November 22, 2005
there is a light that never goes out
On Sunday night, my grandmother passed away. Although it wasn't completely unexpected--at the same time, it was. Ironically, I had returned from Boise on the same day.
Although I haven't seen her often in the last few years, she was a strong force in my life as I was growing up. We used to spend every summer in Burley, ID at my grandparent's house, which I remember perfectly, like I was just there yesterday. Her friends called her Perk because she was like a percolator, always on the go, always bubbling, never stopping. It was even on her license plate.
When we would go places, everyone knew my grandmother. We couldn't get through a store in town without at least 2-3 people stopping to chat with her. She ran the cafeteria at the now defunct Heyburn, ID Simplot plant. I remember we would go pick her up from work and we would sit in the car when my mom would go in to get her. The stench from the plant was overwhelming. But she always brought home bags of french fries and chicken patties--a little kid's dream to be able to have McDonald's french fries at home.
She was always smiling. Even when I last saw her and she only sort of knew who I was, she was smiling and seemed happy.
Her light won't ever go out--it shines on, deep inside me, an indelible part of who I am and who I have become.
Posted by crystallyn at 07:04 AM | Comments (11) | TrackBack
May 25, 2005
50 Little Things To Build Up Karma
1. Let a waiting driver into your lane.
2. Give other people books that have inspired you.
3. Decide to smile at everyone that you pass today.
4. Find at least one thing to laugh about every day.
5. Appreciate art.
6. Write down your loftiest goals and dreams. Then write down one baby step that will bring you closer to them.
7. Make breakfast for someone you love.
8. Eat colorful, healthy foods.
9. Send postcards to friends and family that are far away--for no reason.
10. Keep flowers at your home and/or on your desk.
11. Back all your actions with good intentions.
12. Personally thank the cook for your well-cooked meal.
13. Listen to your intuition.
14. Recycle.
15. Help someone before they ask.
16. Spend one day thinking positive thoughts about everyone and everything, including yourself. Try again the next day.
17. Be loyal.
18. Donate to charity--anonymously--in any amount.
19. Get rid of junk and clutter.
20. Cheer on a coworker or a friend.
21. Clean up your messes as you make them.
22. Take a friend or a loved one to a free concert, poetry reading or play.
23. Throw an extra quarter in the parking meter before you leave--or if you see a car with a meter that has run out.
24. Sing in the car, as loud as you can.
25. Take your neighbor's empty garbage cans/bins off the street for them.
26. Look at problems as an opportunity to be creative.
27. Respect others' traditions and beliefs, even if they don't align with your own.
28. Stop questioning your own happiness.
29. Leave little notes in unusual places for people you love.
30. Pay attention on conference calls or in meetings--listen as attentively as you would want and expect people to listen to you.
31. Write anonymous poetry and leave it in a public place.
32. Spend more time in nature.
33. Take a favorite friend to lunch, for no reason.
34. Thank your partner/spouse for the things they do, even the little tiny things.
35. Cut toxic, vampiric people out of your life.
36. Enjoy dessert once in awhile--without guilt.
37. Play--make snow angels, get out the color crayons, bounce a ball, play catch, ride a playground swing...
38. Bring back silly toys and mementos from far away places for your coworkers.
39. Start a collection--postcards, martini shakers, matchbooks, stamps, animal items (my mother-in-law has 120 mice in her house!), beach glass, vintage linens...I once knew a guy who collected sand from beaches around the world.
40. Learn a new word everyday.
41. Wear something colorful and unexpected.
42. Get enough sleep.
43. Give up your seat on the train or bus.
44. Fill out the dining experience cards and compliment your server.
45. Support local businesses over monster retailers.
46. Be an organ donor.
47. Don't eat meals in front of the television or computer--and don't answer the phone.
48. Do what you say.
49. Don't litter--and that includes cigarette butts ANYWHERE including out of a car (why on earth do people think that's okay?)
50. Strive to learn something new everyday.
Posted by crystallyn at 07:13 AM | Comments (1)
March 27, 2005
give me dignity
If there is anything that the Teri Schiavo case has shown us...it's that we need to be very clear in our wishes as to how we would want medical treatment to be given or not given to us in the case of being mentally or physically unable to do so ourselves.
Get your living will in order. They're very popular these days as a result of the endless media circus!
As for me, let me state clearly, if I became vegetative, massively disfigured or unable to function on my own over the long haul--put me out of my misery. Please. There is no way on earth I would ever want to be sustained unnaturally and indefinitely. I figure that if I could only live hooked up to some crazy machine then God probably wouldn't want me living anyway--it's man playing God then, not the natural forces of the world that brought me into them.
I look at it this way--if it were me in a vegetative state for 15 years--my soul would be going bonkers trying to get out and to move on to bigger and better things (heaven, reincarnation, whatever may be in store!). It would be the most awful thing ever to be trapped, watching my family go through terrible sadness and pain; wondering when I would ever just get back up and move forward; wondering why natural forces hadn't just taken the course they were supposed to.
The thing that saddens me most about the whole Schiavo case is that the poor woman is now, in the last days of her life, the center of the world's attention...in a way that I'm sure she would never ever have wanted. It's sick and disgusting and we should all be ashamed of ourselves. We're all waiting with baited breath to find out if she finally passed on. I'm sure I'm not the only one who checks the news first thing in the AM with the primary goal of finding out--did she make it one more day? Or finally, did the end of this horrible media nightmare arrive? I just want her to be at peace.
And reading about people who want to kill to help her--I just don't understand. I don't understand how the religious right seems to decide to throw the teachings of Christ right out the window when it suits them. I mean really, an eye for an eye was SO Old Testament. Christ taught us to turn the other cheek, to forgive, to love our neighbors, and to live by example. He was a pacifist--the most pure and true of them all. So much so that he, with all the power within him, didn't lift a finger against his oppressors, dying on the cross at the hands of people who in the end, he FORGAVE. Isn't that the whole point of Easter? Sometimes it seems so strange to me, how I, bordering on agnostic that I am, know so much more about the Bible than the people who profess to it being their favorite book.
It really really saddens me. The older I get, the more crazy the world seems to be.
Posted by crystallyn at 09:58 AM | Comments (3)
December 03, 2004
Nietzsche
You need chaos in your soul to give birth to a dancing star.
Posted by crystallyn at 01:01 PM | Comments (1) | TrackBack
June 10, 2004
no pinocchio for me
Unlike others, I have a tough time when I lie. I agonize over it, and worry. This is ironic because I grew up learning how to be a very effective liar.
When I was young, my mother was the very very overprotective hen. She watched over us kids like a hawk, questioning our every move, who we were with, where we were going, etc. I can appreciate this more now, but unfortunately, it fostered a very very bad habit--lying.
I was a wilful child. Others have even told me, in my adulthood, that they imagined me being so. I wanted my way and I had to have it. If I was told no, I would usually find some way to get it anyway. My sister was like this as well, but worse. The fundamental difference, however, is that I was adept at lying and she wasn't. By the time high school rolled around, Misty was always in trouble, with teachers, with boys, with grades, you name it. She became such a handful and I seemed more responsible. Key word--seemed.
But really, I was responsible...although my parents wouldn't have believed me. I didn't drink till I was in college. I never did drugs. I didn't smoke. I was a virgin till I was 18. I had straight A's (except algebra) but I looked like a freak. A waver/punk rock/Cure/Depeche Mode/wannabe sort of 80s batcave chick. This appearance is probably the ONLY reason I didn't get away with more in high school. They were just a little worried about me. But my career as a liar went into full swing.
I was never where I said I would be. If I was spending the night at Camille's I was probably at a party, or babysitting my friends dropping acid. If I was supposed to be staying with Traci, I was probably out clubbing till all hours of the night because she didn't have curfew. I never got caught. I always called at key times to reassure my mother. That was the ticket. Hearing my voice at midnight was enough. My sister? She missed those key calls...never occurred to her to VOLUNTARILY call. I called my mom all the time...she never had to ask me. And thus, she never had to worry.
And I became good at lying. As I moved on in life, in relationships, at work, where needed, I became even more adept...to get what I wanted, or thought that I wanted. I was not an honorable person.
The thing is, the other thing my mother instilled in me was guilt. Extreme guilt. Well, not as extreme as hers (it always baffles me when someone who fervently worships Jesus doesn't ever feel forgiven for their sins). We should have been Catholic. I always felt guilty when I lied. Terribly guilty.
Guilty enough that I pretty much washed my hands of it all four years ago. I flipped over that slate, deciding that I needed to live my life with honor. To be straight with the people in my life, regardless of the outcome. (Okay, we're not talking about common sense white lies...lying when you know it means nothing is one thing, like telling a child it was the best story you have ever read but of course it wasn't). I decided that if I needed to lie, there was something wrong with the situation and I should face up to it.
Recently I was faced with another dilemma...a situation that technically meant I needed to lie to preserve a particular appearance, because I wasn't ready for the situation to change just yet...it was a catch-22. If I lied, it was good for my future. If I didn't lie, it would be bad for my present, which in turn could mess up the future.
I agonized over this...trying to figure out the best, most believable lie. It was pretty pathetic. I had conversations with girlfriends and with Joe about the best lie I could tell. All the while I was agonizing over it, probably WAY more so than the situation even demanded. Probably no one would have cared if I had lied anyway. But still...I wanted to be true and I was trying to figure out how to reconcile that.
And miraculously, the answer came that helped me get out of that predicament. I was able to just be honest, because my situation had changed positively and I could tell the truth without negative consequence. I have to believe that my agonizing over it...that feeling it was a real moral dilemma, moved the universe to really help me out. I believe that to be so, that because I wanted to honor this base belief...to be honest and true to the best of my ability, is along the path I should be leading, and so the doors opened up.
Karma.
Posted by crystallyn at 07:38 PM | Comments (2) | TrackBack
March 22, 2004
food for happy thoughts
Wonderful snippets from A Thousand Paths to Happiness by David Baird
~ ~ ~ ~
Happiness does not depend upon getting another's approval--it depends upon getting your own approval.
In Peter Pan, flight was within the grasp of those with happy thoughts!
Happy people don't whine about their condition, or lie awake at night worrying about their duty or their sins.
Sometimes problems have to be faced from different angles to find their solutions.
No matter who or what has wronged you, it is meaningless if you choose not to remember it.
Change and the world will change with you.
Try not to analyze everything. Analysis kills happiness.
Give yourself credit for knowing more than you think you do.
In this life, nothing great is ever achieved without enthusiasm.
Let every action that comes toward you have a positive and creative reaction from you.
Suspicion and assumption are the hands that will pull the rug out from beneath you.
Work to curb any impulsive behavior before it has the chance to go out of control.
Don't panic about anything--keep calm.
Happiness will always find a way. No gates are locked to it.
When real situations at work or home make you want to explode with anger or sink into unhappiness, say to yourself, "I'm glad that this is only a game."