When Driving I Always Think of Death c2000 Crystal King

It's inevitable. It has nothing to do with being morbid--I'm generally positive and upbeat, but still, it never fails. Every time I get into a car and drive anywhere over ten miles, I think about death. I figure that it is probably because of the irrationality of the whole process. Stop and think about it: why would any sane person get into a massive metal contraption that can move at rapid speeds over roadways that are themselves usually unreliable? Why do we drive cars when the leading cause of death is automobile accidents? Nearly three million people in the United States have died from traffic injuries since Henry Bliss, a 68-year-old real estate broker, died in the nation's first automobile tragedy on September 13, 1899. Currently in the United States, over 41,000 people a year die as a result of auto accidents. Death by heart disease, cancer, AIDS and other fatal diseases aren't nearly as preventable as automobile accidents. All we have to do is stop riding in those damned death machines, never use crosswalks or live close to roads.

In today's world, this idea is absurd. Our society lives by rapid transportation. I know that I practically have a coronary if something happens to my car. The majority of the country has come to rely upon our vehicles, to depend upon them for our every move beyond a matter of blocks and even then, many people will still get in their cars to drive that small distance.

I think it is perfectly natural to think about death and dying while one is driving. Every time you get into a vehicle, you put your life on the line. All sorts of things could happen.

The first factor in these death thoughts is the car itself. Not everyone can afford regular maintenance on their vehicles, and therefore, one may never tell when some vital part of the car might decide to fall off or quit working (I have had my share of broken axles, burnt-out clutches and cracked head gaskets occurring on strange, remote areas of freeway). The worst part about an unreliable vehicle is that sometimes these mechanical failures can lead to accidents. Sometimes, fatal accidents.

Then there's the individual. We are human, and we are known to be imperfect creatures. We've all made judgment errors whether we were driving or not. Unfortunately, errors while driving are much worse than a lot of errors that one could make. It is relatively easy to make the wrong turn late one rainy night and meet with an accident on an embankment or over a cliff. I imagine that if most people are like me, compassion would cloud better judgment and therefore they would be likely to swerve in order to miss that dog or cat that crosses the road at the most inopportune moment. If the person is lucky, they won't go off the side of the road or hit the oncoming car. Human error is usually unpredictable, especially when one is speeding as a result of being late for something or someone. Combine speeding with emotional instability or just plain preoccupation and the paramedics (or the coroner) could have a real mess on their hands.

It gets worse. What about the other lost soul whose vehicle loses control and rams itself into your car right after you just washed it? Drunk driving contributes to the largest share of automobile accidents in the country. You never know when you'll end up behind, next to, or in front of some idiot who has just had a nice gin and tonic breakfast. How can you predict where these sorts of drivers may be? How will your respond when their vehicle is headed toward you at 50 mph?

American society has no understanding of death and how to react to it. We see ourselves as indestructible, tenacious, impenetrable creatures and nothing like a fatal car wreck would ever happen to us. You see, that's something that happens to other people. Over 41,000 other people a year, one every 13 minutes, the majority being male drivers.

I'm nearly thirty now and it's only been this year that I've had someone close to me die...and that was by natural causes. I will be the very first to admit that death is an uncomfortable subject. I know that I could lose someone I love at any time. I know that I too could be that someone. I feel that my driving death thoughts are a healthy sort of self-counseling in preparation for when I do have to face the death of a loved one. At least I am thinking about it. Unlike many people, I know that I am mortal. It helps me treasure the life I have just a little bit more.

it happens when i have my hands on the wheel and i'm traveling between stoplights and freeway exits and between potty stops what would happen if i suddenly turned my wheel this way or that way and i drove off the road and into the ditch and over the cliff and into the other car and into the lake would i lose a leg or cut my face open or would i just die when my neck broke and what would happen people would cry and i can see some weird memorial service in my head the flowers and the casket and all sorts of devastated people what would they say would they cry would they care and then i feel selfish and i try to think of something else the road is long today oh so long and hypnotic oh what would i do if my father died or my mother died or what would my family do if i flipped the car in this place 3,000 miles away and what would i do if joe died my lover my soulmate, the closest one to my heart and i can feel empty horrible pain just thinking about it and what would i do if michael or lauren were to die or greg or nicole or misty...god if misty died what would happen to little cameron and nicholas without their mother oh and romeo my dear sweet romeo what would happen to him where would he go and who would take care of him my poor sweet loverkitty i couldn't bear knowing that something terrible would happen to him and i'll think about work instead and how on earth will i find a job with this fucked up economy and people being laid off left and right and what if it's another 8 months before i find anything and then i can't afford to buy clothes even though my jeans will have holes in them and my bras all falling apart and when will i ever pay off those fucking student loans OH PLEASE WHATEVER POWERS THAT BE-- GOD GODDESS BUDDHA, KRISHNA ZEUS--ANYONE THAT MIGHT HEAR ME PLEASE JUST LET ME MAKE IT BACK SAFELY WITHOUT SOMEONE RUNNING INTO ME WITHOUT SOME INSANE BOSTON IDIOT CHANGING INTO MY LANE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE KEEP ME SAFE i can't wait to trade this car in for a new one maybe next year oh FUCK i would have to pass by a nasty car wreck today twisted metal of semi and Ford Bronco this will stop traffic behind me for hours people are such sick voyeurs wanting to see blood and guts and terror and shredded bumpers and torn limbs and they always cringe and feel like they are going to throw up so why do they watch in the first place and why do i look when i go by and why do i feel like death is screaming at me so instead I'll think about my oil painting class and what it will be like to paint as though i were van gogh or matisse and will i master those colors and shades and shapes and tones and i had such a giggle when i stepped back from my first painting and saw that the paper bag had an opening like a vagina and the instructor told me that you can't hide your soul behind a painting that they will betray you and that's a lot like poetry and maybe i should stick to poetry oh i need to critique that piece that greg sent me the other day and send it to him it has taken me too long i need to be writing more poetry i always feel better when i am writing and i need to work more on my novel always that damn novel that makes me wonder why can't i have resolve and determination to keep writing because my father would be so proud if i could manage to publish that first novel and i find that i am really homesick to see my family...oh what if something happened before i could go home for christmas what if something really horrible happened like joe wrecking my car that he just learned to drive or michael not coming back from england or chase not getting a 20th speeding ticket but instead marrying himself with a guardrail and i would feel such a terrible space so deep inside me and there would be such sadness i must not think about that but instead about what it will be like to go home again and see my little sweet nephews and my family in Boise good old Boise i'm so glad i left there but it was fine when i was young i remember when i grew up there i used to date a guy that was studying to be a paramedic and he used to tell me about sickening wrecks like the old couple trying to have sex on the freeway between Nampa and Boise and the naked woman got stuck on the gear shift when the old man got excited and bumped the car in front of him and you know that you can't remove car pieces from a victim unless you are at the hospital or unless it is imperative to life and i finally had to lay down the law that when we dated we weren't talking about blood and guts he was very fond of telling me about all sorts of car accidents especially the little death box cars like geos and little toyotas and subarus but i never forget while I'm driving OH PLEASE LET ME MAKE IT HOME OH GOD IF SOMETHING HAPPENED TO ME NO ONE WOULD KNOW PLEASE IT'S NOT FAR NOW in drivers ed i learned that most accidents happen within five miles of home PLEASE LET ME MAKE IT HOME PLEASE I'M SO CLOSE