a wee one when he was growing up in England. I saw it and I suddenly went into sappy Hallmark mode...the tears beginning to creep out of the corners of my eyes. It was such a shock to see it, I think...I realized I had never seen any pictures of him when he was young. It impacted me...I think because I thought I really knew this person (well, aside from all the reasons why we fight a lot these days) and then seeing this picture made me realize that there is a whole history that I have no clue about.

We carry so much with us. My mother was talking to me a bit the other day about her childhood...it was a lot harder than I ever knew until recent years and it changed my perspective on my mom and how she looks at life. I was lucky. I had a wonderful childhood (forgive the fact that I had to grow up in places like Spokane, WA and Boise, ID) that is full of happy memories. My father was an architect when I was young and he designed the house in which I spent many of my most formative years. I still have dreams about that house.

Speaking of dreams, the time for contemplation, nostalgia and reflection are past...sleep is waiting impatiently for me. I'm ready to dig out the toothpicks for the eyelids. Ouch. That would hurt.

12:41 AM | link | up| archives | comments [ ]

8.18.2000

sex goddess

emode rates me as a SEX GODDESS. But then, I guess I already knew that...*wink*

The lowdown: A brilliant bolt of lightening descends! SHAZAAM! The oracle has spoken! The smoke clears to reveal that inside you is a divine being, VENUS, the Goddess of Love and Beauty.

Let's just say that you are a deity with quite a fan club. Popular and pretty, you fill men with desire. Taking pride in your appearance, you have a very feminine way about you. Although you have perfected the art of innocent flirting, beneath that naive exterior lies a woman ready to hit the sheets and get busy. And once you're in the bedroom, your divine instincts take over. Smooth as silk in sexual situations, you know how to make your lovers melt. And you awe men with your sexual confidence and skilled performance. You are a diva of delight. Suddenly, like a light from the heavens, your partner discovers your true inner nature. Behold, the skies proclaim, here lies a goddess!


8:59 PM | link | up| archives | comments [ ]

mickey mouse is a girl

Bet you didn't know that. It's true. If you go to Disneyland and you see Mickey Mouse (he appears mostly in New Orleans Square), chances are that Mickey (and Minnie) are girls behind that costume. I know this because I used to be a "Merchandise Hostess" in New Orleans Square/Critter Country once upon a time. And if you knew me you might find that funny...and even more funny to know that was probably one of the best jobs I have ever had. The worst paying, but the most enjoyable by far. I also did crowd control for Fantasmic...a laser light show. I used to work the VIP balcony and let the "stars" in. I met the most random people: Billy Idol, Molly Ringwald, the Osmonds, the middle girl from Full House (what is her name? it's Stephanie on the show...one sharp chick though), Bud Bundy (what is his name too? lol. he's SHORT...came up to my chin or so...and I'm only 5'4"), Robin Williams and Tim Robbins...and a few others. Fun fun fun in the California sun.

I'll have to post my tips and tricks to getting around Disney...to avoid standing in line, where to eat, when to ride certain rides, but for now, I think that this Gen-Xers Guide to Disneyland is pretty damn cool.

Even cooler...whilst in the midst of all that hoopla, I was living on Newport Beach and working at Virgin Records...total disparity, huh? It was great...I played with the mice and was promoting bands like Cracker and Smashing Pumpkins. And getting a great tan.

oh to be young again!


1:20 PM | link | up| archives | comments [ ]

tgiff!

that extra f is for an expletive, by the way. on monday the meanie boss comes back. she's going to HATE me for putting a halt on her branding campaign. the half-assed branding campaign that makes our company (Internet development) look like a Gap commercial. Ewww. We have taxi-tops in Boston, NY and San Fran...they have a girl with her arms outstretched...she looks like, as my friend said, "she's offering herself up for a sacrifice."

so what the hell is branding anyway? it's a circular argument mostly and there are many camps as to what it's all about...and many more that rally against the idea of creating a brand, of succumbing to the corporation, of creating an atmosphere to herd sheep. i haven't had enough coffee for the counter-rant, so you don't get one.

i do know that it's fucking cold in this office and being cold makes me yawn. yawn!

and so I was on memepool today and found this site that really made me giggle madly to start my Friday morning.

8:53 AM | link | up| archives | comments [ ]

8.17.2000

luscious

slippery paint. wet, nearly palatable, sensuous, sliding sort of stuff. I love my oil painting class. painting is extremely savory for me...it makes me feel madly poetic. I love the connection that I have in the way that I look at the world as a painter and in how i write.

so my first...very first painting...is ready for your viewing pleasure. it is a highly suggestive piece, although you would never know if i told you the subject matter is bags and boxes. it took on an o'keefe quality of it's own that i didn't recognize until I took a step back. So here...go here (this is only a slice of the picture...it was too big to scan)...and then tell me...if YOU were a psychologist, what would your diagnosis be?

I am going to go get some latex *sly smile* and do some finger painting this weekend...with the oils...pushing their slickness over the canvas, massaging vivid color, letting the visionary experience explode beneath my fingertips. Mmmm. makes me want to be writing erotica again. *note to self ------>get off your lazy ass and write something ambrosial and delirious (remember how you used to be making money at it...remember that you are living on one salary now?)

And so I am a bad bad mistress today. I should be punished, severely, for letting my loverkitty stay locked up in my office all day. and what a saint! not a mess at all. my poor romeo...he just looked up with those big blue eyes when I found him, waiting for me to roll him over and give him belly love (he's a rare cat...loves a good belly rub). I just can't believe I did that. bad bad BAD crystal. he should have scratched me or something.

and there are worrisome things on the family front, sigh. health stuff and dysfunctional elderly relations sort of stuff. I am reminded of how the thought of getting old really freaks me out. Here I am, 29, feeling storms in my bones when they roll in...hoping that I am not going to be falling apart when i'm ancient and old, wrinkly and alone in the rocking chair on the porch and a burden to those relatives that have the misfortune to live close. sigh. can I stop getting old now? I have one more year...this last year of my twenties is hitting me hard for some reason.

adorable picture of me and my spanish friend quique at that wedding I went to back on the 5th. It was taken with one of those little sticker cameras so the resolution isn't so hot when you blow it up. forgive me.

i'm NOT going to blog till midnight though. not tonight. not this time. no. NO. no crystal. NO.

11:36 PM | link | up| archives | comments [ ]

btw

I'm not British. *wink* full blooded american with mayflower ancestors (the billingtons). scary, huh? Well at least I came from a long line of hellions...chortle.

4:10 PM | link | up| archives | comments [ ]

morefool

i have a habit of opening mouth, insert foot. my mouth is far more ahead of my head. sigh.

11:48 AM | link | up| archives | comments [ ]

lovefool

my echinacea isn't working.

tonight is more painting. are we doing color tonight? hmmmm..what sort of visually sensual trouble can i get into? turpentine...I NEED to buy turpentine...today at lunch. me, paints, slick oils sliding on smooth canvas...of COURSE I'm going to be painting things i don't realize I'm painting.

10:50 AM | link | up| archives | comments [ ]

mr funny

there are rare people in this world. i know this one guy, you see, and he has definitely let me see him in fine form. one time, several several months ago, during a brief lapse of judgement, he became a bit inebriated. now this in and of itself is not so rare or unusual. but when we went to urban outfitters and he grabbed a hold of the power drill that was on the counter and was waving it around, much to my amusement and a bit of embarassment....now THAT was rare. i'm not so sure that moment will ever live itself down. I think that moment will forever rest in my memory, in my stockpile of rare, important moments in my life...of which I have many.

so what is a girl to do? I am a FOOL. Yes, you read that right...big fucking FOOL. I mean really...I'm a girl with friends that like to wave random power drills into the air (and the foolish thing is that I LIKE to hang out with the power drill waving type). I get myself entangled in situations where I want people I can't have or the people I can have, I don't want. I fight incessantly with my best friend and I still talk to him regardless of him being a stubborn british technologically inept sort of guy. i speak my mind sometimes too much. i send an expensive watch to my brother for his birthday at the wrong address and he never gets it. i stay up WAY too late blogging on this damn site.

have you ever taken a risk in life? stepped out of your safety net and felt the ice cold weight of the world wrap itself around you? have you ever really been brave? I don't mean in a gambling sort of way...there is safe gambling and there is the blind, crazy sort of wagering...the wild HOPING that you have that you just might get what you put yourself on the line for...the taking of a chance.

I used to be safe. I lived my life in the safe sort of hoping...not really putting myself on the line because it was too scary. Someone showed me that it is better to be in the world, FEELING it all rather than letting my life fall where it may...letting things fall into place...trusting that it will all be okay.

There is no okay. There is no safety net. There are only our own wild fabrications. Nothing is sure. Nothing is a guarantee. This year I have put myself on the line. I walk it every single day. I have fallen and when I have, it's been hard, deep and bloody. But the rewards are far greater than if I never put myself there at all. Safety is an illusion...one that I wish, often, that I could hide behind.

I am living alone again for the first time in eight years. I am on one salary...a good one for one person but the adjustment is hard. When I get sick there is no one to take care of me. When I cry, it's just me and my cat. When I meet people, I take big chances with my emotions...and it hurts when it doesn't work out...but my father taught me the most valuable lesson of my life: No matter how shitty life gets, you just get back up and start again. I have watched him OVER and OVER in his life, knocked down in really scary ways. He just gets back up and starts going again...hardheaded, stubborn...and I admire him for it.

So while I have a lot less safety, I have a lot more joy. I am experiencing my life. I am LIVING it. I am believing in things, learning about me, meeting people, trying new things (bananas foster!) finding different and good emotions in the people I knew before.

and I walk through my life as a fool...with the crazy wild hope that there is something out there that is so spectacular that i have to reach for it, knowing all the while that it is going to hurt when i fall short.

But the truth is, Ursula K. Le Guin said it best: It is good to have an end to journey toward; but it is the journey that matters, in the end.

trite, but true...I want to try and live every day and feel like I didn't miss anything...that if I died, I wouldn't have any regrets because I never took the chance, never hoped, never wondered, never experienced...never FELT.

It IS fucking hard to feel, you know.

12:18 AM | link | up| archives | comments [ ]

8.16.2000

we lead each other on

meanie boss was there today. we avoided each other mostly.

my life has been full of contemplation lately. who the hell i am, what the hell i am doing, why the people i think might be super cool turn out to be shallow assholes, where am i headed, why do i torture myself, why do i hate tomatoes, why did my fucking mail program go kaput on me, why are you reading this, why am i writing this, why am i not writing something else, why haven't i bought any turpentine yet, why hasn't my phone rang yet, who are you, why am I always stuck with things and people I don't want and why can't I have the ones that I do, why are so many people obsessed with blogger, why did someone have to hit my car, why can't my stupid landlord put the window screens back in right after they painted the house, why is my little nephew Cameron so cute, why do mosquitos carry deadly viruses, why am i sitting here ranting?

5:56 PM | link | up| archives | comments [ ]

8.15.2000

Mnemosyne

is being memorable always a good idea? i suppose it depends on what you are memorable for.

oh...I have found the most amazingly shallow site on the planet. what in the hell are we teaching our youngsters?

*did my most hateful chore: dishes (EWWWW...HATEFUL)
*filed the accident reports today. went to insurance adjuster (are they born grumpy?) who estimated damage at a mere $916.00. need to call the doctor tomorrow...neck is stiff a bit.
*up at 5AM tomorrow. have to be at the royal sonesta by 6:30 to help my coworker get ready for the 8AM seminar our company is putting on. which means I get to see the meanie boss (she's on flipping vacation! can't she stay on vacation? sigh sigh sigh sigh sigh)

and so there is a lesson in not burning your bridges...and that everything that goes around comes around: one of my ex-bosses at a previous company who gave me not one real iota of respect while I was there...who never believed in the ability to do my job...is always asking me for marketing advice these days. go figure.

sleep now. sleep sleep sleep.

10:03 PM | link | up| archives | comments [ ]

masochism

the best friend is back from England. and now i remember what a fucking masochist i am (although typically not in these sorts of ways). there is NO one that I would ever let get away with causing me so much grief, frustration, anger, laughter and joy except him. lately our friendship has been like walking a bed of hot coals...pain pain pain pain and then I step off and realize my feet aren't so burned so i go back and do it again. This is probably the same thing in me that made me wear two different shoes to work back on the 11th...the part of me that needs the whap upside the head.

There is a quote that I found once that reminds me of why I do this with him...why i stick it out to salvage what is left, what I believe can be good again.
Should you desire the great tranquility, be prepared to sweat white beads. ~Haikun

I'm sweating baseballs some days. I think he does too.

maybe I should find a new best friend though. perhaps Caroline will do the trick. she's english too, after all. you know how those bloody english can be.

6:27 PM | link | up| archives | comments [ ]

memory and chemistry

so in a moment of reverie, i did some looking and found this page of a guy that I once knew. as far as i know, he's married, 3,000 miles away and still playing music. one of those sorts that left me with warm fuzzy memories. he once sent me a can of crystal pepsi in the mail... *grin*

1:36 PM | link | up| archives | comments [ ]

addicted

to venti mocha valencias. i recently saw how many calories were in one though and i freaked. i might have to switch...oh god can i do that?

so my best friend is supposed to be back from england as of last night. I'm a little frustrated with him at the moment...he sort of fell off the face of the earth during the last week. perhaps because he left as we were on the heels of an argument. perhaps because he's just an inconsiderate blockhead. perhaps he has some perverse pleasure in making me worry.

and now there is the accident report to file. i should call my doctor but i think i'll wait and see how i am tomorrow. i looked at my car and the damage isn't really all that bad...it's just going to be a massive annoyance to get it fixed.

but I did succeed in stirring up trouble at work, asking management and my peers to look over the current collateral designs (of which i think are absolute crap but i have held my tongue). our amazing ceo came through, saw how frustrated we all were at the direction our advertising and branding have been going (with utter lack of respect for the people who work in the trenches...we don't have that stuffy corporate attitude at all). he put the project on the back burner. my manager (soon to be ex-manager) is going to be PISSED. *smirk*


9:11 AM | link | up| archives | comments [ ]

8.14.2000

shadow trash

so some girl hits me this afternoon, swerves into my lane and wipes out my front headlight. not a serious thing, but it shook me up and every muscle in my body tensed because i could see it coming and wouldn't you know that today my neck was REALLY bothering me and i was planning on heading home for a muscle relaxer and lo, and behold...she has to fucking hit me in her trashy dodge shadow. and what is UP with massachusetts cops? they seemed annoyed that I called an officer to the scene (give me a break, I'm from Washington state...you do that there, you get a cop to take a report in case you get sued or in case you do the suing). he didn't write anything down, just asked if I had exchanged information and then sent us on our merry little ways. HE DIDN'T EVEN GIVE HER A FUCKING TICKET. anxious to get back to dunkin donuts methinks. tomorrow, the doctor, sigh. the insurance agency was closing and wanted me to call back tomorrow. ohhh don't get me going about what I think about this crazy place in which no one gives a rats ass about anything but themselves.

so I came home to the lonely apartment and moaned to my kitty. my kitty doesn't give good neckrubs though. sigh. i think that is one of the hardest things about living alone for me...not having anyone to take care of me when i am sick or when i hurt. to just have to be alone and suck it up or rant in places like this.

6:02 PM | link | up| archives | comments [ ]

about fucking time

Finally...the balance has tipped.
Internet Users Come of Age; More Women Online And 2/3 of women think that cybersex is cheating? Hmmm. I wonder what I think about that. I think that it probably is in many ways...I say that only because I have been in the midst of such steamy messages and I have to say that...yeah, it was me emotionally disconnecting rather than talking about how I was feeling. The Internet is a great outlet for people to lose themselves when everyday life is not doing it for them. Cybersex, RPGs, chat rooms, etc. NOT that it is a bad outlet, but that it's very easy to seek out the company of others in an anonymous fashion. Anyway, I'm at work and not in the right place for such a rant.

But wtf is up with Fleet? I go to do my bill payments and sure enough, mid-payment, the site goes down. Yeah, yeah, know...why am I banking with such a freaking corporate conglomorate...(I actually was CHARGED $17.00 for not having anything in my savings account...I have a negative balance there now, go figure). Whap me upside the ahead again, again...do it. I deserve it. I am a bit of a masochist, sigh...but dammit, not THAT kind.

My dear darling beloved Greg hashed up my piece that I wrote this weekend...thanks for that (that's sincerity, btw...it is a trite little piece that needed hashing). These are the times that I wish we had TRANSPORTERS. Yes, that's what I need...a transporter to eliminate the distance between me and my friend in China. This Net thing just doesn't cut it. I would much rather be sitting there, drinking wine, hashing out our poetry or our fiction, laughing and talking about boys and girls and sex and life and literature and how much we both miss Seattle.

And I am left thinking today of Irving, my gargoyle that keeps me company, and makes me giggle just a bit.

10:36 AM | link | up| archives | comments [ ]

8.13.2000

one more before sleep

gumballpoetry

11:07 PM | link | up| archives | comments [ ]

Evil Marketing Plot

I can always appreciate fine, inventive marketing. Check out the latest...using a series of "personal" sites to viral market Lee Jeans.

Cheesy Web Sites a Big Viral Hit

Much better than advertising on taxi tops, eh? Talk about the power of the Internet.

10:51 PM | link | up| archives | comments [ ]

not quite sunday morning

I love the North end...the people, the energy, the tiny, charming apartments. Things that I find important in life:

*laughter
*strawberries
*margaritas
*languid moments

My laundry plans of this morning were foiled, but for good reason, but I managed to luck out and get in there this afternoon to do it. Drives me crazy to sit there and wait. Two things that I am going to be sure of in my next apartment: dishwasher, laundry in building. Or maybe a houseboy...that would also do the trick.

And oh...finally, there is a new site for: The Pottery Barn. Danger danger danger...grin.

4:56 PM | link | up| archives | comments [ ]