« the perfect gift for mom | Main | quote of the year »
May 17, 2006
ramble ramble
I was looking back at old blog entries and I've realized how much my blog has changed over the years. I used to care little about who read it...I mean, six years ago there were so few blogs that it didn't really matter. Search wasn't what it is now and although I had had my site since 1995, it really hadn't been indexed by search engines because there wasn't much of anything on it. I was young, in turmoil--in the process of trying to figure out how to end an unhappy marriage. My blog was a place where people could know me, or know what I chose to show them. I was flip, I cursed a lot, I spouted off all sorts of things that in looking back, I wouldn't say now. Not that I said anything that I regret, but that I'm just different. My purpose is different. The way I choose to present myself to the world is different.
TONS of people that I personally know read my blog but I don't even realize it. I find out later--at parties or running into friends on the street. "Oh, I read that on your blog..." People that I meet for the first time but are friends of my friends will say, hey, I read your blog and feel like I already know you. It's such a strange bizarre thing to me. I think my mom reads my blog although she won't really say. Colleagues probably read it. And now a new audience may find me--my students. Suddenly the exposure is completely different. It's not the same audience that I was writing for in 2000. And I've changed a LOT since then.
In looking back, I find that my writing was freer. I didn't feel restrained. I blogged about the most random things (thankfully--I just discovered my rumball recipe that I thought I lost but apparently blogged about). I rarely posted pictures--mostly just blathered. And the weird thing is, I think I was rather interesting. I don't feel that way anymore. Not really. It feels like so much WORK to be interesting. To say the witty things I once said. To write and espouse my feelings. My blog feels BORING these days. To me and probably to everyone else. The readership has dropped off significantly, most notably over the last year. I used to have 300 readers that would swing on by...now it's about 30. Probably all people I know. Or people searching for stupid Timecube...which I wrote about a long while back when I attended a lecture by the nutty guy. Number one reason people come to this blog is because of the Timecube phenomenon. Or searching for gnomes when I blogged about the Travelocity gnome ad campaign.
And now? People see boring random pictures of things that have only a little personal connection. I don't write so much. Some of it changed because I realized that I don't feel as free to write about whatever I want. I mean, anyone can search and find this blog. I lecture to my students to be thoughtful about what they put on their websites because ANYONE can uncover it. Parents, employers, colleagues, stalkers. I did a search for Crystallyn, for example, and came up with a 22 yr old perpetually drunk college student with the same name, just a few towns away. I felt such an overwhelming sadness and pity for her, blogging all this angst and anxiety and insecurity that is hidden by the college cool factor of alcohol. The Crystals on myspace are equally sad and scary (maybe my friend Mike was right and Crystal is a mostly trashy name--all the other Crystal's I have met are pretty darn trashy). All the young women look like they are ready to fall into bed with someone. God, maybe it is true that you can't trust anyone over 30. And the thing is, I'm no prude...far from it, but there is a subtlety that is lacking in the social connections of what you can find on the Net.
I can tell you this much...when I hire in the future you can bet I'm going to be checking out websites--I want to know what I'm getting myself into.
So I think that a part of me feels massively censored. I miss the freedom of me, the unfettered cursing, the writing of whatever is top of mind. But since I've began teaching, I feel a sense of responsibility that is, at the same time, hindering. Combine that with the growing Big Brother feeling--I'm sure I'm on a watchlist for blogging my political views, for IM'ing them, and since I have Verizon, it's a sure thing my telephone number is secure somewhere at the CIA. Employers are increasingly aware of the web presence of their employees. And I'm more well-known in the mobile industry where I write often on mobile technology. Plus at some point I need to get off my ass and sell a non-fiction book and will be needing to find and impress editors. People know other sides of me--the "responsible, knowledgeable, expert, mature," blah blah blah. And I AM those things, but I am a lot of other things...and as a highly expressive, gregarious person, it's hard to compartmentalize it. I've tried to do that with crystalking.com, which I'm proud of and want to write more for. But I find that it doesn't change how I feel about this site, the feeling that my parents, my students, my colleagues could read what I write and shape perceptions of me. It's not like I'm ashamed of who I am or the things I think and say, but for people who know me in particular contexts, my political view shouldn't matter. If I wanted to talk about things of a sexual nature, I feel extra super restricted in a way that I never would have in my past (sorry mom, it's just too weird. Not to mention, I don't want my students even remotely thinking of me in that way). I will rarely talk about parties where things became excessive. Or about weirdness in friendships or relationships. You'll notice that I won't ever blog about my current job...maybe a past job, but not my current one, unless it's something positive to say. NOT worth having any repercussions for that. When I started blogging, everything was fair game.
And that brings me to the conundrum that many bloggers find themselves eventually faced with. What is the blog for? And what is appropriate to blog? I think the answer is different for many people. My blog has changed over the years. I have changed. And I do love my blog...but I think I am in a transition... a place where I need to discover how to feel that freedom and unfetteredness when I write here, but at the same time maintain the respectable distance that is needed for particular audiences. At the very least though, I would hate to be perceived as boring...
Posted by crystallyn at May 17, 2006 11:01 PM
Trackback Pings
TrackBack URL for this entry:
http://www.crystallyn.com/cgi-bin/mt/mt-tb.cgi/437
Comments
I could have written much of what you did here: it's part of the reason why I nuked the old entries when I switched to a new host and new CMS system. I feel censored, hemmed about, unable to speak freely.
Ah, for the early days of blogdom!
Posted by: Ancarett at May 18, 2006 02:05 PM
I read you. And Ancarett. Still.
I will never think of you as a prude or in any way censored.
I read, and I look at your pictures and I think. I don't usually have any kind of written response to them, because I don't want to be one of those people who acts like she knows you, but has only met you once, because I read your blog. The other things I would express over and over are agreement or pleasure or envy, and I'm pretty certain that would get old quick. I just don't have the thought process to come up with something pithy, or questions to ask (because you answer anything I would have asked).
Posted by: Shanna at May 20, 2006 08:13 PM
I know how you feel. I have also felt sensored. I am careful about talking about my job past and present. Who knows who is reading.
I am very careful what I say about my daily life.
Posted by: Paulette at May 21, 2006 08:54 PM