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December 16, 2003
HOLIDAY DISTINCTIONS
Courtesy of my dear Jewish friend, Paulette.
1. Christmas is one day--the same day every year: December 25. Jews also love December 25th. It's another paid day off work. We go to movies and out for Chinese food, and Israeli dancing. December 25 is also National Jewish Ski Day. Chanukah is 8 days. It starts the evening of the 24th of Kislev, whenever that falls. No one is ever sure. Jews never know until a non-Jewish friend asks when Chanukah starts, forcing us to consult a calendar so we don't look like idiots. We all have the same calendar, provided free with a donation from either the World Jewish Congress, the kosher butcher, or the local Sinai Memorial Chapel (especially in Florida) or other Jewish funeral home.
2. Christmas is a major holiday. Chanukah is a minor holiday with the same theme as most Jewish holidays. They tried to kill us, we survived, let's eat.
3. Christians get wonderful presents such as jewelry, perfume, stereos... Jews get practical presents such as underwear, socks, or the collected works of the Rambam, which looks impressive on the bookshelf.
4. There is only one way to spell Christmas. No one can decide how to spell Chanukah: Chanukah, Chanukka, Hanukah, or Hannukah?
5. Christmas is a time of great pressure for husbands and boyfriends. Their partners expect special gifts. Jewish men are relieved of that burden. No one expects a diamond ring on Chanukah.
6. Christmas brings enormous electric bills. Candles are used for Chanukah. Not only are we spared enormous electric bills, but we get to feel good about not contributing to the energy crisis.
[what happened to 7?]
8. Christmas carols are beautiful. Silent Night, Come All Ye Faithful....Chanukah songs are about dreidels made from clay or having a party and dancing the horah. Of course, we are secretly pleased that many of the beautiful carols were composed and written by our tribal brethren. And don't Barbara Streisand and Neil Diamond sing them beautifully?
9. A home preparing for Christmas smells wonderful. The sweet smell of cookies and cakes baking. Happy people are gathered around in festive moods. A home preparing for Chanukah smells of oil, potatoes, and onions. The home, as always, is full of loud people all talking at once.
10. Women have fun baking Christmas cookies. Women burn their eyes and cut their hands grating potatoes and onions for latkas on Chanukah. Another reminder of our suffering through the ages.
11. Parents deliver to their children during Christmas. Jewish parents have no qualms about withholding a gift on any of the eight nights.
12. The players in the Christmas story have easy to pronounce names such as Mary, Joseph, and Jesus. The players in the Chanukah story are Antiochus, Judah Maccabee, and Matta whatever. No one can spell it or pronounce it. On the plus side, we can tell our friends anything and they believe we are wonderfully versed in our history.
13. Many Christians believe in the virgin birth. Jews think, "Joseph, Bubela, snap out of it. Your woman is pregnant, you didn't sleep with her, and now you want to blame G-d. Here's the number of my shrink".
14. In recent years, Christmas has become more and more commercialized. The same holds true for Chanukah, even though it is a minor holiday. It makes sense. How could we market a major holiday such as Yom Kippur? Forget about celebrating. Think observing. Come to synagogue, starve yourself for 27 hours, become one with your dehydrated soul, beat your chest, confess your sins, a guaranteed good time for you and your family. Tickets a mere $200 per person.
Merry Christmas!
Posted by crystallyn at December 16, 2003 10:51 PM
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Comments
She's right, you know.
Posted by: sjc at December 17, 2003 01:10 AM
One of the things people always ask is if Jewish children believe in Santa. I know for when I was little my parents just didn't lie to me about it. I must have been 3 or 4 when I started to ask questions like how can Santa get to all the houses or how come he is at every corner. My parents told me I was right he couldn't and it was really people's parents giving out gifts just like the way I get gifts expect Jewish people are honest about it.
I have always wondered how kids that are over 4 can still believe in Santa. I was no genius and I could still tell something didn't make sense.
Posted by: Paulette at December 17, 2003 07:15 PM
Faith. I was taught to have faith that Santa was real. I held on to my belief even though my friends and teachers told me that I was wrong. The biggest spiritual crisis of my life came when I was only seven years old and my parents let me know that my faith was misplaced.
Santa Claus is a vile corporate shill and teaches children to believe in nothing but the acquistion of more "stuff".
Dana Carby (spelling ?) aka the Church Lady was right: Santa and Satan have more in common than just the same letters in their names.
Posted by: Mike at December 18, 2003 08:05 PM
I faught disbelief tooth & claw. I think I was 6 and my parents were trying to explain that Santa didn't exist because parents bought all the gifts. This because that year we only had a couple from grandparents, mom & dad had gone to Air Force Aid and the Red Cross just to get enough money to pay the rent and feed us- thus no presents.
I really prefer the Santa/Saint Nick/Sinter Klaus idea that's more traditional-European, he's there to spread cheer and that's about it. That's the view I intend to pass to my son as well.
Posted by: Shanna at December 20, 2003 11:51 PM
I'm not sure I ever really believed in Santa. I don't remember deciding or discovering he wasn't real, anyway. I remember hearing a childhood friend say that of course the Tooth Fairy and Easter Bunny weren't real, but by golly Santa was, and I felt slightly embarrassed for her but kept my mouth shut. I was 7.
Hope you had a good Christmas. I'm in Texas and it's been stuffy and warm. Sleeping with the AC on. Can't wait to get back; I miss my dog.
Posted by: Sharyl M. Burson at December 28, 2003 02:26 AM